To a man with an empty stomach food is God. ~Gandhi

I've been thinking a lot lately about being Jesus to others.

Sometimes I think of so many things I could do. But I don't know how to start a single one of them. Maybe I'm making them too complicated. Lately I've been reading about feeding the hungry. Food pantries. I would love to be involved in something like this. But I don't know how. And truth be told I'm a better worker than a leader. But it's intriguing. Food. It is so important in the Bible. It's mentioned over and over and over. At every important event. Breaking bread together. Miracles. Gleaning the fields. Hospitality. Food and Christianity is inextricably connected. Jesus ate with sinners. The early church had communal meals. The last supper. The wedding feast. And in none of these instances was this selective, well except maybe the Last Supper. Feeding the hungry. That is love.

And now I am reading about how food pantries work. I'm reading again how poverty contributes to obesity and heart disease. How the poorest of the poor often have no food other than cheap "fast foods" available in their neighborhoods and don't have the transportation or money to go to where the grocery stores are for food. About the way food is subsidized in this country and how often good, healthy food is plowed back into the ground due to US agricultural policy which allows farmers to hold their product off the market to support price. How school lunch programs tend to provide unhealthy food - cheap and fast to make, like bologna sandwiches and instant mashed potatoes. Fat is cheap,comforting and filling. Vegetables are hard to come by and not as quick or easy to prepare. Salty and sugary foods, the fatty foods, foods filled with high fructose corn syrup are the foods of the poor. Foods that make the belly feel full. Cheaply.

I have been reading how one woman wanted to start a food pantry in her church. What is more fundamental to loving others than to see that they are fed? And so she did her research and came up with a plan. The interesting thing was that this church had just purchased a very expensive altar, hand built of polished hardwood, inscribed in gilt letters with two quotations. The first: "This guy welcomes sinners and eats with them" referring to a quote insulting Jesus in Luke, and the second "Did not our Lord share his table with tax collectors and harlots? So do not distinguish between worthy and unworthy. All must be equal for you to love and serve." A quote from Isaac of Ninevah.
So when she suggested setting up the food bank around this altar to put praxis to belief she was met with reactions such as "When Hell freezes over" and "Over my dead body." Obviously there was polarization over the food pantry. So she asked for written objections so she could formulate responses and discuss them at a meeting. The objections were amazing, ranging from why the lazy people didn't haul their butts down to another pantry already in place, to we can't keep the church picked up and the kitchen clean as it is...and now you're talking about food, garbage, boxes everywhere. Not to mention a hundred people leaving their trash all over! One man finally stood up and yelled "What the fuck would Jesus do?" I feel his frustration.

It amazes me that people feel this way. That there is so much resistence. But I know it would happen here too. The old refrain Not in my backyard. There would be objections to the traffic, the rif-raff, the criminal element, the inconvenience to the comfortable people in the neighborhood. To say nothing of the time commitment and burn-out rate. I may feel deeply that this is a needed service, I would love to participate in such a program. But I am not strong enough to fight these people. I am not brave enough to fight city hall.

All she wanted to do was put food in the cupboard for really poor black mothers who used drugs, buy groceries for everyone living in the projects, and give away food without conditions. Not at a charity kitchen or soup pantry, but in a food pantry that didn't take away people's dignity and reinforce dependency. She wanted to provide groceries enabling families to prepare food in their own homes, keeping families together and giving them a dignified and normal life as they worked to escape poverty.

I wonder why a place like my former church (not Via Christus....) didn't ever do something like this? Even in the suburbs of Chicago there is great need. Now more than ever. And it's no longer just among those in poverty. People are losing jobs at a horrific rate. But for some reason I just can't see them opening their doors and their hearts to do this! They (and many other churches to be fair) would rather buy new carpet, or improve their media capabilities, or raise money to send to the "poor children in Africa" (sending money is a quick and easy way to feel absolved of guilt...) than serve these people that God loves here. I'm sure to suggest such a thing would bring the same kind of responses mentioned above.

But how does one go about starting a service like this without a church to help? By the time you rent a space, buy your food (even if greatly subsidized and augmented by donations) and incur other expenses, it is just not feasible to give food away. And just doing it out of your garage would bring the zoning police down on your heads.

Are there other answers? I don't know. How I would love to have a large piece of land where I could share space,time and labor and create a communal garden, a place to grow healthy food together and share with those in need.....

Ain't no Reason

This was put up on YouTube by a guy that runs a homeless shelter in Lubbock. Thanks to Jen's dad for sharing it with me!

Can We Talk?

I was reading Jon's blog today and in the reading it jogged a memory of something that happened a couple years ago. I was going through a particularly rough time and during that time had quite a few "fights" with God. Basically temper tantrums if I am honest.

About what?

Glad you asked, sorta! I can't believe I'm gonna even say this, but if it can help just one person - it's ok. I'm sure most of you are familiar with the story of the prodigal son. Hmmm... but just what is it you remember about this story? You remember that the father forgave the son who blew it, came back, repented, he even threw a big party! Right? End of story. At least that's usually as far as the sermon or Sunday School lesson went. But did you ever consider how the brother of the prodigal son felt, the one that just got a mention in the passage?

A couple years ago I was feeling incredibly sorry for myself. Pouting. Sulking. Whatever. Life just didn't seem fair. I had friends who always talked about all the cool things they did growing up. And all the not so cool, but in all honesty, fun learning experiences. The partying, the drinking, all the things you try, and revel in and move on from as you mature. But you still had the experience, enjoyed it, learned from it. And had great stories to tell.

Unless you were raised in a Christian home - and were not the rebellious sort. Overtly rebellious anyway. No, no, I followed the rules, stayed on the correct side of the line, went to youth group, did all the expected Christian things, went to Bible college, and was proud of it. I was God's good girl. I got acceptance and praise. I was doing something right, unlike those sinful friends....

And expecting to be rewarded for my sacrifice! I'm better than you and God loves me more..... well, at least that's the attitude I had.

Until years later when I started hearing (and really listening to) the stories. The fun. The experiences. The rites of passage. From the kids who did whatever they wanted and had a blast. And then repented and God loved them just as much as he did me. And forgave them, and welcomed them to His family. Unconditionally. What? What the heck was I doing denying myself all this stuff for then anyway? It's not fair. There must be some kind of special reward for purity and following the rules! How dare these people even think they are accepted and loved just like me? And so a few fights with God ensued. IT'S NOT FAIR! I was basically stomping my feet and acting like a child with a sense of entitlement. And stunted growth.....

In the middle of this a good friend gave me a book. It was Christmas time, and it was a gift. He had no reason for picking that certain book, it was just a good book, and one that he thought I would enjoy. (Trust me, I asked him later) The book was Return of the Prodigal Son by Henry Nouwen. I settled in to read, and suddenly I stopped. Shocked. This book was about me! Was my friend inside my head? WHY did he give me this book? I never in my life really saw the words in Luke 15: 25-31 about the brother. This wasn't his story, right? And now the brother's story was hitting me over the head. I was the selfish, ungrateful, entitled brother who was angry that the father had thrown the lavish party and accepted the prodigal back with open arms! He had had his cake and eaten it too! He had sinned, sown wild oats, spent tons of money - and then when it all came crashing down came crawling back to daddy. Who threw a party for him! Instead of telling him he had gotten what he deserved. And he hoped he had learned a lesson. And yes, he could live there again, but he'd better shape up and get his act together - he'd better take lessons from his brother!! No! He threw a party!

No judgment. No punishment. No recrimination. No conditions. And the brother sat on the side lines and sulked. Why did I deny myself this life of fun if it made no difference to our father?

See where I'm going here? God is God. He can choose to forgive anyone and restore them and reconcile them to himself for no other reason than that he wants to. It's who He is! And it IS fair. It's His call! I can sit and whine all I want - like Jonah did with regards to Ninevah. Who threw such a temper tantrum that God had to use a fish and a fast growing and equally fast dying shady plant to teach him the important lesson that EVERYONE is important to God. And loved. And forgiven. And no less accepted than anyone else no matter what they have done! And that God can do whatever HE wants. Ninevah didn't deserve God's salvation? The prodigal son didn't deserve unconditional love and welcome?

Oooooh - how convicting. How stupid and selfish I was being......

Tho it hurt, I was so grateful for the gift of the book. And the lessons I learned. Some days it isn't any easier and I have to remind myself I'm acting like a pharisee. Or a spoiled child.

God is God. And can do whatever he pleases. Really.

who moved my ebenezer?

What do you do if your ebenezer is a person? Yes, I know that you aren't supposed to trust in men. (tho I guess you really don't trust in an ebenezer anyway, rather use it as a visual symbol.) But this was different. This was a baby. A baby who symbolized many things: hope, the power of prayer, that God was still alive and working - not just in general, but in my world. It was my sign. GOD IS REAL. And every time I looked at her I remembered. Until she was no longer in front of me. Along with the struggle of losing community and losing friends I lost my ebenezer.

What is an ebenezer? Actually in Hebrew, the word ebenezer is two words - one meaning "help" and one meaning "stone". So the literal meaning of ebenezer is "Stone of Help". Samuel built an ebenezer on the occasion when the Israelites finally were victorious over the Philistines. Despite previous losses or failures in this same endeavor, they kept on and ultimately defeated the enemy.

Dr. Gregory S. Neal, Senior Pastor of St. Stephen United Methodist Church in Mesquite, Texas has this to say: " Literally speaking, an Ebenezer is a "stone of help," or a reminder of God’s Real, Holy Presence and Divine aid. Spiritually and theologically speaking, an Ebenezer can be nearly anything that reminds us of God’s presence and help: the Bible, the Sacramental Elements, a cross, a picture, a fellow believer, a hymn – those things which serve as reminders of God’s love, God’s Real Presence, and God’s assistance are "Ebenezers."

During a very rough time in my life, one of great doubting and great questioning, a tiny baby became my symbol of God's faithfulness. No matter how bad things got after that I could look at her face and see God and his presence. She became my reminder that He got me through it before, he will again. But she's no longer in a place where I can go to embrace my ebenezer, to touch the stones, to feel like I'm standing in the presence of God.

I have lost my ability to see the sun through the clouds, the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel kinda hopeless, and don't know how to recover. Before, when it got rough all I had to do was hold her, even just see her and I was reminded of the faithfulness of a loving God. He is there. He is at work, He answers pray. He cares.

And right now it seems like too much work to get to the place where I have a reason to build a new ebenezer.....

Come to the church in the wildwood.....

Dang it, I woke up with "Jesus is my friend" bubbling away in my brain. Ack. I suppose I deserved it.....

It's raining outside, and I'm at work sitting by the window watching the drips. The cool air actually feels good.

Ooooo! I have a cricket in my room. I do not like crickets. They jump. On me. They may be considered lucky, and people may keep them in brass boxes, but, yuck.

It's a melancholy day - I miss my friends. I miss Haiti. I miss Via Christus.

Speaking of which, we still haven't found a church. Wait, back up. We still haven't started looking for a church. You would think with a plethora of churches in this area we could find something. It just stresses me out to have to begin again. Boo.

I know what I don't want. It's harder to pinpoint what I do want. But let me try. This just might be a good exercise for this rainy afternoon.

I know I don't want to be part of an audience, being talked at. Or part of an audience being entertained. I much prefer discussion, or at least an opportunity to ask questions....

I prefer things more informal. I like a circle. At least a semi-circle. Much friendlier and conducive to discussion and feeling included. And it kinda puts us all on the same level, not separating the learned from the unenlightened.

I like small. House churches are great. And not so easy to find... I would settle for a small, simple congregation. I like chairs. They can be configured anyway you need them. Unless you have couches. Those are even better. ;)

I like experimenting with different types of worship - not just music. I like liturgy - not because I have to, but because it is enriching and fulfilling.

I like to participate - in readings, different kinds of worship, art - I'm spoiled. I'll admit it. Even if I choose not to participate, I at least want the choice.

I want to be part of a thinking and questioning group. Not just a face in a crowd where the same old thing is preached in whatever way is "in" right now. I want to dig deeper, to understand culture, to see underlying messages.

I want a leader who is not afraid to say I don't know. And one who doesn't think that just because they went to seminary 15 years ago they know it all. World without end. Amen.

Life is fluid. Learning is fluid. Christianity is fluid. New understandings become apparent as the spirit works. New revelations come to life when we are not afraid to rethink our positions. Why do we have to believe that the only allowed interpretations of the Bible ended with the King James version and (cough) Scofield's further interpretation thereof? (Remember the "curse of Ham" theory???) Or if we are more enlightened we just might accept the NKJ....

I want a church that cares about poverty, justice, and compassion. Not black and white, who's in, who's out, judgment and legalism. I've seen legalism get better over the years, but it's just an updated version with different rules.

I want a church where people are more concerned about how you are than what you wear; who live with compassion instead of judgment; who realize life is messy, and everyone has problems rather than one that always wants to uphold that look of perfection.

I want a church where there is no racism, class-ism, sexism or ageism. Or any other kind of ism for that matter.

I want a church where you don't have to be a Republican to be a Christian......where one can think and vote for the candidate that best matches up with their views. Democrat, Republican, Green, Independent - or any other party.

I want a church that cares more about people than the size of the congregation. That would rather invest in people than in fancy buildings and cutting edge technology. That is relational instead of attractional. Jesus was pretty blunt that it is not easy to follow him, he didn't try to attract people with tricks and programs. Even the miracles he did were relational.

I want a church that recognizes diversity. We aren't all the same. So why should a church force us to pretend to be? I value differences and good conversations - I just might learn something. We can celebrate the differences. All we need to agree on are the basic tenets of faith; to be unified on the essentials. (eg. the Apostle's Creed.)

I want a church that believes in Loving God and Loving others. Everything else will follow. One that realizes we have been blessed by God to be a blessing to others. One that is grace filled and community oriented.

I want a community.

I want a church.......

Who are you??

It’s interesting to catch up with people from your past and see where life has taken them. Which ones have predictably stayed the same, and which have changed or grown in amazing ways. Who settled for status quo, what they’ve always been taught, main stream republican lifestyle? And who ask questions, swam upstream and realized republicans aren’t the only party Christians can belong too? (I’m neither Republican or Democrat, just for the record.)

Thinking isn’t always easy. Change isn’t always easy. Too many of us want to be comfortable and seek approval from others. We are afraid of being judged, or thought heretical. We want to sit in church on Sunday and be passive, yet feel good about ourselves because we did what we were supposed to do.

And there we stagnate. Wither and die. And life rolls on around us. Personally, I’d rather think, read, engage with culture, expand my horizons, realize there is more than one way to see things…..

I also find it interesting that many have come to this conclusion, they just aren’t talking to their “old” friends about it, like it’s some big secret, or they’re afraid of the reaction. Whatever. I’m tired of games and masks. What you see is what you get.

I still want to connect with old friends. I love to hear their stories and why they are where they are. How they got there, if it was hard…. and where they have settled. If they are convinced they have the answer, or if they are still seeking, growing, learning, moving. If they are hiding, or if they are themselves, others be damned.

Status quo people seem to have their lives together, have more money, have success. And are afraid to ruffle the waters cuz they might lose it all. If they even think that much. Life is stable, life is comparatively easy, it’s predictable, it’s safe.

The rest of us wander, never feel secure, take chance after chance, refuse to agree just because we are told it’s so. And are judged.

I’d love to sit with a settled friend - especially one from high school or college days and talk with them. See why they are where they are, what they think about things, why they have settled. But in the evangelical world it’s not easy. It’s always black or white, in or out, right or wrong. Which kinda keeps dialogue from happening. To say nothing of acceptance and understanding.

I don’t have the answers, but I sure have the questions.

Wanna talk??

Consider the lilies of the field

Sometimes I wish I didn’t own stuff. Life would be so much simpler if we didn’t have to worry about houses or cars being damaged or destroyed by storms or crashes. It would be less stressful if we didn’t have to worry about “stuff” getting ruined or stolen; if we could just live simply.
*sigh*

The more stuff we have the more there is to protect and worry about. And clean. And move. And store……
No matter how beautiful the storm, how exciting the trip, how wonderful the music on the I-Pod sounds, or how great we feel in a new pair of shoes….there is always that nagging worry in the far recesses of our mind that it can all be gone, ruined, stolen - and how will we ever be able to afford to replace it??? Yet we still buy and possess and insure, and are still never satisfied.
Jen ~ there really is something to be said about living simply. :)

My heart will choose to say.......

Blessed Be Your Name
by Matt Redman

 Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful 
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

 Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

 Every blessing You pour out 
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

 Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

 Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

 Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering 
Though there's pain in the offering 
Blessed be Your name

 Every blessing You pour out 
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

 Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

 You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

What's a girl to do??

So, the question has become what are we gonna do AVC? (After Via Christus) And quite honestly I have to say I don't know. I just don't have a clue. I've been trying to stay in the moment and take advantage of and enjoy every moment we have left. It would be easy to say "I can't" when presented with current VC opportunities - because after all what will it matter in two months? That's not the way to look at it. And I struggle. I am frustrated that such a good thing has to have a conclusion. And yet, so excited for where God is leading people. Life is fluid. That's all there is to it. And we have to deal with that fluctuation, and with change. So, again, I don't know what is in store. Mike said it well on his blog yesterday....

" I was reminded that after being immersed in a highly participatory house church community for so long, it would be really hard (if not impossible) for me to go back and be content in that non-interactive "sermon and a sing-along" format anymore, not even if I was the one up front getting to do the sermon."

I know, I hear you all saying if you can't find one, start one. But I certainly don't feel equipped to do so no matter how much I'd like to be. And I certainly don't have the enthusiasm of someone twenty years younger. Or the ideas, connections, knowledge and energy it would take.

I do think about it though, what it would take, how it would look, and who we could get to come on board. But I'm afraid each of the people I would like to incorporate, and whom I think could and would contribute and benefit from this kind of group has multiple reasons why it wouldn't work. Including teenage kids that "need" a youth group.

No easy answers, just more questions. I suppose if you don't dream you'll never get there, but I can all too easily see that dream turning into a nightmare....

Tiptoe Through The Tulips

Spring has finally sprung, and the Tulips are in bloom. Somehow, in thinking about these flowers that herald spring and bring us hope, I made a huge leap to TULIP. Yes, as in theology...don't even ask what prompted it....
I remember in college being totally frustrated in my theology class. Predestination, Unconditional Election, these did NOT make sense. Neither did Limited Atonement. And where did any of this leave Free Will? Of course, we were taught five point Calvinism at our school - but it just didn't sit right with me, and I struggled. I passed the class - I could parrot what they wanted to hear, but even then I questioned what I was being taught.
That's probably why I struggled long and hard for years in the church I was in. Why I didn't fit. I just didn't think like they did, yet I was raised there....so what was the problem? When I was able to pin it down to some of these issues I could see I was a square peg in a round hole. I fit if I was forced in, because yes, of course you can fit a square peg in a round hole... but it was not a comfortable situation.
I believe pretty strongly in free will. And I believe pretty strongly that "Whosoever will" means just that - God has chosen all of humanity to be his elect, that he chooses to make us all righteous. And I believe that God's grace is resistible - we can refuse it. Why would God force us to love him, to choose him? What kind of relationship would that be?
Think about your relationships - if you force someone to love you, or be your friend - what happens? Resentment, pushing back, lack of trust and a suspect friendship.
So, really four of the petals have pretty much fallen away, leaving one standing - Assurance and Security. I'm still debating this, turning it over and over in my mind. Once you have the gift of God's salvation can you lose it? Calvinists say no, Arminians say yes - you can defiantly reject God. To me, I think once you have that salvation it can't be lost, and this begs the question of just what salvation is, and if you were truly "saved" in the first place. And of course this throws back in the whole concept of works. No, works can't save you, but without works, faith is dead! If there isn't a heart change, a desire to follow Christ and his way, was there ever salvation at all?

Wow - deep thoughts for this beautiful spring day when the tulips are in bloom.

...and so fulfill the law of Christ

OK - so no surprise. I struggle with internalizing other people's problems and hurts. Even if I don't know them. I have a friend who tells me I need to stop. I need to set boundaries, because it effects me so much. I have a problem with that. I remember struggling with this about a year ago as I walked a labyrinth at a church retreat. On the surface it sounds good, and logical. I know a lot of churches spend a lot of time going through the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I understand why. I do. But that doesn't make sense to me in light of verses like Galatians 6:2. Or in light of Christ's example. He didn't set those boundaries and refuse to listen, refuse to meet people where they are, refuse to help. And, I don't think this just applies to friends and their problems. It applies to people in poverty, people at the receiving end of injustice, people who are ill - physically or mentally. This verse is the practical working out of the command to love your neighbor. So how can I possibly just sit back and let people struggle, even if it's just emotionally, or intellectually? No matter what their burden I have been told to help bear the burden. And in this way fulfill the law of Christ. So we need to go beyond asking who our neighbor is as the lawyer did in Luke 10 (the parable of the Good Samaritan), and say "what can I do to help?" God has entered into our messy lives, our problems, sins, and needs. He didn't hide behind a boundary. We, as followers of Christ, must be incarnational too - and I'm not sure how boundaries figure into this command.

I for one am glad that Jesus didn't set boundaries.....

Galatians 6:2

Bear ye one another's burdens,
and so fulfill the law of Christ. (KJV)

Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (NIV)

Reading Scot McKnight's blog this morning I came across a band called Beckon.Q. Apparently this is a missional band in the Chicago area. I have not heard them, or of them, but I like their lyrics. The following lyrics really resonated with me. They are me.... LOL. So, I thought before I left with the school children for the Kane County Cougars game today I would share them with you.

Quote of the Day

"It's a sad state of affairs when we live in fear
at the hands of other believers."

Virgil V.

Think about it......
A lot of us "get" that. We have felt it. We have been, or are, there.
When our motives, our salvation and our beliefs are constantly questioned and judged, and when our jobs often depend on saying and believing the "right thing"... well then, yes it is a very sad state of affairs.
When we are afraid to question, think, look at something with different eyes...
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we lose friends, lose community, lose hope,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we can't see beyond denominations and labels,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we try to follow Christ, try to live his commands, care about the poor, the sick, the marginalized as much as we do the "sinner" and we are accused of being liberal, or unbiblical,
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we are wrong, because we don't happen to agree with you...
that is a sad state of affairs.
When we are afraid to acknowledge that we may be wrong in our thinking concerning the Bible, the Good News, God, the kingdom, and who is and who is not "right", or who is and who is not a "christian"
that is a sad state of affairs.

We need to open up the paths of communication instead of rushing to judgement.
We need to mirror God's mercy and grace.
We need to love. Period.
And in this way, as iron sharpens iron, we can learn, and grow. We can understand. We can find the good and the truth, and know it is God's no matter where it may be found.

You are my brother. You are my sister. We should not have to live in fear of our family!

Anyway, thanks for the quote Virgil.... we all need to let it roll around in our heads for awhile and seriously think about the ramifications......both for us individually and for the kingdom.

Grace defined....

A few years ago as a part of a small group we were asked to answer the question "what is grace?" Without using the usual "unmerited favor" type answers. It was difficult. This was the best I could do. For some reason I am thinking about grace today.

Grace is God taking joy in us. It is his unconditional acceptance of us where we are. Grace flows and fills the cracks of the wounded soul. It is constant in that God gives it, and the end result is the same, yet it approaches us all and fills us in its own unique way - meeting individual needs. Grace is daddy - picking up the baby who falls as he is learning to walk and in pride and love with gentleness encourages him to try yet again. Grace is safety that embraces our insecurities.

Grace is quite simply God.

How would you define it?

What Is A SUCCESSFUL Church?

I came across a great post this morning as I was reading blogs. It is from Kathy Escobar at The Carnival in my Head. It is entitled The New Ways are Harder.
Here is a quote from her post:

"i sometimes miss the old ways. you see, the new ways are way harder. there are so many subtle ways that the road we’re on is so much trickier to pull off. i keep waiting for smoother sailing, greener pastures, someone to swoop in and say “we believe in you, we want to do this with you, what do you need?” and i’m starting to realize, it may not come. plus, i’m pretty sure the life of following Christ was never about ease, comfort, success, numbers, budgets, earthly relief. i’ll say, though, part of my human condition always seems to be longing for it. one thing i have observed is that many “new” churches are really still relying on old ways and that’s why they probably will get a lot further than we will! i look sometimes at them and think “what are we doing wrong?” and then i realize we really are talking apples & oranges. church as compared to this thing we’re doing that’s better described as a faith-community-missional-agency-Christ-likeness-

relational-training-ground."

In the post she puts words to many things that I have been thinking. And she is so right. The old ways were much easier. (I especially like her comparison of the old ways and the new ways.) Being who we are supposed to be and doing what we are supposed to do, and not worrying about whether we are "successful" or not IS hard.
It's sad that church plants, gatherings, house churches etc. are only successful if they are large, growing, self sustaining (monetarily) entities.
Unfortunately, these little communities often don't make it because of this very thing. They can't support themselves. At least in the "old way". And it's hard to imagine a new way that can make this work. We are all such products of the churches we came out of that we often can't shift into a new way of being/doing church. The very definition of church has to change IMHO to make this new model work.
I have been reading Neil Cole's book Organic Church. He also addresses these issues. He contends that the DNA of the church must change. Our communities must become relational, and he suggests SMALL. I'm not sure I would go quite as small as he suggests, (two or three, which he sites as the Biblical model) but I get the idea he is trying to convey.
Small churches have stronger community, stronger accountability, necessary confidentiality, more flexibility, better communication, stronger direction and more effective leadership.
Small is good. Small is hard. Small is more intimate, more incarnational, more authentic and honest by nature. It's hard to hide in a small group. Small means seeing the problems, the messes, the sins of individuals and working with them. Everyone on the same journey, albeit at different points, working together to advance the Kingdom. In this setting self is often sacrificed for the group and for the sake of Christ. Struggles, honesty, messiness; it all makes us stronger if we are willing to to forgo easy and enter in to this kind of "church".
I hate that money dictates success. If we can't pay for programs we aren't successful. If we can't support a pastor on our own, we aren't successful. If we aren't growing, we aren't successful.
I don't believe it. Not for a minute.
It's the tight knit, incarnational, compassionate, missional small group that to me says success.
We are desperately in need of a new way of thinking. A new definition of a successful church.
But that's just my opinion.

Just what is Tithing anyway?

So now I have a new debate whirling in my brain. Tithing. what it is, what is isn't, what it really means, is it mandatory, do we have it wrong, does our way of doing church dictate tithing, do small communities have a better, healthier view of tithing?
Is it stewardship instead of tithing? Is tithing a small part of a much larger thing? Is tithing misused by the church?
Is giving to God a much, much larger thing encompassing compassion, justice issues, helping your neighbor, your community, your friend, being able to assist monetarily when needed, buy food for people, clothes for people, have a party for people?
Wow, this is a huge issue. One I never spent a lot of time thinking about before....
But now in light of so many changes in my life and way of thinking, I am obviously bugged by this and starting to rethink the whole thing.
Where is our heart in this? Do we tithe merely to have a tax write off?
Do we tithe because we've been taught if we do, God will bless us and we will be financially secure?
Is the tithe a bludgeon to keep us in line, a measuring stick of how good of a Christian we are?
Is the tithe just used to sustain the church and pay the pastor?
Or should we be doing this in a different way?
Some say in the age of grace tithing is not necessary. I think that is a cop out. But I'm still not sure where I stand on the spectrum.
Aaargh. Just what I need. A confusing issue to wrestle with over break.
And yes, a couple years ago I would never have even had these questions, much less engage and struggle with them. LOL.
Life is never boring......

Looking for God: an unexpected journey through tattoos, tofu & pronouns

So, still feeling miserable after going home from work last night I curled up on the couch and watched a movie. (Enchanted....it was fun and brainless, what can I say?) After that I decided to read a book I'd been wanting to read, but had been to busy to begin. Last night was the perfect time.
The book, Looking for God: An Unexpected Journey Through Tattoos, Tofu & Pronouns by Nancy Ortberg was a perfect book to read. It moved fast, was easy to understand and articulated much of what I have been thinking for the past couple years. I found myself wanting to highlight vast portions - but it wasn't my book - I borrowed it from Julie. I am gonna buy my own copy though, because I liked it and would find it easy and comfortable to pass along to my friends. Ortberg's reflections are personal, insightful and thought provoking with out being judgmental and harsh. She, in fact is on the journey with us all, and is very open about her faults and mis-steps. Interesting chapters include: The Problem With Quiet Time (finally!), Could We Please Stop Talking Like This? (Amen!), Shoes (wow!) and my favorite considering where I've found myself over the past couple years: Longings, Aches, and Pains.
Here are some excerpts:

"I am applauded when I speak in terms of blessings and power. But people nervously shift and move to change the subject when I mention that things are sometimes difficult and that something might be wrong with me."

"..God is so often the most real to me when I go to those difficult places. Yet I want to avoid them, and quiet them, and pretend they are not real."

"But for most of my life, I have met God most deeply in the middle of the hard stuff. I didn't know much, but I knew that. So instead of burying it, I chose to face it and pay attention to it. I chose to wrestle with it and try to listen. And I chose to live with it and all the tension and sadness it produced."

"Two of the most powerful things that God offers us are His grace and His forgiveness. Yet when we insist on ignoring the difficult parts of life, we are effectively saying that we don't need those two things. So the power of God is lost in our lives. And we wonder why following Him has become predictable and dull."

"...your mistakes are not stronger than God's love for you. That realization builds a strong central core in your soul that is unshakable. If we face them, our longings, aches, and pains take us to an alone place. Perhaps that is why we avoid them. But if we refuse to avoid them, we find what is true about the alone place. That it isn't alone."

"We all have black holes in our souls that keep anything from filling us up for too long. They keep us in a constant state of neediness, always seeking reinforcement through pleasure and comfort and busyness. But if we allow ourselves to experience the longing, refusing easy answers for the aches and pains, we'll slowly build solid bedrock of God in our souls. Those alone places create a foundation that closes up the black hole for good."

"She encouraged him to face the issue, not ignore, avoid, or drown it out. She talked about being willing to wrestle with God, and to take the pain head-on rather than trying to numb it through destructive behaviors. To listen, to search, to struggle, and to wait."

"Henri Nouwen wrote that we have nothing to offer others if we don't know that we are loved by God. Of all the places we go to get love, our longings, aches, and pains are the most powerful and convincing. If we have the courage to go there and to live there in healthy ways, we will surely find that healing awaits us."

So, when I finished this wonderful book of essays, all I could say was - How did Nancy get inside my head???

I will leave you with this final thought from another chapter which pretty much sums up how I look at things these days....

"I am better equipped to live out a faith that is real when I have wrestled and read and thought and prayed about what I really believe. Who is God? How is He different than what I have thought? What is His true nature?"

I appreciate and highly recommend this book - find a copy and read it - you won't be sorry!

Friday morning thoughts.....

I remember being taught in college that prejudice is usually a result of lack of communication and therefore understanding. Of course they were talking broadly, but the concept does hold true even on a much smaller levels.

Did you ever meet someone you really didn't like? And I don't mean just first impressions. A lot of us don't come across well if you judge on first impressions alone.

I mean someone you have contact with over and over and you just don't like. They irritate you. I can think of two very specific examples. And one of those people ended up being a really good friend, and the other a good co-worker.

Why? Because we had a conversation. One that went beyond the masks and the pretense. One that helped me know them, what made them tick. And once they allowed me to see them, see their heart, see their baggage, what made them the way they were, the whole picture shifted. They no longer seemed petty, or mean, or derogatory. When those things still surfaced (and believe me, they did/do...) I understood where they came from and worked with them.

Now, I must admit, the reverse is also true - I have had friends who I totally gelled with. Totally got, totally resonated with. Only to find out that was a mask too. That was not the real them. And when I got to see the real person behind the mask I realized that was not the person I wanted to spend time with. Or be so transparently open with anymore. Which is sad. Had those people been who they really were to start with I probably would still have a relationship with them today because I would have known and accepted and understood the real them. Those masks that we think help us only hinder. I don't know where I'm going with this - it was just some thoughts that hit me as I was starting up all the computers in the computer lab this morning. Before we are so quick to judge we need to make an effort to get to know a person. We might just be surprised at what we find!

Grace (Eventually)

What did I do last night? I was privileged to go hear Anne Lamott! The evening included receiving a copy of her last book which she signed after the reading/question and answer session. Altho, since I already own that in hard cover it woulda been nice to get a copy of Traveling Mercies and get it signed instead. I had that too, but Carissa lost that one at school. I love Anne's books - fiction and non fiction alike. Anyway, for more on the evening go to Julie's blog! (yes, I am lazy - and Julie says it so well.... )

And, yes, Kevin, I know you are quite jealous. Just like I was quite jealous when you went to see/hear Derek Webb..... ;)

Can you hear me now??

So, this is another one of those thoughts that I'm working on - it is still in process, but this is where I am in my thinking this morning...

Yesterday, as I was trying to pray - with no success, a new take on an old theme occurred to me.
Why does it seem like God does not hear our prayers? We were always taught that you had to be "right with God" for your prayers to be heard. That sin in your life kept God from hearing you - unless of course the prayer was a prayer of repentance. If that is so than there are an awful lot of prayers not being heard. Would God deliberately ignore our prayers? Sometimes it feels like it - those times it seems like the prayers bounce off the ceiling and go no further. So - if it IS sin that stops the prayer, is it God punishing us? I don't think so.
What occurred to me today is the fact that I can't pray with this obvious "sin" in my life. It has nothing to do with any of the other requests, praises, etc., but it's there in the back of my mind when I am trying to pray about other things. It is something I should be praying for, asking for, wanting, and yet I don't, and until I get that fixed, how dare I think I have the kind of deep open relationship with God that allows fellowship and communication? Yes, he's still hearing me. And probably answering me. But I can't hear it, I can't see it, and I'm hiding instead of truly connecting with God. Because I know what he wants me to do and I'm not doing it. My guilt, shame and avoidance are the hindrance. It is not God's judgement.
When Adam and Eve sinned they knew they had done wrong. They were embarrassed, and they hid from God. And yet, he went looking for them. They didn't want to talk to him, but he still wanted to have a relationship with them.
He is still waiting, still listening; He is still there.
My prayers are not heard, because I am not able to pray.
He is not ignoring me - I am not comfortable being in His presence.
And so, I hide.