Tuesday, October 16, 2007
"It is not down in any map; true places never are." -Herman Melville
I'm so good about giving other people advice, but I don't do so well when it comes to taking it myself. It's always easier to tell someone else how to live. Not to worry; to hang in there; to wait.
But when it hits home it's infinitely harder. Somehow I need to bring what I say into line with what I believe. You'd think if I say it often enough I'd start to believe it - but apparently that is not the case.
I'm finding trust sorely lacking right now - in all aspects of life and relationships. That affects my ability to move forward, keeping on with the things I know I should be doing. I feel like I am blind, feeling my way, no longer sure of myself or of others to help me get where I need to go. The journey has become all hills and blind curves. What obstacle is next? Will it cause me to plunge over the side? The guardrail of friendship seems to be just a suggestion of safety - will it hold if I crash up against it?
And, I seem to have lost track of my long-term goals - where am I headed? Am I going the right way? Was there an easier way, and I foolishly chose the scenic route?
It's exhausting, trying to find my way, hanging on tight to things I perceive as safe.
If only I could just stop at a gas station and buy a map, like I did in Kentucky when we were questioning if we were headed the right direction.....
I wish I knew how to tell when the things I encounter are simply roadside distractions better driven by, or if I am to take a detour and explore something, try something, learn something. To say nothing of whether I should stay on the main highway, or take the side roads where it's easy to get lost, but much richer in stories and beauty.
Pink martini drinking Elephants, abandoned dwellings, back road general stores that see only a couple people a day, but still care enough to stay open - what do these things have to say about life? What are the lessons I am supposed to learn?
I don't know where I'm going with this. The thoughts are just as disjointed and rambling as my life is right now. I am so disoriented I have no idea where to go - even if I weren't too scared and overwhelmed to move. Somehow I have to find the key that makes it all work. I have to find my compass rose.