"You don't know what you've got till it's gone..."

As I was going about getting the stuff done I needed to do this weekend, I realized something. One of my major sources of frustration. I feel like a oddity by trying to be green - or at least greener. That doesn't make me weird! I started thinking about the ways I feel different....especially in the affluent area I live in. A lot of these things in and of themselves aren't even rare - or odd. A lot are even kind of trendy right now. But taken together? Once upon a time I had a group of friends that got this. Life has a way of mixing things up though, and after most of the group moved out of the area I started to feel like a fish out of water.

Yes, I eat sushi. And hummus. And greens. And black beans and rice. So? I listen to folk music, I like chants and Celtic music too. I try to watch the gas I use and carpool when I can. I like to read non-fiction, theology, things that make me think. I try to be as earth friendly as I can in my yard and in my garden. I’m thinking about joining an organic, local food co-op. I try to use green products when I clean my house. I have a front loader washing machine. I don’t run the AC unless it’s over 90 degrees. I keep the thermostat set at 68 during the day in the winter and 58 at night. I use compact fluorescent light bulbs. I buy used books if I can. I have a library card. I recycle. I try to be frugal and healthy in what my family eats – and as conscious of food ethics as I know to be, and as budget will allow. I think if I had kids today I would breast feed and use cloth diapers…. I like Whole Foods and Trader Joes. And small coffee shops and mom and pop stores. I like farmer's markets. I wear things until they wear out. I drive my car until it won’t run. I love my Birkenstocks. I love garage sales and resale shops. I like small organic gatherings, especially in the Christian community. I think we should be the church instead of going to church.

Unfortunately – I don’t have these things in common with many of my friends. I feel like a oddball in a world of excess…. Sadly, even in the Christian community these things are odd and prompt funny looks. At least in the area where I live. I'm tired of the rat race of materialism - just to say we have the latest, greatest, and best. Even at church. I'm tired of being looked at askance because I'm not keeping up with the Joneses. I miss my friends that think this way too. My church that understood this. It’s hard to be different – but this stuff is really a part of me and who I am. It’s part of being responsible and caring for the earth and each other. I’m frustrated that there is no one to talk to about the things that matter to me.

I remember my trip to Haiti last summer. How the people there have nothing. Not even a roof over their heads in a lot of cases. They walk, barefoot, to get clean water. They wear remade clothing. They don't have movies, or cars, or tv or an unlimited variety of food - they often don't even have food. And yet they seem to be able to find happiness in this life.

I live in a country of great excess. I don't understand how people don't get this. How they keep living just the way they always have, oblivious to the plight of the earth and her people. When I run the water in my kitchen now I think of what water means in Haiti. We need to quit abusing our resources and learn to share the abundance that we have. Not only in a literal way, but also by gently caring for the earth and allowing her good to be shared by all as well as preserving resources for future generations.

I am not a tree hugger. I try to be fair in my views of ecology, the environment, and what we as humans truly need. Balanced. I would not sit in a tree to preserve an owl. But I would try to educate people on the plight of the owls.... I will continue to learn about where my clothing comes from, where my chocolate, and coffee come from, and at what price. And I will tell others.

Just stop looking at me like I have two heads.

I miss my friends......

Pondering exclusion...deliberate or otherwise

I was reading in a book tonight about a girl out having fun with her hubby and a couple other friends. As they were talking it was casually mentioned that several other girls with whom she socialized were having an evening out. Immediately she felt hurt. Now, it wasn't that she even wanted to be with them. She didn't even like most of them. She was truly happier and having more fun where she was. So, why did it bother her?

We have all been there. Acquaintances do something fun, invite one or more of your friends, the people you hang with, but not you. You don't get along with, or even really like the person organizing the event. You are much happier at home with a book. Until you know you weren't invited. Suddenly you care! You don't care that they don't like you, and you don't like them, but you care that they had the audacity not to invite you. You get a bit indignant in addition to feeling hurt. You want to know why they excluded you, when in reality it wasn't deliberate exclusion - it's just that the thought probably never crossed their mind to invite you. You still want to be invited. Why? So others won't think you weren't worthy of an invite? So you can be frustrated and annoyed all evening? Are you jealous that your friends like this person and socialize with them? Or that this person likes your friends and not you? Is it that it's a very obvious rebuff? (even if chances are it isn't.....) Is it that you want to be the one to have the option of opting out? Of declining the invitation? Of turning THEM down? Is it really about power and control??

WHO CARES! You don't like them anyway. Get over it. You know you do not enjoy hanging with this person and dealing with their quirks and control issues. They drive you crazy.

I just don't get it. Why do we do this, feel this, get hurt by this? The human psyche is a funny thing. I don't have any answers. This isn't even occurring in my life right now. It's just that in reading this account the book triggered the feelings and the resentment inherent to the situation.

Huh.

OK - that's what I'm pondering tonight.....

Who are you??

It’s interesting to catch up with people from your past and see where life has taken them. Which ones have predictably stayed the same, and which have changed or grown in amazing ways. Who settled for status quo, what they’ve always been taught, main stream republican lifestyle? And who ask questions, swam upstream and realized republicans aren’t the only party Christians can belong too? (I’m neither Republican or Democrat, just for the record.)

Thinking isn’t always easy. Change isn’t always easy. Too many of us want to be comfortable and seek approval from others. We are afraid of being judged, or thought heretical. We want to sit in church on Sunday and be passive, yet feel good about ourselves because we did what we were supposed to do.

And there we stagnate. Wither and die. And life rolls on around us. Personally, I’d rather think, read, engage with culture, expand my horizons, realize there is more than one way to see things…..

I also find it interesting that many have come to this conclusion, they just aren’t talking to their “old” friends about it, like it’s some big secret, or they’re afraid of the reaction. Whatever. I’m tired of games and masks. What you see is what you get.

I still want to connect with old friends. I love to hear their stories and why they are where they are. How they got there, if it was hard…. and where they have settled. If they are convinced they have the answer, or if they are still seeking, growing, learning, moving. If they are hiding, or if they are themselves, others be damned.

Status quo people seem to have their lives together, have more money, have success. And are afraid to ruffle the waters cuz they might lose it all. If they even think that much. Life is stable, life is comparatively easy, it’s predictable, it’s safe.

The rest of us wander, never feel secure, take chance after chance, refuse to agree just because we are told it’s so. And are judged.

I’d love to sit with a settled friend - especially one from high school or college days and talk with them. See why they are where they are, what they think about things, why they have settled. But in the evangelical world it’s not easy. It’s always black or white, in or out, right or wrong. Which kinda keeps dialogue from happening. To say nothing of acceptance and understanding.

I don’t have the answers, but I sure have the questions.

Wanna talk??

Weezer gets it.....

Imma do the things that i wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if i make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm fine and dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and i'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think

So, I went to the party and wore what I wanted. My jeans. I was comfy, and happy and me! And if anybody cared they didn't say, and I was good with that. No trendy shoes, no cool skirt; nope, not me.

So, yesterday was weird. Just weird. Emotions all over the place. We spent the morning helping Mike and Julie load the truck, well except for the time I took to hold Aidan for awhile, and play with Emma. Wow, was it hard to say goodbye. Austin, you don't know how fortunate you are.

And then, when emotions started getting the best of me, we had to go - which was beyond hard - and head to a party for goodness sake. A 25th Anniversary party for our good friends Phil and Betsy. Where we had to be happy and enjoy interacting with friends - some we hadn't seen for quite some time. Well, since we left our previous church. Hence the worry about what we wore and whether we were acting properly, or even if we were still being "judged" for leaving our old church. We were genuinely happy for Phil and Betsy though.

See what I mean about roller coaster emotions? Up, down, way down, up......until I crashed at 10:00 and went to sleep.

But it's another day.... hopefully Mike and Julie are well on their way to Austin, and Phil and Betsy are on their way to another 25 years.

And I'm gonna go do what I want.

Memorial Day Weekend - the long and short of it.....

Wow - it was a busy weekend. A crazy weekend. A good weekend. A sad weekend. All rolled into one. A weekend wished for - to relax and enjoy, and a weekend dreaded because it meant the beginning of the end, and the start of the goodbyes.

Still trying to recover from my illness - (whatever it may be....I'm going back to the doctor again today.) I was excited to be able to sleep in on Saturday. Well, that was the plan. But Carissa's alarm didn't go off, and it was her first day of work for her internship. (At Oak Park Festival Theater.)

The job is about 50 minutes away and it was now 40 minutes before she was supposed to be there. So, being the mom, I jumped up, threw on a pair of dirty jeans and a t-shirt, ran a comb through my horribly dirty hair, ran a washcloth over my face, grabbed my keys and headed for the car. That way I could drive and she could get ready in the car. Plus, she didn't know exactly where she was going.

Of course there was traffic. Of course we got stopped by trains. Of course the place was hard to find. But fortunately her boss was forgiving. Way to make a great first impression. ;)

I did have presence of mind to grab a book as I ran out the door, so I was able to sit in a beautiful wild flower garden in Oak Park and think and read while she was in her meeting. After about an hour I got cold and moved to a lovely bench in the sun. Mmmmmm. After awhile the meeting was over and they went right to work. Apparently she would be working all day. I was hungry, I had to use the bathroom.....and I was in Oak Park. I couldn't just walk into a restaurant looking as awful as I did......

SOS to Kim. Please bring the other car out here and rescue me. Please. By now I was out of quarters for the meter, and also getting a bit too much sun. After about an hour he arrived, we left a car for Carissa and headed on home. And lunch. And a bathroom. :)

Where I had to catch up on the stuff I planned to do that day.......

Sunday. Normal Sunday routine. Up and out the door by 9 to drive to Yorkville. No problem. I didn't even forget the food, or the gifts for the party. April's parents were in town visiting, and it was so nice to meet them! After church we had our routine lunch out as a group - which is always fun. Then we headed back to Mike and Julie's for the baby shower/going away party. I pretty much staked out a place on the couch - since this whole breathing thing still isn't going so well. But we had a great time. We had typical party games, food, gifts - for the baby shower; and we made a scrapbook for Steve, Wendy and Liam for their going away gift.







It's hard to say goodbye to people that have become your family. Especially when they are moving so far away. They are the first to go from our little flock. And we will really miss them. I am grateful for the time we had together and all the good times we shared.



Jen called around the time the party was winding down. She was home from Michigan and her marathon. And she was hungry! So the girls and I took off for home. Of course, then no one could decide where to eat. We are pathetic. I did decide I was really hungry for a burger - no clue why. Which is problematic cuz Jen is a vegetarian. LOL. Fortunately, we have a Red Robin close by and I could get my yummy hamburger and Jen could get a boca burger version. Problem solved.

We had a good meal, and headed home. How could the evening be passing so quickly? Jen was leaving in the morning for Kansas City by way of Minneapolis. Where has all the time gone? Two goodbyes in one weekend is just not fair! How did we celebrate our last evening? By piling in my bed (yes, with the dog) and watching Forrest Gump. :)


Morning came - it always does. And it was time for even harder good byes. But we managed - after a rather humorous episode of trying to cram even more stuff in the back of her jeep wrangler, and figure out how Jake (who she had just met the night before when he crashed on our floor, and would be traveling with her -) tried to fold his 6 foot something skinny frame into the front seat of her wrangler where some days I barely fit. I miss Jen.

Kim and Carissa headed out to do some shopping. That is an understatement. They went to Carmax to find another car. One that Carissa can take back to school in the fall. Apparently Carissa has daddy wrapped around her little finger. They came home with a loaded, six year old Mini Cooper. With GPS and a sunroof.



Me, I hacked away at the ground trying to get more of it ready for planting, and I hacked away half my lungs as I did it. But by the late afternoon I did have 8 tomato plants, 8 pepper plants, and all my herbs planted. (The melons, cucumbers, and squash went in on Saturday.) All I have left to go are the beans, and Kim will have to get the ground ready for them. And let me tell you, it was hot and really, really muggy yesterday. I felt like I was breathing soup. Well....when I could breathe. I finally gave up, took a shower, and went for a spin in the Mini Cooper. It's been 22 years since I drove a stick, but it was great fun.

Now we have 5 cars to juggle in our driveway every day. Let me tell you - that takes creativity and planning.

This morning I woke up to hear Kelsey talking to someone. Before 7. She's never up before 7 if she's not going to classes. Puzzled I asked her what was up - and apparently, maybe, possibly Julie is in labor and Kelsey was headed to Yorkville to watch Emma. Hopefully all is well there. The baby would be early, but he is good sized. And Julie has been so sick she needs to deliver this child. I hope it's not a false alarm for her sake, yet part of me wants it to be for the babies sake......

So, now I'm at work, still coughing, and tired as heck. But I only have to work another hour because I'm going to the doctor (yes - again) today to see if I am any better.......

So, that was my weekend. Not written in a very polished form, just bare bones. Cuz that is where I am right now. Just the facts. Minus wittiness or humor. Or depth.

Now you know.

UPDATE: Well, Julie is still pregnant.....good for the baby, hard on Julie. And frustrating.
C'est la vie......

The Stronghold

We are back from our third, and unfortunately final, Via Christus retreat. We had a really good, but quite emotionally stressful weekend. Really, at this point I don't have anything I feel like saying. So I will share a few of the pictures I took during solitude and silence time as I wandered the grounds with God.
And a few more candids from around the castle.
Enjoy!

Happy Thanksgiving!

BOS/ORD

Sorry, for the lack of blogging lately. I have a GOOD excuse. Really. Carissa came home for a visit on Thursday and she is here until tomorrow....It was fun to have her home, and to finally get caught up on life at Gordon. She got to spend time with her boyfriend, as well as several other friends over the weekend. We took Carissa and Andy out to dinner on Friday, and she got to surprise her Via Christus friends on Sunday. Plus she did get to stop by the high school and see rehearsal for the fall play since she won't be home next weekend to see it. We managed to sneak in a little shopping - for long sleeved shirts and boots - on Saturday. So it has been fun, but busy and tiring. And I haven't been reading, or thinking any deep thoughts..... so I have nothing to write about. She's leaving tomorrow, and the house will be quiet again and back to normal - whatever that is....

Our Kentucky Trip - Day 2

For anyone who is interested, Dana has part 2 of our road trip posted over at her blog. Yeah, I'm lazy - but just think of the thousand words implied by my pictures.... ;)
(Includes Sander's Motor Court, Ale 8, Mundts Candy, and Lynn's Paradise Cafe.)

BTW - Dana didn't mention getting her first sweet tea - tho I might not have either if the only place you could find it was McDonalds. And I didn't mention that while she was getting said sweet tea I was encountering a restroom at a McDonalds that was worse than ANY gas station restroom I have EVER been in. Restrooms on this trip were, um, interesting to say the least.

Lynn's Paradise Cafe
Mundts Candy
Bianckes Restaurant, Cynthiana KY
Ale8
Sanders Court and Cafe
Colonel Sanders

We took the road(s) less traveled......

Well, I realize I haven't written about our trip. Sorry. I haven't really felt like writing lately - as you have probably noticed. Anyway. I thought I would put up a few pictures with captions. Isn't a picture worth a thousand words anyway????

In order to avoid traffic we headed out going south on Rt 47 - all the way to Champaign/Urbana. Along the way we saw some pretty scenery - who knew?? I love this picture. Invokes memories of the past - especially in the south.....



Traveling on to Indy, we stopped for a very late dinner at the Mug n Bun. Apparently it's been around forever. Yummy Pork Tenderloin, hand cut/hand battered onion rings (best I've ever had...) and homemade root beer.

We found this sign across from Lynn's Paradise Cafe where we had the yummiest cheese grits - I wish I had had two bowls!

Ohio River

back roads......

I just liked this bridge.....

Dana at the Colonel Sanders museum in Corbin, KY.

farms along the way

Crab Orchard, KY - we ate at the best little cafe here. But I liked this picture better than the picture of the cafe..... :)

No bull....

Penn's General Store in Gravel Switch, KY

Penn's Privy. Apparently it was a big deal a couple years ago when it was "installed!"

Tobacco drying in Gravel Switch, KY. We saw this all over central KY, an area devastated by the collapse of tobacco subsidies and strict anti smoking policies.

Makers Mark Distillery in Loretto, KY

Abbey of Gethsemani, where Thomas Merton lived while in the United States. The abbey is a Trappist/Cistercians monastery.

This was the cool sign at one of three remaining Wigwam Villages in the US. We stayed here (Cave City, KY) in Wigwam # 7.

The View outside Wigwam # 7

Three pictures of a really cool, abandoned - but fortunately still standing - "Modern Motor Court" I love this side of history. I can only imagine what it must have been like - and who might have stayed there..... It was interesting that each cottage had a car port!

I don't get it either.......

Martini anyone??

A "Big John" (as opposed to a Muffler Man") in Carmi, IL. I hear there are still a few of these around this area of Illinois.

Dana - standing in for James.....

Sun's going down, trips winding down. I'm tired. Heading home.
If you want to READ about the trip and see a few other photos - check out Dana's blog!