Wednesday, November 09, 2005

I think I can, I think I can.....

Did you ever work for days on a jigsaw puzzle only to find when you got to the end that a piece was missing? How frustrating is that? There's a hole in the picture, a place that only a piece that is a specific size and shape and color will fill. I've been thinking about that lately. How each of us is made by God to fit into his story. His big picture. Sometimes we think we have to be like everybody else. On maybe just like someone else. When we are asked to do something we demur, saying I can't. I am not able. I am not a good speaker like_________ or I'm not creative at all like_____ Or, maybe I could do it if I was more like___________. Hmmm, somehow I don't think that's what God had in mind when he made me. He made me, well, me. Unique. With my own strengths and weaknesses. My own abilities, or lack of them. He gave me the exact characteristics he wanted me to have. The right shape and size and color to fit an exact hole in the big picture. Wow! That's pretty cool, and conversely, pretty scary. I need to quit saying I can't and start saying I can. I need to quit whining about what I am not, and figure out who I am and how God wants to use me in his plan. I gotta quit looking at things with myopia and start seeing the big picture. I'm sure it's astonishingly beautiful. Wilder than I ever could imagine it to be. And to be complete, this picture needs me to be there. To show up. To be willing to be molded into that shape God needs to fit the spot he has decided I will fill. I'm sure it's not gonna be comfortable to be pounded into shape by God, but it will probably be more comfortable than if I force my self into a spot intended for another. Realizing that God truly has a place for me, and is molding me to fit it helps alleviate a bit of the fear. If he intends me to do a specific thing he will enable me to do it! Like he did with Moses - who by the way thought he was totally incapable of doing what God asked him to do. I wonder how frustrated God gets with us when we question what he wants us to do, as well as our ability to do it? When Moses got with the plan it worked beautifully. And Aaron, who Moses thought was better qualified to carry out the plan ended up missing the point entirely and built a golden calf to satisfy the peoples perception of what they needed. He let them force him into a shape he was not called to fill. Which just proves the point that we can't let others dictate to us who we should be, and how we should be living our lives. There's a lot of wrong thinking out there. Everywhere out there. Including in our churches. So what I need to do is to be still. And listen. I need to hear and do. My job. Not yours, or what you perceive mine might be. I need to seek out God's will, his big picture and let him use me to fit the spot I was meant to fill. Yeah, I'm sure he can finish the puzzle with out me - it just won't be the perfect picture he envisioned.
On a more practical level, how does this get played out right now, today? I've been trying to come up with a concrete example. Possibly this:(and the implications are scary)the fact that I need to be brave, and vulnerable, and just ME. No matter what the consequences. God has been specifically working on me regarding empathy, compassion and love. No matter what. Being a peace maker, seeing the good in people and situations even if it is not the popular opinion. And to speak up in love and in defense of those being spoken badly of. To let my compassion show no matter how angry others get with me. Because that is honest. You don't need me to be you - just being a rubber stamp friend, to be liked or accepted or approved of. To agree with you so you'll be my friend. I need to stand for what I see as right and compassionate. That is one example. I can not make myself be what others want me to be, or see me as being. I need to be authentic as much as I know how even if it makes me painfully vulnerable and alone. I don't want you to like me for who you think I am, I want to be liked and accepted for just being me. And this is so hard for me, who all my life has been a great chameleon! You don't need a clone of you, you need a unique me to be a friend, have an opinion, give honest thoughts and impressions. That's the best I can do.....
And I'm terrified of speaking up in a group. Especially if it goes against the popular opinion. I'm learning to be brave here also. To test my wings. If God wants me to speak, who am I to question Him? It is hard, very hard. If you knew me you would so get that. But no matter what the challenge that God has in mind for me, I need to remember if he asks, he will enable. Wow! How cool is that?

3 comments:

Christine said...

gee. This is a good post! I'm glad you're mentally working it all out~

Twyla said...

Omigod - Karen - I think we are twins separated at birth! Really, now. I'm from the Lincoln Land, too. Born in Champaign (July 28,'56), lived in Schaumburg, Streamwood and Elgin.

Plus, I love the movies on your profile, and the books (really loved Blue Like Jazz)and the rest of who you are, too.

Plus, plus, our journeys are so similar! Nice to find you at the Keltic Kafe!!

Amanda said...

I can't tell you what your post has done for me. The way you've articulated all of lifes ups and downs and the profoundness of your blog has really inspired me. This is truly incredible, don't underestimate the power of your writing.