Thursday, December 14, 2006

Synapses aren't firing today.....

Something is bugging me. Chewing at the very edge of my consciousness. I can't get a hold of it; it eludes me over and over again. Whatever it is, it is consuming what little brainpower I have this morning. Interrupting the ability to process, and think about anything logically and with any sense of purpose. I can't settle on any one thought for more than two seconds. I can't read - at least not the things I want to read, because that takes the capacity to understand new concepts and ideas, and decide if I agree or disagree. I can't pray, because I can't settle my mind in any one spot. I can't converse intelligently with anyone - I can't pay attention, I can't listen, and I can't remember what they are telling me five minutes later. Apparently, I can't do much more than sit and stare blankly at the wall, chin propped in my hand, trying desperately not to fall asleep. I keep trying. I open a blog here, and a blog there, but can only read a line or two before I lose interest. I try to read an article about something I am very interested in, but I can't get beyond a paragraph before I realize I am not comprehending anything. Just now I realized I am even staring blindly at the computer screen and haven't written a word in about ten minutes. I keep listening for what ever it is to make itself known. Silence. And the very act of listening, even internally, is hindered by the fact that my ear hurts. That has nothing to do with a quiet, listening heart, but somehow it affects it. I wish I could go somewhere and just try to deal with this, but I am locked into a work environment. Responsibilities. Obligations. A co-worker who stands in front of me in tears over a Christmas that hurts. I can't just get up and go. My eyes are heavy; my heart is too. I just want to close my eyes and escape into sleep. Leave this problem for later. Run from, instead of pursuing this, this, whatever it is that I am suppose to hear....
My head hurts, my ear hurts, but most of all, my heart hurts.

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