Empathy, born or made?

Nurture vs. nature. What happens to us vs. what we are. When I was a child I was teased, made fun of mercilessly at school. I hated grade school - well late grade school/jr. high, and yes, parts of high school. I was from a town with "rich kids". Snobs. The ones that thought they were better than the rest of the world. Mean girls. Yep. Even if you were in the group, one day you could be in, the next day you could be out. As I saw happen on more than one occasion. In fact one of those exiled became a good friend of mine within days of her fall from grace. And one of the mean girls had the gall to tell me not to be her friend, she was trash. Sigh
.
One would think that all this meanness, all this hurt is what made me the empathetic person I am. Which is, in and of itself, a curse. As I was pondering why I have been blessed with this personality trait I recalled something that made me realize this was probably a reinforcement of the trait, but I have had it since I was very young.

I remember being a little first grader, running around on the playground, being stopped in my tracks by my classmates chanting. "Kindergarten babies, wash your face in gravy.." Forget that it doesn't make any sense, it hurt me. Me? I felt first anxious and then sad and then hurt. I was internalizing the feeling of the kindergarten kids. How dare these bullies, barely out of kindergarten themselves, be so mean? It just wasn't right. So I refused to participate. Maybe next year when I was a year farther removed. Who was I kidding? I still felt the stab of hurt and embarrassment for each child so bullied.

That's nature. I guess I got the empathy gene and had it nurtured until it was full blown.

For goodness sake, you know it's bad when I project feelings onto buildings! And animals. And, in my mixed up brain, it's worse with both of these because they cannot speak for themselves.

Well, that's my thought for the day. Not sure why I felt compelled to share it, but now you know another little piece of my puzzle.

"The vitality of thought is in adventure...

...Ideas won't keep. Something must be done about them. "
Alfred North Whitehead

Did you ever have that moment when you had an epiphany, or a thought -maybe you saw something you had read a hundred times before in a new and different way? And you just had to write down before you forgot it? I probably have this problem more than most with my ADD mind. Sometimes in life there are times when there are none of those moments. Moments when synapses stop firing because I am too tired to engage my mind. Or times when I close the door on the thoughts - if I can. The moments I won't read because I know I will start the hamster wheel turning. And there are times, when I haven't given any grist for the mill. I have become routine, ho hum. Just going through the motions, thinking the same old thoughts - nothing new to say. And that totally frustrates me, and I wonder what is wrong with me... So, today, out of the blue, when I was doing my afternoon prayers a thought hit me. Kablooey, right between the eyes. And I didn't have a single thing to write on. For a person like me, that is a disaster. People who know me, know I carry paper with me to catch those fleeting thoughts for further consideration. So I'm scrambling for paper. Digging in my bag furiously, knowing full well I have a notebook in there. Somewhere. Quickly, before the thought leaves my head. Scrabble, scrabble. Throwing things around in my quest. Ha Ha. It felt kinda good. Realizing that the wheels are starting to turn again, rusty and as out of practice as they may be. Stone on stone - ready for something new to grind. Not fodder - that is just given to me. I want to forage and feed the mill. I'm ready for something new.

And today, I had a simple and very striking thought. Huh. In those same old words I've read a hundred times before.

Off I go to ponder.

"I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of the old ones."
John Cage

Can We Talk?

I was reading Jon's blog today and in the reading it jogged a memory of something that happened a couple years ago. I was going through a particularly rough time and during that time had quite a few "fights" with God. Basically temper tantrums if I am honest.

About what?

Glad you asked, sorta! I can't believe I'm gonna even say this, but if it can help just one person - it's ok. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the story of the prodigal son. Hmmm... but just what is it you remember about this story? You remember that the father forgave the son who blew it, came back, repented, he even threw a big party! Right? End of story. At least that's usually as far as the sermon or Sunday School lesson went. But did you ever consider how the brother of the prodigal son felt, the one that just got a mention in the passage?

A couple years ago I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Pouting. Sulking. Whatever. Life just didn't seem fair. I had friends who always talked about all the cool things they did growing up. And all the not so cool, but in all honesty, fun learning experiences. The partying, the drinking, all the things you try, and revel in and move on from as you mature. But you still had the experience, enjoyed it, learned from it. And had great stories to tell.

Unless you were raised in a Christian home - and were not the rebellious sort. Overtly rebellious anyway. No, no, I followed the rules, stayed on the correct side of the line, went to youth group, did all the expected Christian things, went to Bible college, and was proud of it. I was God's good girl. I got acceptance and praise. I was doing something right, unlike those sinful friends....

And expecting to be rewarded for my sacrifice! I'm better than you and God loves me more..... well, at least that's the attitude I had.

Until years later when I started hearing (and really listening to) the stories. The fun. The experiences. The rites of passage. From the kids who did whatever they wanted and had a blast. And then repented and God loved them just as much as he did me. And forgave them, and welcomed them to His family. Unconditionally. What? What the heck was I doing denying myself all this stuff for then anyway? It's not fair. There must be some kind of special reward for purity and following the rules! How dare these people even think they are accepted and loved just like me? And so a few fights with God ensued. IT'S NOT FAIR! I was basically stomping my feet and acting like a child with a sense of entitlement. And stunted growth.....

In the middle of this a good friend gave me a book. It was Christmas time, and it was a gift. He had no reason for picking that certain book, it was just a good book, and one that he thought I would enjoy. (Trust me, I asked him later) The book was Return of the Prodigal Son by Henry Nouwen. I settled in to read, and suddenly I stopped. Shocked. This book was about me! Was my friend inside my head? WHY did he give me this book? I never in my life really saw the words in Luke 15: 25-31 about the brother. This wasn't his story, right? And now the brother's story was hitting me over the head. I was the selfish, ungrateful, entitled brother who was angry that the father had thrown the lavish party and accepted the prodigal back with open arms! He had had his cake and eaten it too! He had sinned, sown wild oats, spent tons of money - and then when it all came crashing down came crawling back to daddy. Who threw a party for him! Instead of telling him he had gotten what he deserved. And he hoped he had learned a lesson. And yes, he could live there again, but he'd better shape up and get his act together - he'd better take lessons from his brother!! No! He threw a party!

No judgment. No punishment. No recrimination. No conditions. And the brother sat on the side lines and sulked. Why did I deny myself this life of fun if it made no difference to our father?

See where I'm going here? God is God. He can choose to forgive anyone and restore them and reconcile them to himself for no other reason than that he wants to. It's who He is! And it IS fair. It's His call! I can sit and whine all I want - like Jonah did with regards to Ninevah. Who threw such a temper tantrum that God had to use a fish and a fast growing and equally fast dying shady plant to teach him the important lesson that EVERYONE is important to God. And loved. And forgiven. And no less accepted than anyone else no matter what they have done! And that God can do whatever HE wants. Ninevah didn't deserve God's salvation? The prodigal son didn't deserve unconditional love and welcome?

Oooooh - how convicting. How stupid and selfish I was being......

Tho it hurt, I was so grateful for the gift of the book. And the lessons I learned. Some days it isn't any easier and I have to remind myself I'm acting like a pharisee. Or a spoiled child.

God is God. And can do whatever he pleases. Really.

Pondering exclusion...deliberate or otherwise

I was reading in a book tonight about a girl out having fun with her hubby and a couple other friends. As they were talking it was casually mentioned that several other girls with whom she socialized were having an evening out. Immediately she felt hurt. Now, it wasn't that she even wanted to be with them. She didn't even like most of them. She was truly happier and having more fun where she was. So, why did it bother her?

We have all been there. Acquaintances do something fun, invite one or more of your friends, the people you hang with, but not you. You don't get along with, or even really like the person organizing the event. You are much happier at home with a book. Until you know you weren't invited. Suddenly you care! You don't care that they don't like you, and you don't like them, but you care that they had the audacity not to invite you. You get a bit indignant in addition to feeling hurt. You want to know why they excluded you, when in reality it wasn't deliberate exclusion - it's just that the thought probably never crossed their mind to invite you. You still want to be invited. Why? So others won't think you weren't worthy of an invite? So you can be frustrated and annoyed all evening? Are you jealous that your friends like this person and socialize with them? Or that this person likes your friends and not you? Is it that it's a very obvious rebuff? (even if chances are it isn't.....) Is it that you want to be the one to have the option of opting out? Of declining the invitation? Of turning THEM down? Is it really about power and control??

WHO CARES! You don't like them anyway. Get over it. You know you do not enjoy hanging with this person and dealing with their quirks and control issues. They drive you crazy.

I just don't get it. Why do we do this, feel this, get hurt by this? The human psyche is a funny thing. I don't have any answers. This isn't even occurring in my life right now. It's just that in reading this account the book triggered the feelings and the resentment inherent to the situation.

Huh.

OK - that's what I'm pondering tonight.....

Who are you??

It’s interesting to catch up with people from your past and see where life has taken them. Which ones have predictably stayed the same, and which have changed or grown in amazing ways. Who settled for status quo, what they’ve always been taught, main stream republican lifestyle? And who ask questions, swam upstream and realized republicans aren’t the only party Christians can belong too? (I’m neither Republican or Democrat, just for the record.)

Thinking isn’t always easy. Change isn’t always easy. Too many of us want to be comfortable and seek approval from others. We are afraid of being judged, or thought heretical. We want to sit in church on Sunday and be passive, yet feel good about ourselves because we did what we were supposed to do.

And there we stagnate. Wither and die. And life rolls on around us. Personally, I’d rather think, read, engage with culture, expand my horizons, realize there is more than one way to see things…..

I also find it interesting that many have come to this conclusion, they just aren’t talking to their “old” friends about it, like it’s some big secret, or they’re afraid of the reaction. Whatever. I’m tired of games and masks. What you see is what you get.

I still want to connect with old friends. I love to hear their stories and why they are where they are. How they got there, if it was hard…. and where they have settled. If they are convinced they have the answer, or if they are still seeking, growing, learning, moving. If they are hiding, or if they are themselves, others be damned.

Status quo people seem to have their lives together, have more money, have success. And are afraid to ruffle the waters cuz they might lose it all. If they even think that much. Life is stable, life is comparatively easy, it’s predictable, it’s safe.

The rest of us wander, never feel secure, take chance after chance, refuse to agree just because we are told it’s so. And are judged.

I’d love to sit with a settled friend - especially one from high school or college days and talk with them. See why they are where they are, what they think about things, why they have settled. But in the evangelical world it’s not easy. It’s always black or white, in or out, right or wrong. Which kinda keeps dialogue from happening. To say nothing of acceptance and understanding.

I don’t have the answers, but I sure have the questions.

Wanna talk??

Weezer gets it.....

Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

So, I went to the party and wore what I wanted. My jeans. I was comfy, and happy and me! And if anybody cared they didn't say, and I was good with that. No trendy shoes, no cool skirt; nope, not me.

So, yesterday was weird. Just weird. Emotions all over the place. We spent the morning helping Mike and Julie load the truck, well except for the time I took to hold Aidan for awhile, and play with Emma. Wow, was it hard to say goodbye. Austin, you don't know how fortunate you are.

And then, when emotions started getting the best of me, we had to go - which was beyond hard - and head to a party for goodness sake. A 25th Anniversary party for our good friends Phil and Betsy. Where we had to be happy and enjoy interacting with friends - some we hadn't seen for quite some time. Well, since we left our previous church. Hence the worry about what we wore and whether we were acting properly, or even if we were still being "judged" for leaving our old church. We were genuinely happy for Phil and Betsy though.

See what I mean about roller coaster emotions? Up, down, way down, up......until I crashed at 10:00 and went to sleep.

But it's another day.... hopefully Mike and Julie are well on their way to Austin, and Phil and Betsy are on their way to another 25 years.

And I'm gonna go do what I want.

Simply being me......

You've got to love me
For what I am
For simply being me
Don't love me
For what you intend
Or hope that I will be

carpenters

One thing, among many, that I liked about our church was you could come as you were. No matter what you were wearing or how you felt. You could always, unconditionally be yourself. I think that is the hardest part about looking for a new community. The games. The worry about whether you will be accepted. Conforming.

Tomorrow my friends are having a party. And I worry about what to wear. Stupid. They love me. I will just show up as I am. If other people judge me, so be it. This is me. I am not in rags. I am not unclean. I may not be what you expect - but I can't always live up to others expectations. Besides - I will have just helped some dear friends pack the truck for their move to Texas.

I am good enough. The way I am. So, go ahead and judge me if you want to, but I am old enough to do what I want, and to be comfortable as I am.

Now, if I could just remember that.......

Consider the lilies of the field

Sometimes I wish I didn’t own stuff. Life would be so much simpler if we didn’t have to worry about houses or cars being damaged or destroyed by storms or crashes. It would be less stressful if we didn’t have to worry about “stuff” getting ruined or stolen; if we could just live simply.
*sigh*

The more stuff we have the more there is to protect and worry about. And clean. And move. And store……
No matter how beautiful the storm, how exciting the trip, how wonderful the music on the I-Pod sounds, or how great we feel in a new pair of shoes….there is always that nagging worry in the far recesses of our mind that it can all be gone, ruined, stolen - and how will we ever be able to afford to replace it??? Yet we still buy and possess and insure, and are still never satisfied.
Jen ~ there really is something to be said about living simply. :)

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river

That drowns the tender reed

Some say love, it is a razor

That leaves your soul to bleed

Some say love, it is a hunger

An endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower

And you, its only seed

It's the heart, afraid of breaking

That never learns to dance

It's the dream, afraid of waking

That never takes the chance

It's the one who won't be taken

Who cannot seem to give

And the soul, afraid of dying

That never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely

And the road has been too long

And you think that love is only

for the lucky and the strong

Just remember in the winter

Far beneath the bitter snow

Lies the seed

That with the sun's love, in the spring

Becomes the rose

Vertigo

Life is on the fast track right now....doctor's visits - both for being sick as well as shots for Haiti, Jen graduating, planting/gardening/yard work, celebratory dinners, church, dealing with a crazy dog that now apparently has hypothyroidism, end of the year stuff at school, way too much laundry, getting ready for my college freshman to come home, and a church retreat this weekend = no time to think, much less post. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I really need to find a way to simplify my life. What I wanna do is sit in a hammock in my back yard next to the fountain with a good book, a snuggly puppy, and a sweet tea. Oh, and good music. Instead I'm doing all of the above, plus cleaning, meetings, shopping - I feel myself just getting wound tighter and tighter and tighter.

Like the little clown on the string held between two hands that you kept winding until you couldn't wind any longer and then you let it go and it spins and spins, faster and faster, and the only thing that saves it from flying off into space is the string that connects it to the hands.
It finally stops and swings gently; a smile on its plastic face.

My life is about as wound as it can be. It's time for the spinning, the change, the stirring it all up. I'm not ready. I never am. I'm dizzy and disoriented already and the spinning has just begun. But at least I know that God's hands will keep me from flying off into space. And one can only hope that when the spinning stops I will end up swinging gently in that hammock a grateful smile on my face.

What's a girl to do??

So, the question has become what are we gonna do AVC? (After Via Christus) And quite honestly I have to say I don't know. I just don't have a clue. I've been trying to stay in the moment and take advantage of and enjoy every moment we have left. It would be easy to say "I can't" when presented with current VC opportunities - because after all what will it matter in two months? That's not the way to look at it. And I struggle. I am frustrated that such a good thing has to have a conclusion. And yet, so excited for where God is leading people. Life is fluid. That's all there is to it. And we have to deal with that fluctuation, and with change. So, again, I don't know what is in store. Mike said it well on his blog yesterday....

" I was reminded that after being immersed in a highly participatory house church community for so long, it would be really hard (if not impossible) for me to go back and be content in that non-interactive "sermon and a sing-along" format anymore, not even if I was the one up front getting to do the sermon."

I know, I hear you all saying if you can't find one, start one. But I certainly don't feel equipped to do so no matter how much I'd like to be. And I certainly don't have the enthusiasm of someone twenty years younger. Or the ideas, connections, knowledge and energy it would take.

I do think about it though, what it would take, how it would look, and who we could get to come on board. But I'm afraid each of the people I would like to incorporate, and whom I think could and would contribute and benefit from this kind of group has multiple reasons why it wouldn't work. Including teenage kids that "need" a youth group.

No easy answers, just more questions. I suppose if you don't dream you'll never get there, but I can all too easily see that dream turning into a nightmare....

Tiptoe Through The Tulips

Spring has finally sprung, and the Tulips are in bloom. Somehow, in thinking about these flowers that herald spring and bring us hope, I made a huge leap to TULIP. Yes, as in theology...don't even ask what prompted it....
I remember in college being totally frustrated in my theology class. Predestination, Unconditional Election, these did NOT make sense. Neither did Limited Atonement. And where did any of this leave Free Will? Of course, we were taught five point Calvinism at our school - but it just didn't sit right with me, and I struggled. I passed the class - I could parrot what they wanted to hear, but even then I questioned what I was being taught.
That's probably why I struggled long and hard for years in the church I was in. Why I didn't fit. I just didn't think like they did, yet I was raised there....so what was the problem? When I was able to pin it down to some of these issues I could see I was a square peg in a round hole. I fit if I was forced in, because yes, of course you can fit a square peg in a round hole... but it was not a comfortable situation.
I believe pretty strongly in free will. And I believe pretty strongly that "Whosoever will" means just that - God has chosen all of humanity to be his elect, that he chooses to make us all righteous. And I believe that God's grace is resistible - we can refuse it. Why would God force us to love him, to choose him? What kind of relationship would that be?
Think about your relationships - if you force someone to love you, or be your friend - what happens? Resentment, pushing back, lack of trust and a suspect friendship.
So, really four of the petals have pretty much fallen away, leaving one standing - Assurance and Security. I'm still debating this, turning it over and over in my mind. Once you have the gift of God's salvation can you lose it? Calvinists say no, Arminians say yes - you can defiantly reject God. To me, I think once you have that salvation it can't be lost, and this begs the question of just what salvation is, and if you were truly "saved" in the first place. And of course this throws back in the whole concept of works. No, works can't save you, but without works, faith is dead! If there isn't a heart change, a desire to follow Christ and his way, was there ever salvation at all?

Wow - deep thoughts for this beautiful spring day when the tulips are in bloom.

Quote of the Day

"It's a sad state of affairs when we live in fear
at the hands of other believers."

Virgil V.

Think about it......
A lot of us "get" that. We have felt it. We have been, or are, there.
When our motives, our salvation and our beliefs are constantly questioned and judged, and when our jobs often depend on saying and believing the "right thing"... well then, yes it is a very sad state of affairs.
When we are afraid to question, think, look at something with different eyes...
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we lose friends, lose community, lose hope,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we can't see beyond denominations and labels,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we try to follow Christ, try to live his commands, care about the poor, the sick, the marginalized as much as we do the "sinner" and we are accused of being liberal, or unbiblical,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we are wrong, because we don't happen to agree with you...
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we are afraid to acknowledge that we may be wrong in our thinking concerning the Bible, the Good News, God, the kingdom, and who is and who is not "right", or who is and who is not a "christian"
that is a sad state of affairs.

We need to open up the paths of communication instead of rushing to judgement.
We need to mirror God's mercy and grace.
We need to love. Period.
And in this way, as iron sharpens iron, we can learn, and grow. We can understand. We can find the good and the truth, and know it is God's no matter where it may be found.

You are my brother. You are my sister. We should not have to live in fear of our family!

Anyway, thanks for the quote Virgil.... we all need to let it roll around in our heads for awhile and seriously think about the ramifications......both for us individually and for the kingdom.

Grace defined....

A few years ago as a part of a small group we were asked to answer the question "what is grace?" Without using the usual "unmerited favor" type answers. It was difficult. This was the best I could do. For some reason I am thinking about grace today.

Grace is God taking joy in us. It is his unconditional acceptance of us where we are. Grace flows and fills the cracks of the wounded soul. It is constant in that God gives it, and the end result is the same, yet it approaches us all and fills us in its own unique way - meeting individual needs. Grace is daddy - picking up the baby who falls as he is learning to walk and in pride and love with gentleness encourages him to try yet again. Grace is safety that embraces our insecurities.

Grace is quite simply God.

How would you define it?

Just what is Tithing anyway?

So now I have a new debate whirling in my brain. Tithing. what it is, what is isn't, what it really means, is it mandatory, do we have it wrong, does our way of doing church dictate tithing, do small communities have a better, healthier view of tithing?
Is it stewardship instead of tithing? Is tithing a small part of a much larger thing? Is tithing misused by the church?
Is giving to God a much, much larger thing encompassing compassion, justice issues, helping your neighbor, your community, your friend, being able to assist monetarily when needed, buy food for people, clothes for people, have a party for people?
Wow, this is a huge issue. One I never spent a lot of time thinking about before....
But now in light of so many changes in my life and way of thinking, I am obviously bugged by this and starting to rethink the whole thing.
Where is our heart in this? Do we tithe merely to have a tax write off?
Do we tithe because we've been taught if we do, God will bless us and we will be financially secure?
Is the tithe a bludgeon to keep us in line, a measuring stick of how good of a Christian we are?
Is the tithe just used to sustain the church and pay the pastor?
Or should we be doing this in a different way?
Some say in the age of grace tithing is not necessary. I think that is a cop out. But I'm still not sure where I stand on the spectrum.
Aaargh. Just what I need. A confusing issue to wrestle with over break.
And yes, a couple years ago I would never have even had these questions, much less engage and struggle with them. LOL.
Life is never boring......

Looking for God: an unexpected journey through tattoos, tofu & pronouns

So, still feeling miserable after going home from work last night I curled up on the couch and watched a movie. (Enchanted....it was fun and brainless, what can I say?) After that I decided to read a book I'd been wanting to read, but had been to busy to begin. Last night was the perfect time.
The book, Looking for God: An Unexpected Journey Through Tattoos, Tofu & Pronouns by Nancy Ortberg was a perfect book to read. It moved fast, was easy to understand and articulated much of what I have been thinking for the past couple years. I found myself wanting to highlight vast portions - but it wasn't my book - I borrowed it from Julie. I am gonna buy my own copy though, because I liked it and would find it easy and comfortable to pass along to my friends. Ortberg's reflections are personal, insightful and thought provoking with out being judgmental and harsh. She, in fact is on the journey with us all, and is very open about her faults and mis-steps. Interesting chapters include: The Problem With Quiet Time (finally!), Could We Please Stop Talking Like This? (Amen!), Shoes (wow!) and my favorite considering where I've found myself over the past couple years: Longings, Aches, and Pains.
Here are some excerpts:

"I am applauded when I speak in terms of blessings and power. But people nervously shift and move to change the subject when I mention that things are sometimes difficult and that something might be wrong with me."

"..God is so often the most real to me when I go to those difficult places. Yet I want to avoid them, and quiet them, and pretend they are not real."

"But for most of my life, I have met God most deeply in the middle of the hard stuff. I didn't know much, but I knew that. So instead of burying it, I chose to face it and pay attention to it. I chose to wrestle with it and try to listen. And I chose to live with it and all the tension and sadness it produced."

"Two of the most powerful things that God offers us are His grace and His forgiveness. Yet when we insist on ignoring the difficult parts of life, we are effectively saying that we don't need those two things. So the power of God is lost in our lives. And we wonder why following Him has become predictable and dull."

"...your mistakes are not stronger than God's love for you. That realization builds a strong central core in your soul that is unshakable. If we face them, our longings, aches, and pains take us to an alone place. Perhaps that is why we avoid them. But if we refuse to avoid them, we find what is true about the alone place. That it isn't alone."

"We all have black holes in our souls that keep anything from filling us up for too long. They keep us in a constant state of neediness, always seeking reinforcement through pleasure and comfort and busyness. But if we allow ourselves to experience the longing, refusing easy answers for the aches and pains, we'll slowly build solid bedrock of God in our souls. Those alone places create a foundation that closes up the black hole for good."

"She encouraged him to face the issue, not ignore, avoid, or drown it out. She talked about being willing to wrestle with God, and to take the pain head-on rather than trying to numb it through destructive behaviors. To listen, to search, to struggle, and to wait."

"Henri Nouwen wrote that we have nothing to offer others if we don't know that we are loved by God. Of all the places we go to get love, our longings, aches, and pains are the most powerful and convincing. If we have the courage to go there and to live there in healthy ways, we will surely find that healing awaits us."

So, when I finished this wonderful book of essays, all I could say was - How did Nancy get inside my head???

I will leave you with this final thought from another chapter which pretty much sums up how I look at things these days....

"I am better equipped to live out a faith that is real when I have wrestled and read and thought and prayed about what I really believe. Who is God? How is He different than what I have thought? What is His true nature?"

I appreciate and highly recommend this book - find a copy and read it - you won't be sorry!

Friday morning thoughts.....

I remember being taught in college that prejudice is usually a result of lack of communication and therefore understanding. Of course they were talking broadly, but the concept does hold true even on a much smaller levels.

Did you ever meet someone you really didn't like? And I don't mean just first impressions. A lot of us don't come across well if you judge on first impressions alone.

I mean someone you have contact with over and over and you just don't like. They irritate you. I can think of two very specific examples. And one of those people ended up being a really good friend, and the other a good co-worker.

Why? Because we had a conversation. One that went beyond the masks and the pretense. One that helped me know them, what made them tick. And once they allowed me to see them, see their heart, see their baggage, what made them the way they were, the whole picture shifted. They no longer seemed petty, or mean, or derogatory. When those things still surfaced (and believe me, they did/do...) I understood where they came from and worked with them.

Now, I must admit, the reverse is also true - I have had friends who I totally gelled with. Totally got, totally resonated with. Only to find out that was a mask too. That was not the real them. And when I got to see the real person behind the mask I realized that was not the person I wanted to spend time with. Or be so transparently open with anymore. Which is sad. Had those people been who they really were to start with I probably would still have a relationship with them today because I would have known and accepted and understood the real them. Those masks that we think help us only hinder. I don't know where I'm going with this - it was just some thoughts that hit me as I was starting up all the computers in the computer lab this morning. Before we are so quick to judge we need to make an effort to get to know a person. We might just be surprised at what we find!

Can you hear me now??

So, this is another one of those thoughts that I'm working on - it is still in process, but this is where I am in my thinking this morning...

Yesterday, as I was trying to pray - with no success, a new take on an old theme occurred to me.
Why does it seem like God does not hear our prayers? We were always taught that you had to be "right with God" for your prayers to be heard. That sin in your life kept God from hearing you - unless of course the prayer was a prayer of repentance. If that is so than there are an awful lot of prayers not being heard. Would God deliberately ignore our prayers? Sometimes it feels like it - those times it seems like the prayers bounce off the ceiling and go no further. So - if it IS sin that stops the prayer, is it God punishing us? I don't think so.
What occurred to me today is the fact that I can't pray with this obvious "sin" in my life. It has nothing to do with any of the other requests, praises, etc., but it's there in the back of my mind when I am trying to pray about other things. It is something I should be praying for, asking for, wanting, and yet I don't, and until I get that fixed, how dare I think I have the kind of deep open relationship with God that allows fellowship and communication? Yes, he's still hearing me. And probably answering me. But I can't hear it, I can't see it, and I'm hiding instead of truly connecting with God. Because I know what he wants me to do and I'm not doing it. My guilt, shame and avoidance are the hindrance. It is not God's judgement.
When Adam and Eve sinned they knew they had done wrong. They were embarrassed, and they hid from God. And yet, he went looking for them. They didn't want to talk to him, but he still wanted to have a relationship with them.
He is still waiting, still listening; He is still there.
My prayers are not heard, because I am not able to pray.
He is not ignoring me - I am not comfortable being in His presence.
And so, I hide.

Real To Me
Nichole Nordeman

Every time I try to find you
Every road comes back around
Just another hoop to jump through
Another mile of covered ground

I am weary of the answers
More theory and cliché
They raise the letter of the law like a banner
'Til you're small and far away

All the questions in my head
Are from my heart instead

Be real to me now
That's all I'm asking
Be real to me now

Every scribe and every scholar
No winners in this debate
Everybody seems to stand up taller
When you're easy to explain

I don't need to know what I don't know
Just got to let it go

Be real to me now
That's all I'm asking
Be real somehow
More than anything
More than anything

So lay down the sword
And put away the doctrine
Love a little more, love a little more
'Cause everybody's broken

Are you daydreaming when you should be working?

There is a song with a very catchy tune getting a lot of airplay these days. On the surface I found myself humming along - until I really listened to the words. And then, well - I don't agree with the song. But a lot of people aren't going to think about what they are hearing/singing along with, and the song is just gonna keep on rolling. When I was looking for the lyrics so I could post them, I found this comment with a question:

An awesome song that’s been ministering to me lately is What Could Be Better, by 33 Miles. Am I the only one who’s noticed a lack of songs written about looking forward to Heaven?

I’ve heard it said today
Is all we’re given
Tomorrow may not come
So you better start living
I guess it all depends
On your point of view
Pardon me if I
Just don’t listen
To everything the world
Says I’m missing
There’s nothing here and now
I’m gonna hold on to

I’m living in the days ahead
I’m already dancing on the streets of gold
Can’t stop celebrating in my soul
I’m living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can’t wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

If home is where the heart
Is then I’m in Heaven
It’s the promise of tomorrow
That I’ve been given
Who is waiting there I am living for
He’s everything I love
And I believe in
And I can hardly wait
Just to see Him
And hear Him say well done
I couldn’t ask for more

I’m living in the days ahead
I’m already dancing on the streets of gold
Can’t stop celebrating in my soul
I’m living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can’t wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better
Life is full of ups and downs
Inside outs, round and rounds
Can’t blame me for dreaming about it

I’m living in the days ahead
I’m already dancing on the streets of gold
Can’t stop celebrating in my soul
I’m living in the days ahead
Nothing on earth could ever compare
Can’t wait for the day when I get there
When I see Jesus face to face
Tell me what could be better
Tell me what could be better

People! Do you ever think about the message of the song(s) you are propagating???
Maybe you do, maybe the way I think is totally different than the way you think. Even if your philosophy of the end times is different than mine, still to subscribe to the words of this song is totally missing the point of being a Christian. I'm not saying we shouldn't be excited about the future, or that we shouldn't long to see Jesus. But we have to stop being, as the cliché says, "too heavenly minded to be any earthly good."

Why are you a believer? To save yourselves from hell, and get into heaven? Is your belief simply an insurance policy?? What are you living for? The future? As in, "This world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through"? Don't you think that being a Christian, a true follower of Christ is much deeper than that?? Way too many Christians go to church every Sunday to do their duty, or even just to be seen so others will not think badly of them, and then rarely think about God things the rest of the week.

He’s everything I love
And I believe in
And I can hardly wait
Just to see Him
And hear Him say well done
I couldn’t ask for more

But He can! If he is everything we love and believe in shouldn't we be living in His way, following his example, doing His work??
The point of our salvation is to join in the work of God as he reconciles the world to himself. We are blessed to be a blessing. We are to be about God's business. Loving, helping, fighting injustice.
If we spend all our time thinking and dreaming of the days ahead, what happens here and now? What about the fact that Jesus spent his time feeding the poor, healing the sick, eating with sinners, loving the children, challenging authority, teaching those who wanted to be like him?
What do we do? Sit in church and sing about heaven!
To hold to this future theology means to give up on the world. To give up on the people God so desperately loves. It means that we are selfishly saying," it's all going to just be destroyed anyway, why should I even consider working to make this world a better place?" It's defeatist, fatalistic thinking. Are we just resigned to the fact that there is nothing left in the world that is worth redeeming?
How does that help the hungry, or clothe someone who is cold?
If we are truly committed followers of Christ, if we are truly accepting him as Lord, and King, and Ruler - shouldn't we be following his plan? His way of living?
Instead of preaching we need to live our faith.
Instead of going to church, we need to be the church.
Instead of dreaming of heaven, instead of not being able to wait to get out of here, we need to work to make it a better place for all those God loves - and loves equally.
Instead of blame we need love.
Instead of finger pointing, we need teamwork.

In answer to the question of the above song's title "What Could be Better?" I leave the words of John Waller's song The Blessing:

The Blessing

Let it be said of us while we walked among the living
Let it be said of us by the ones we leave behind
Let it be said of us that we lived to be a blessing for life

And let it be said of us that we gave to reach the dying
Let it be said of us by the fruit we leave behind
Let it be said of us that our legacy is blessing for life

This day, You set life, You set death right before us
This day, every blessing and curse is a choice now
And we will choose to be a blessing for life

Let it be said of us that our hearts belong to Jesus
Let it be said of us that we spoke the words of life
Let is be said of us that our heritage is blessing for life

'Cause blessings and curses are choices
Will we build up, tear down? The moment of truth is now

For your kingdom, for our children
For the sake of every nation
For your kingdom, for our children
For the sake of every nation
We will choose to be a blessing for life