“The waves of the sea help me get back to me..........”

I need a beach - where I can hear the rhythm of the waves.
Like breathing.
Dependable despite the rest of the world.
I need to be soothed with the heartbeat of the sea.
Sameness.
Again and again.
Like a lullaby to calm my wounded soul.
My hurt.
My fears.

I need to feel the sun burning clear to the marrow of my bones.
Warming the relentless cold.
Stirring the life that has gelled and stopped in response to the coldness of rejection.
I welcome the thaw.
The sun's hot sting, letting me know that I am still alive.

I need to be where I can feel the caress of the breeze.
The hug of air and salt and humidity.
A comforting blanket that enfolds my discarded heart.

I need to feel the shifting sand.
To observe change.
Subtle. Minute.
Unless the wind is blowing hard.
And the waves are angry.
Things are never the same from day to day on the beach -
yet the landscape has a comforting familiarity.
I need to learn that daily shifts and changes in my life don't really alter the basic landscape of who I am.

I need to sit.
And do nothing.
Answer to no one.
Stay as long as I want.
Do it for me, and not worry how it might look to others.
I need to think.
Pray.
Sleep.
Let my tears mingle with the salty air,
let them run until I'm dry.
Until I'm empty and ready to be filled.
With God.
With His mercy and love.

Til I'm ready to let Him be all I need.
Til I realize He is the friend who will never leave me,
reject me,
or take without giving.

Who cares about me more than I have ever cared about Him.
Who, no matter what I do, will never toss me aside.
Who loves me as I am.
Who hasn't made me a project.
Who won't grow bored with me.
To whom intimacy is not a scary thing.
Who shares the depths of His love even as I share the depth of my needs.
Who, while rejoicing in my growth and change won't walk away because it's taking too long.

I need to dig a hole in the sand and watch as it fills relentlessly with water,
changing from a hole to a vessel.
Eventually becoming mingled and mixed and one with the very thing that fills it.

I need a beach.