Can We Talk?

I was reading Jon's blog today and in the reading it jogged a memory of something that happened a couple years ago. I was going through a particularly rough time and during that time had quite a few "fights" with God. Basically temper tantrums if I am honest.

About what?

Glad you asked, sorta! I can't believe I'm gonna even say this, but if it can help just one person - it's ok. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the story of the prodigal son. Hmmm... but just what is it you remember about this story? You remember that the father forgave the son who blew it, came back, repented, he even threw a big party! Right? End of story. At least that's usually as far as the sermon or Sunday School lesson went. But did you ever consider how the brother of the prodigal son felt, the one that just got a mention in the passage?

A couple years ago I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Pouting. Sulking. Whatever. Life just didn't seem fair. I had friends who always talked about all the cool things they did growing up. And all the not so cool, but in all honesty, fun learning experiences. The partying, the drinking, all the things you try, and revel in and move on from as you mature. But you still had the experience, enjoyed it, learned from it. And had great stories to tell.

Unless you were raised in a Christian home - and were not the rebellious sort. Overtly rebellious anyway. No, no, I followed the rules, stayed on the correct side of the line, went to youth group, did all the expected Christian things, went to Bible college, and was proud of it. I was God's good girl. I got acceptance and praise. I was doing something right, unlike those sinful friends....

And expecting to be rewarded for my sacrifice! I'm better than you and God loves me more..... well, at least that's the attitude I had.

Until years later when I started hearing (and really listening to) the stories. The fun. The experiences. The rites of passage. From the kids who did whatever they wanted and had a blast. And then repented and God loved them just as much as he did me. And forgave them, and welcomed them to His family. Unconditionally. What? What the heck was I doing denying myself all this stuff for then anyway? It's not fair. There must be some kind of special reward for purity and following the rules! How dare these people even think they are accepted and loved just like me? And so a few fights with God ensued. IT'S NOT FAIR! I was basically stomping my feet and acting like a child with a sense of entitlement. And stunted growth.....

In the middle of this a good friend gave me a book. It was Christmas time, and it was a gift. He had no reason for picking that certain book, it was just a good book, and one that he thought I would enjoy. (Trust me, I asked him later) The book was Return of the Prodigal Son by Henry Nouwen. I settled in to read, and suddenly I stopped. Shocked. This book was about me! Was my friend inside my head? WHY did he give me this book? I never in my life really saw the words in Luke 15: 25-31 about the brother. This wasn't his story, right? And now the brother's story was hitting me over the head. I was the selfish, ungrateful, entitled brother who was angry that the father had thrown the lavish party and accepted the prodigal back with open arms! He had had his cake and eaten it too! He had sinned, sown wild oats, spent tons of money - and then when it all came crashing down came crawling back to daddy. Who threw a party for him! Instead of telling him he had gotten what he deserved. And he hoped he had learned a lesson. And yes, he could live there again, but he'd better shape up and get his act together - he'd better take lessons from his brother!! No! He threw a party!

No judgment. No punishment. No recrimination. No conditions. And the brother sat on the side lines and sulked. Why did I deny myself this life of fun if it made no difference to our father?

See where I'm going here? God is God. He can choose to forgive anyone and restore them and reconcile them to himself for no other reason than that he wants to. It's who He is! And it IS fair. It's His call! I can sit and whine all I want - like Jonah did with regards to Ninevah. Who threw such a temper tantrum that God had to use a fish and a fast growing and equally fast dying shady plant to teach him the important lesson that EVERYONE is important to God. And loved. And forgiven. And no less accepted than anyone else no matter what they have done! And that God can do whatever HE wants. Ninevah didn't deserve God's salvation? The prodigal son didn't deserve unconditional love and welcome?

Oooooh - how convicting. How stupid and selfish I was being......

Tho it hurt, I was so grateful for the gift of the book. And the lessons I learned. Some days it isn't any easier and I have to remind myself I'm acting like a pharisee. Or a spoiled child.

God is God. And can do whatever he pleases. Really.

Which way do I go???

And so I find myself in a dilemma. Do you know the meaning of dilemma?

“A situation in which somebody must choose one of two or more unsatisfactory alternatives.”

This is making me crazy - cuz it's difficult to live with either choice. One choice leaves me with a great deal of stress and anxiety, and the other a great deal of guilt.


It's times like these you just wanna say "God, please give me a road map...."
Of course he would probably give me a map like the one we got in New Hampshire that doesn't label half the roads so you are always confused, wandering and guessing. Navigating one way streets, driving in circles - or halfway down the road finding "You can't get there from here", or a dead end. Which makes me want to just pull off the road and throw my hands up in despair.

Not only does God choose to give us great learning experiences, He also appears to have a sense of humor. Only right now I'm not finding it very funny.....

I coulda had a V-8!

As I was driving today I felt compelled to listen to the radio. K Love. Dunno why. I haven't listened to it much in the last year. I haven't done a lot of things in the last year.

I'm thinking I should have been doing a lot of those things. But I got busy. Busy, busy, busy. With "stuff." Distractions. People. Fun. And before I knew it I was waaaaaaaaaaaaay off track. Which would explain a lot of things. I think I just experienced a wake up call this morning. No - not that I should be listening to K Love. LOL. Not at all. But that there is something in my life that I have been putting on the back burner for a couple years that really shouldn't be there. So, it's time to get up, dust myself off and get back on track.

Why does it take being hit over the head with a baseball bat before we acknowledge that we have to turn around, retrace our steps and head in a totally different direction other than the one in which we have been traveling?

The ties that bind.....

Ritual Cat

When the spiritual teacher and his disciples began their evening meditation, the cat who lived in the monastery made such noise that it distracted them. So the teacher ordered that the cat be tied up during the evening practice. Years later, when the teacher died, the cat continued to be tied up during the meditation session. And when the cat eventually died, another cat was brought to the monastery and tied up. Centuries later, learned descendants of the spiritual teacher wrote scholarly treatises about the religious significance of tying up a cat for meditation practice.

Into the Woods......we went !

Wow, it's been a busy week. Lots of stuff going on. The big thing this week was the musical. Into the Woods - the final high school performance of my daughter's life. She was very sad.....
I could not believe how incredibly difficult this musical was to perform. But this cast rose to the challenge. For a synopsis and great insights about the play, visit Mike's blog. Thanks Mike - saved me a ton of time, and you did a much better and insightful job than I ever could!

All I know is, life isn't happily ever after all the time. And this play shows the consequences of one choice. Kind of a "butterfly effect." It's a thinking persons play. I saw it two nights, and I'm sure I still missed a lot. Fortunately I have the DVD, and Carissa's script, so I can fill in the gaps.

Anyway - here are some pictures - a little grainy - it's hard to get good pix in a dark theater, and also of cast members high on adrenaline! Enjoy.

Carissa's famous cow - designed, drawn and painted by her,
cut and put together by Mr. Fantozi.

never one to hold back in real life either, Carissa is telling off the giant.....

Rachelle

Jack and his mother....Billy and Carissa

Paige (the baker's wife) and Carissa

Brad (Rapunzel's prince) and Carissa

Carissa (Jacks' Mother) and Billy (Jack)

Carissa's poster - (this is also the program and t-shirt design)

The seniors

Being listened to is so close to being loved
that most people cannot tell the difference.
-David Oxberg

Learning to love like a dog.....

Sometimes my dogs make me really mad. Especially when they bark, shred paper or steal food. Life would be so much easier without them. Until they were gone - and then I would realize what a gaping hole had been left in my life. And I would be sad. The puppies love to play. They love me unconditionally. They watch TV with me. They love it when I pet their silky soft fur - which is kinda like playing with sand or anything else that calms me. I can't stay stressed while I'm petting the dog. They curl up beside me at night and keep me warm and snuggly. They listen when I rant, jump when I laugh, cock their heads and look at me with liquid eyes when I cry. They want to be with me, they want to please me. There's no miscommunication with dogs. No hurt feelings.
They bark at intruders, eat the crumbs off my floor, fetch the paper. They know when I am sick or hurting and gently lick me, paw me, before settling down at my side to watch over me. The dogs will greet me with pure joy and exuberance when I come home from anywhere. Dogs love with no hidden agendas. Their love is pure and intense. Dogs expect nothing from me other than food, water and LOVE.
Dogs are born with an endless capacity for agape love, and they don't even have to work at it. If I am grouchy, if I ignore them, if I refuse them love - they still love me. And when I decide I'm ready to be friends again, my dogs don’t ignore me to teach me a lesson. They're just happy I'm there. Dogs love for a lifetime. This is something humans work hard on in relationships, but often fail at.
This is why we need dogs. They do something for us that rarely a human companion can do. No matter how much I mess up, or how many things I do wrong, no matter how many mistakes I make or how often I make them my dogs still love me. It doesn't matter how I look, how much money I make, or if I am popular. My dog never judges me. He loves me with all his heart.
A few thoughts to leave you with:

"Plus je vois les hommes, plus j'admire les chiens" (The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs) Madame Roland - 18th century

"the best friend a man has in the world may turn against him and become his enemy. His son or daughter ... may prove ungrateful. Those who are nearest and dearest to him ... may become traitors to their faith.... The one absolutely unselfish friend that man can have in this selfish world, the one that never deserts him, the one that never proves ungrateful or treacherous, is his dog." Samuel Coleridge - May 1830

"The dog chooses us, not because it is confused about our identity, not because dogs think we are the marvel of creation, but merely because dogs love us. It is such an amazing fact, and so counter intuitive (so profoundly unlovable do we think we are) that almost nobody can accept it as fact. Dogs love us not only because we feed them, or walk them, or groom them, or protect them, but because we are fun. How astonishing!" Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

"Dog love is local love, passionate, often unmediated, virtually always reciprocated, fulfilling, manageable. Love for humans is harder." Marjorie Garber


"Dogs are astonishingly skilled at reading humans' patterns of social behavior, especially behaviors related to food and care. They figure out our moods and what makes us happy, what moves us. Then they act accordingly, and we tell ourselves that they're crazy about us. " Brian Hare

"Even when fully acquainted with all our weaknesses, our treachery, our unkindness, the dog seems to love strongly......" Jeffrey Moussaieff Masson

When a dog loves you, he loves you forever.....
Can you imagine how it could change the world if we would love like a dog?

Wisdom from Le Petit Prince

Voici mon secret. Il est très simple: on ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.
Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.
(or - one sees well only with the heart. The essential is invisible to the eyes.)

Mais les yeux sont aveugles. Il faut chercher avec le cœur.
But the eyes are blind. One must look with the heart...

Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé.
You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.

C'est le temps que tu a perdu pour ta rose qui fait ta rose si importante.
It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

Les grandes personnes ne comprennent jamais rien toutes seules, et c'est fatigant, pour les enfants, de toujours leur donner des explications.
Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them.

I wonder.....

Babies are so trusting. So open. And so willing to let you love them. Hurt babies, tired babies, scared babies. They long for arms to hold them. They come to you with arms outstretched in supplication. Hold me, love me, reassure me, comfort me. And, as the adult they seek out, we feel so blessed. So needed. So honored to be the one to bestow love and compassion on them. To feel their tired body relax into yours, and feel yours relax in love and contentment in response to theirs. To let time slow, and embrace the rhythm of rocking. To feel the stress of life subside as you minister to another.

Is it like that with God? Does he feel happiness when we crawl to him in hurt or exhaustion? Does he feel great joy holding us against his chest as we melt into the safety of his arms? Does he hold our tired selves with great contentment, rocking us in his reassuring embrace? Does his heart thrill at our blatant need for love and sing with ecstasy to know we need him?

I wonder.

The stories of my life

The things God allows us to go through in our lives are interesting. Even more interesting is our reaction to those things. Still more interesting is what we learn about ourselves in the process. Surprising things. Especially when we compare it to a past similar situation; it becomes an amazing growth yardstick. Things that would have broken me in the past, while painful and unwanted merely seem to bend me more into the person God wants me to be. Bending, stretching, making perfect - never in the way I would choose; given a choice I would always choose the easy way -another chapter in my story. So now I'm through a trial, and out the other side, and ready to move on into the next learning adventure. Who knows what it will be, but I know God will give me the grace and mercy and serenity to deal with it if I let him. This last episode has been a huge lesson in trust and letting go of control. Of relaxing into him and letting him tell the story the way he wants to - ending and all. And just knowing that he can see the big picture, he knows how it all fits together, he is the master storyteller, is amazing and immensely comforting. You don't even have to cheat and read the end of the book first to know it will be all right when God's the storyteller!

Parental Joy

This morning I was sitting in the choir room before the church service. We were running though a couple of songs to warm up and do some last minute fine-tuning. Since I have been sick (bronchitis, laryngitis) I have not been able to practice. Even in this warm up I was not singing, I had to save all of my voice for the service. I was sitting observing and the song that was being sung was absolutely beautiful. Gorgeous harmonies, a simple but haunting melody...and as I listened I suddenly realized that not only was my husband in choir with me, so were two of my children. And they were contributing to this lovely song with joy and grace, tenderness and passion. Their voices were instruments lifting praise and adoration to their God. And I had to catch my breath and blink away a tear. I was so very, very proud to be their mom, and to have the privilege of participating in this act of worship and celebration with them. They have beautiful voices, and they were using them for God, and though I can't truly find the words to describe it, it was a very touching, special moment. A God moment. A sweet reminder of the joy our Father must take in us when we willingly and joyfully participate with him in his plan for all creation, when we celebrate his love, and when we spend time in his presence. I am truly blessed.

It's about the journey....

So, last weekend my friend and I jumped in the car and took off on a road trip.
Life just got to be too much, and we just pulled up and left on Saturday morning. Drove three hours just to spend a few hours at a scarecrow festival, antique shop, eat - you know what I mean. But the destination wasn't the reason we went. It was the going. The drive. The journey. We spent 6 hours on the road - yep, 6, talking about life. Hers, mine, questions, concerns, messiness, struggles, the past, the present and how overwhelming life can be. It was a very intimate conversation, and I will cherish it always. We laughed, we cried. We were vulnerable with each other, and we are now pretty intertwined in each others hearts. It's a God thing. It's a good thing. We came back home, not having solved any problems, but having someone to enter into them with us. How cool is that? The point? I don't know. I guess we all need someone. Someone who is safe - no matter what we say. We all need to get away and rest. And it's not about the destination - it's about the journey; what we do now on this earth as we travel, how we live, what our passions and responsibilities are now, not what the ultimate reward is. It's about the joy in the journey. We all need to wander with a friend who listens even if they have no answers. We all need someone to believe in us when we aren't able to believe in ourselves. I still feel overwhelmed. I still feel beat down, tired, frustrated; but it's different now. Someone is walking beside me as I travel...how precious is that?

Everyone should spend a day with a baby......

Did you ever notice how excited a baby gets when it hears its parent's voice? It wiggles and grins and the excitement literally shines from his or her eyes.
Or when the baby sees mom or dad's face? It does anything possible to get to them including attempting to jump out of someone else's arms.
And no matter how quiet the parent may be as he or she enters the room the baby always senses its presence.
So why is it we as God's children don't often experience this reaction? In fact, many times we hide, or at the very least run the other way. Or maybe we just sit and wait for Him to come to us, usually on our terms.
I want to have that childlike excitement, desire, the I'll do anything to get there" attitude. I want to be delighted by the sight of my Father, or even when I can't see Him, to be overjoyed at the sound of His voice. I want to jump out of the things that are holding me back and into His arms. I want to sense when He is near and be attuned enough to His quiet presence to hear even the still small voice.
I want to wiggle and grin with excitement at the prospect of spending time in His presence. I want to become that baby whose all consuming desire, and greatest joy is to be with my Father.

Further lessons from Emma

It's amazing what babies can teach you. Emma is ready to crawl. She wants to get around. She wants to explore, to be able to get to her parents, whatever. And so she is up on all fours rocking. Rocking, rocking, going nowhere - just frustrating herself. Pitching forward on her nose, or in defeat dropping to her belly and scooting. All she has to do is lift up her little hand and move it forward, lift up her little knee and do the same. But she doesn't get it.
Ok - parallel to my life. Here I am, rocking on all fours, ready to go, frustrated with where I am. Wanting to be closer to God, wanting to explore all He has for me. And yet, I keep rocking, forgetting that in order to move forward I have to pick my hand up off the safety of the ground and reach forward. I have to realize in order to move forward I have to take some risk. Make a conscious effort to follow the first letting go of my safe life and follow it with another release of the ground with another part of me too. Instead I just rock and rock and rock, occasionally pitching forward on my nose and crying in anger and frustration. Or I just drop to my belly and revert to embracing the safety of those ground things in my life even though it makes moving forward a hundred times harder. I move, but so slowly I don't get far before I give up, exhausted. Looks like we both have a challenge Emma - but somehow I have a feeling you'll figure it out before me.....

Emma's lesson....

So, today I was at Mike and Julie's helping paint their new house so they can move in next week. During one part of the day I was trying to calm Emma down. Poor baby - it was a rough day for her - unfamiliar surroundings, off schedule, over stimulated, and afraid to miss anything that might be happening - even for one little minute. Beyond tired and totally exhausted, she refused at times to be comforted, fighting sleep and refusing to give in to people who loved her, knew she needed her rest, and only wanted the best for her. As I stood rocking her, holding her close in my arms it hit me - I am so like a baby right now. I'm like Emma, I'm unfamiliar in my surroundings, my life is off kilter, I am over stimulated, and overwhelmed in my questioning and reading, yet I can't stop because I'm afraid I might miss something important. Something I need to know, something that is happening that I need to be a part of. And in my life I am totally exhausted, worn down, overwhelmed and frustrated. Yet I refuse to accept the solace, the comfort, the rest that my Heavenly Father, who loves me so much, who knows what is best for me, who wants me to rest in him, is offering. He is holding me in His arms and I am kicking and screaming and fighting those loving arms, trying to do it on my own. Not accepting His direction although He obviously knows what I need, what is best for me right now. And I am exhausting myself in my struggle, but I refuse to give in. How stubborn am I?
And the parallal between me and Emma is convicting to say the least. Now the question is, what am I going to do about it?

And my response is......

So, it's been a really tough week around here. I wish I could say it has been a great learning experience, but I can't. At least not right now. It's basically just been painful. It amazes me how little bitty, seemingly innocent things have a way of blowing up into gigantic issues. And as I have observed this personally this week it has been interesting to observe the various responses people have to the problem. Being Christ-like goes out the window as everybody scrambles for secure footing on the rocky precipice of "I am Justified" mountain. Or maybe its twin, "I am Right" peak. And nobody reaches out a hand to pull the impulsive, inexperienced man, impatient to make it to the top, who has found himself in an impossible spot of having nowhere to go, to safety. No one sets aside thoughts of their own position to help rescue or secure a brother on the stable ground of understanding. Now is not the time for blame and criticism. It is time to gently encourage and, wrap arms of compassion around the one who is in trouble, to help him find his way out of the precariousness of his current position before irreversible damage is done.

It doesn't matter if the one on dangerous ground is the one who led us into this mess. It doesn't matter if the one in danger of going over the edge followed the leader up the mountain challenging his lead, all the while yelling at him that he is wrong. It doesn't matter who's right. What matters is that another can keep his head and come along side those in trouble, putting themselves in the middle of the danger also to help guide those in trouble to a safe path, a path that leads to a respite of compassion, understanding, and healing.

And perhaps next time, before we start the journey, a bit of experience would help. A guide to gently instruct those who are learning to lead. Before we head out into the unknown, we who embark on the journey must also be willing to listen, encourage and support each other. And if we get in trouble, we must not hesitate to ask for help before we find ourselves in harms way.

But for right now, we need to bind up the wounded, to love the hurting. Nurture each other back to good health so our corporate body can once again be healthy and whole. Affirm and support one another. Offer assistance to those who desire it, and pray for those who can't begin to figure out how they ended up in this mess. And above all, strive to humbly be like Jesus in what we say and do.