My thoughts today.
And some thoughts they are. Spinning around and around - making me dizzy and frustrated. It's just that I have been dealing with yet another problem in my life. Yeah - I'm getting tired of 'em too. I swear it must just be a phase I'm going through. I dunno. It is what it is. And I'm not really gonna elaborate on the problem, because it's way too personal for this public forum. TMI and all that. But it's making me rebellious and hard. I don't like that side of me, but I feel it happening. Lately, despite my best efforts (and yeah that would be a red flag huh?) I just can't seem to hear God - I feel a gulf there that I am uncomfortable with, and wedge that makes my heart sad. But as this week progressed and all the little aggravations of the week snowballed and melded with all the other concerns in my life I started getting pulled under. And it made me mad. I don't wanna give thanks, be joyful, or hear the song "Blessed be your name" one more time. Yesterday after work I was sitting on my bed in a funk, trying to work it all out. And I heard a voice saying - "you know, the things you are thinking in your heart are the reality of who you are." Whoa - outta the blue that came. Well, not really but it seemed so. So I ignored it and went on thinking my angry thoughts, I kept on whining and complaining. No, more than that, I'm pretty much in a shouting match with God about the unfairness of life. (like he has to be fair - remember the story of the vineyard workers and the denarius in Matthew 20?) And the voice comes again with a more pointed message totally relevant to what I'm dealing with. By now I'm humming with my fingers in my ears. How ironic is this. For weeks I've been sad that I am not hearing God, that I can't connect, and now here he is and I'm blatantly ignoring him? I'm running like Jonah - as fast as I can. Not wanting to see the big picture, rather wanting to bend things to go the way I want them to go. Not wanting to see grace for others, but wanting huge doses for myself. Or maybe, I'm like Jacob, wrestling all through the night with God. Not only wrestling, but yelling, and fighting and complaining, yet still wanting to be blessed. The question becomes how wounded will I be when all is said and done, after all Jacob was left with physical consequences. And yet again I felt a voice beating in my heart "You are my child, I will not hurt you." Why am I fighting so? This is so silly. I am so stubborn!
I know better. Last night at choir ( pretty painful this was) we were working on all the thankful, grateful songs. How faithful God is - no matter what and no matter what the situation is. He alone is what will fill our needs - no matter what shape they come in. Good times and bad, he is there for me. Aaargh. I feel like God has taken me by the shoulders and is literally shaking me. Till my teeth rattle. Cuz right now, though I get it, and I know he is and will be faithful and meet every need, desire and hurt I have, I really want no part of it. I want what I want. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to rant and yell about the unfairness of it all. Sure I'd love to run to him and let it all be better - let him fix it - but I just can't do it. Not this time. Not today.