Weeping Willow

Ok guys, this is gonna be a long one. Sorry. But I'm using it to get things down that I am thinking about, and trying to understand...
So, yesterday was an interesting day..... it was the first Sunday in forever that I actually relaxed and enjoyed myself. And that in itself is odd because of what I did. First of all, let me just say that I didn't blow off any responsibility at my church. They chose to "not use us" this week, so I chose to not go. Uh-Oh...bad attitude showing. I'm just frustrated with the whole thing...
Anyway, that is really beside the point. Yesterday. I got up and went to church with my friend, D. I have been a little resistant to it, because she goes to Willow Creek. And I often let my biases dictate how I feel about Willow. This time I was determined not to let my preconceptions get in my way. So I went with her, and it was the most amazing and relaxing day that I have had in a long time. I know. I thought it was weird too....
Maybe it was because, for one Sunday, I could be anonymous...I don't really know.
I also have to admit it wasn't without emotion. In fact, it was very emotional for me due to some things that have been going on in my life recently.
The service started very low key - the band was playing music - no singing, just music. And then the service started. No singing. That in itself is odd to me, I guess I am more bound by tradition than I know! But it was good. The pastor came out and started right off with a little monologue kinda thing about touch. The series they are doing right now is 24 - a day in the life of Jesus. It is obviously a take off on "24." Kitschy, but it worked pretty well, and remember this is a seeker service. But the topic they zeroed in on was that of touch, and the healing of the leper in Luke 5: 12 - 15. Touch. Such a foreign concept to many people. We are made to connect, to touch, and yet we so often don't, for whatever reason. There were interviews with three very lonely people who longed for compassion and someone to just give them a hug - the son of an elderly father who lost all his friends because of his illness and was very lonely. A student in a new environment who longed for friends, and a woman with breast cancer talking about how people treat her, and the way it makes her feel. I was already beginning to tear up by this point. Hard stuff. Then they did this song about a young girl with cancer, and it was beautiful and so sad, yet so compassionate. Now if you know me, you know I am a very" in control" of my life person, and rarely let anyone see what I am feeling deep inside. But yesterday I had tears running down my face and I just couldn't stop them. D felt so bad. She just kept saying, "I am so sorry, I didn't know." Of course she didn't. And it was ok.
We moved on - thank goodness - to a very thought provoking skit about AIDS and how people react to it. Misconceptions, biases, stereotypes, and now we so often have great compassion for the children in Africa, and yet we judge and shy away from those with aids in our own country. And then this went from there into the sermon, which challenged us concerning who we CHOOSE to take compassion on. Who we choose to love. Who we choose to help, befriend, and live life with. It was quite convicting. And so very true. During the course of this message, Mike Breaux drew in the story of Dr. Paul Brand and the lepers in India - something I have been thinking a lot about lately (remember me talking about this Anne?) Also thoughts from Sue Monk Kidd, John Ortberg, and Philip Yancey. He also talked about how Christ chose the unwanted for his disciples to sit under his teaching. The very ones rejected by other rabbi's as not worthy were the ones he believed in and took into his school or way of thinking. (Hmmm Darla, sound familiar?)
It was just one thing after another yesterday - stuff I have been dealing with, or mulling over for sometime. And I could just sink into my seat and take it all in. Be spoken to, ministered to. I could actually concentrate, listen, and not worry about people knowing me, watching me. I could worship my way. No one cared yesterday who I was - or about my background. It was just God and me - I was so focused. Every week at "home" I'm so on guard. So fearful of being "found out" so to speak. So afraid of criticism, rejection and judgment. Yesterday I could just be me.
And it was also relaxing because I wasn't trying to reconcile sermons and actions on the pastor's part. I wasn't looking for glimmers of hope in the message hoping the pastor is starting to get it. I wasn't ducking dogmatisms, or intimidation. I wasn't being manipulated or coerced. I wasn't being made to feel questions and thinking for myself are bad. And I may not in the long run like a setting like this. All I know is that yesterday I felt relief; I felt relaxed. I felt calm, and joyful. I felt weight lifted off my shoulders; it was like I was able to finally take off a suffocating mask and breathe freely again. And that was incredibly uplifting and liberating. I was always determined not to like Willow. But I did. At least yesterday. I was leery of "big" but I was spoken to, challenged and yet comforted.
On the flip side, I hate small too. Yet Mike's church in Yorkville is appealing in it's simplicity and it's mission. It's sense of community. Willow has the resources to help the hurting, the poor, to help developing countries etc. in an awesome way. Yet Yorkville is a community. Small. Intimately involved, invested in one another, living the messiness of life. I can see myself desiring both. But I can't really do both. I'm confused. I'm not sure which way to go here. Whether to stay where I am, or make a change, and if I do which way to I turn? I need wisdom. I also need to let the guilt go. I need to trust God implicitly to show me the way, and then I need to do what he says. I need to let Him move me and not worry about what other people think. But I'm afraid to burn bridges. And I feel obligation to all those I have had a hand in keeping at my church - now I'm gonna turn tail and run? Maybe it's like living at home all your life, you know nothing else. You need to stretch your wings! I need to find out what else is out there. That doesn't mean I won't return to my church. At all. It just means I need to know that's where I really should be. Am I being pushed to go? I feel I am, yet it in some ways seems very suspect to me. Why would God do this? Maybe because I wouldn't choose to do it on my own, and he wants me to move? It's like I need somebody to give me permission to go.....