Thursday, March 23, 2006

Well the heart that hurts Is a heart that beats......

Easter. It's my favorite holiday. In fact, last Easter I blogged about it. This is what I wrote:
Easter Sunday:
In sitting and meditating today, it struck me how very much I like Easter. I think it's my favorite "holiday". So full of joy and above all hope! Easter lilies, greening grass, budding trees, sunrise services, joyous, vibrant music, sun streaming through stained glass windows. Spring, renewal, asparagus :) New beginnings. Grateful heart. Faith. Peace. I am filled with such a sense of joy and wonder and hope. He is Risen! He is Risen indeed! And so too shall I live. How can I not celebrate and feel so wondrously happy, joyful, alive and thankful from the deepest part of my soul?

This year, just like with this past Christmas, so many discouraging things are happening. Without going into it all, the majority of them seem to have connections to church/Easter/choir etc. This year Easter, my favorite holiday is becoming a negative experience. I know it doesn't help that I feel tied to my church until Easter, and that Easter Sunday and Choir are the reason.
What does that have to do with anything? I don't know. It just has been a particularly hard year. I look at the joy of last Easter and wish I could capture just a fraction of it again. How did I get from last years joy to this years sadness?
Every where I turn things are painful, and falling apart, and just not good. Today just went from bad to worse. All day. One thing after another. Now, before I got ready to head out the door to choir practice (with dread....) I checked my email. Why, Oh why do I have to check it so often? I could have done very well without the email I received.
But no, there in black and white was the sad news that a friend was killed last night in a motorcycle accident. It took my breath away. He was only 23. He and his sweet wife Katya went to our church until they got married a year and a half ago. He (Yuri) and Katya traveled with Kelsey to Alaska on a missions trip, and Kelsey dearly loved him. I never saw either of them do anything but smile, and love life. It is just so tragic, so very, very sad. My heart just breaks for Katya.
I couldn't help it. The day just fell in on me and I could barely tell Kelsey before I broke down in great gut wrenching sobs.
All day, ALL day, with all the problems and upsetting news I have been just a step away from losing it. That was all it took to push me over the edge. Now I have to pull myself together, and go to choir practice.
To sing.
Joyful Easter music.
With a breaking heart.


Kevin J. Bowman said...


I listened yesterday to this sermon. His kingdom language really connected well to me, especially as I read your post.

His point is that we are not selling ourselves short if our identity is in our church membership. Churches have property, members, and ministries. Kingdoms have dominion, citizens, and power.

As I think about Easter, it is the cornonation of the king. As citizen's of the kingdom of God it is our independence day.

It does seem hard, to face loss in such a time of joy. God's peace to you as you mourn your friend.


Kelly said...

I'm sorry, Karedy. Clare wrote about the death of her cousins (I think) this morning, so I've been contemplating how sweet life is and how short it can be. Makes me want to run home and hug my kids to pieces. kisses.

ness said...

Jesus wept.

His heart broke over our pain and loss and confusion as humans. He knew that resurrection was around the corner, but he entered into our grief, our sadness, and cried with us.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

gerbmom said...

Thanks guys for your support and prayers. I appreciate each of you!

Mike Clawson said...

Hey Karen,
Have you seen the new Nooma video yet, the one entitled "Matthew"? It's about loss and grief. I don't know, but it might be helpful right now.



Christine said...

"To sing
Joyful Easter music.
With a breaking heart."

So, you're in the same place that God and His angels were~ maybe still are, every Easter.

A said...

Another Nooma that might fit, is "Bullhorn". It is about the previous methodology of "proclaiming the gospel" and how that isn't the best way anymore. It might ease the transition from the old to the new in your life.

gerbmom said...

Actually A, I've seen Bullhorn. Excellent message eh? I love the NOOMA's.
I think this whole thing will be easier when I can close the door on that chapter of my life and move on.....
Prayers appreciated!

Thanks Chrissy - you put that in perspective!