Wow. I had an epiphany the other night. I am living my life in way that is really not healthy. I am living from stress to stress. Always saying, if I can just get past this one thing then I can relax. Once this stress is over I will feel better, be happy, whatever. And all I am doing is hopping to a new stress – because in life there is always one more thing to stress over. Especially if you are a mom and have a family. Because goodness knows, I not only stress over my own life and happenings, I do the same for each child. Instead of realizing at their age they are capable of making decisions and dealing with consequences. That they are capable of taking life as it comes, finding solutions, making things work. We don’t both need to worry about it. And really, that’s how they learn. And they are quite good at it too. I just need to learn to let go. It’s their grade, their mistake, their lateness, their friendship….NOT mine. But it’s really, really hard to shake mom mode. (And they can certainly do their own laundry, make their own dinner, I just feel guilty if I don’t do it….)
But by living this way I am always in crisis mode. With adrenaline pouring through me all the time. And to be honest, I think that adrenaline rush is addicting. Without it you crash and feel depressed and empty. As much as I say I wanna just sit, as much as I dread stuff and just want things to be over, the adrenaline and feeling important, needed, busy makes me feel so much more alive.
So now, I need to find a way to get back to simple. Sunrises. Walks with the dog. Reading a good book. Taking time to do things for me, realizing that it isn’t always selfish to do that. I need down time too. Time to rejuvenate, to refill, so I have something to give others. I can’t use it as an excuse to not do things, but I have to make choices. Prioritize. I need to know when to say yes and when to say I just can’t. I can either give you my worn out, stressed, angry self, or I can give you a little less quantity and more of a joyful, willing, happy, loving person.
There is never an end to stressful things. There’s always one more. And if you are always reaching into the future wanting each thing to be over, well when all is said and done you have wished your life away.
So, don’t be surprised if you hear a few more nos from me. Or see me doing things that you may perceive to be selfish and unmom like. I want to be the best I can be for all of you. I want to be healthy and able to enjoy friends, life and serving God.