I went in to the city tonight with my friend to see a play. It was getting late as I was returning home. I was kinda mellow, listening to Mary Chapin Carpenter on the radio, and just letting my mind wander. It occurred to me, that I felt content, and relaxed and I realized that a lot of the stress I had been experiencing over this past year had let up. For a minute or two I was happy, and then it further occurred to me that there might be a reason. I have been quite remiss in my reading this summer, and my questioning and thinking. I have kind of put my brain on autopilot and just sort of cruised along. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with that. But I realized I have quit pushing, and challenging and thinking. I have quit digging and seeking and questioning. So the question now becomes do I want to throw myself back into that mode? Do I want to knowingly make my life hard? Do I want to get those difficult questions back to the forefront of my mind? Do I want to get out of the boat again? Off the shelf? Out of the box? I miss it. But I don’t miss the stress and the unrelenting questions that often times have no easy answers. Am I ready to tackle the hard stuff? Jump back into the middle of controversy? Do I want to again consider things that go so much against what I’ve been taught and always believed?
Do I want to struggle, wrestle with the hard stuff? One part of me says yes, one part of me says it will only overwhelm me…..
Why do I have to be such a questioner? Why can’t I find it ok to settle? Why can’t I just take the easy way – for once? Why can’t I be content with where I am, and what I know, and what I have been taught? Whether or not I want to, I think I will be jumping back in…..