Mockingbird

I can't wait til Derek Webb's new album comes out. December 26th. Here are a few sample lyrics:

Derek Webb - In his words….lyrics from the new album "Mockingbird"

“there are two great lies that i've heard: ‘the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die’ and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him” -from “A King & A Kingdom”

“peace by way of war is like purity by way of fornication it's like telling someone murder is wrong and then showing them by way of execution” -from “My Enemies Are Men Like Me”

“are we defending life when we just pick and choose lives acceptable to lose and which ones to defend” -from “Love Is Not Against The Law”

“don't teach me about moderation and liberty, i prefer a shot of grape juice” -from “A New Law”

“my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man, my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood it's to a king & a kingdom” -from “A King & A Kingdom”

“come on and follow Me, but sell your house, sell your suv, sell your stocks, sell your security and give it to the poor” -From “Rich Young Ruler”

A couple quizzes I took.....

Quiz #1
How cynical are you?

My results? Apparently I am a Severe cynic..... ;)

You scored 22, on a scale of 0 to 30. Here's how to interpret your score:

0 - 10
Risk-free. Your Cynicism level is very low.
11 - 20
Somewhat cynical. Your Cynicism level is probably high enough to be of some concern.
21 - 30
Severe cynic. Your Cynicism level is very high.



Quiz #2 - Just for fun.... Which Narnia Character are you?

You are...Susan. Sensible and practical, you are not always comfortable with new situations, preferring the tried-and-true. You are a gentle person, very considerate of, and sympathetic to, others.
Take this quiz!

She doesn't get it from me....

Last night we had a house full of kids. Carissa gave her 2nd annual Christmas Dinner. She plans for weeks, grocery shops, decorates and spends hours cooking and cleaning. The dinner is dressy and they use the good dishes and stuff, and it's pretty neat. I'm not an entertainer by nature. It frustrates me, especially if everything is not perfect. She does what she can, and then doesn't stress. I wish I could be more like her. They had a gift exchange, dinner, games and movies. I had to kick 'em all out a midnight, cuz I'm still sick and I needed to sleep instead of chaperone!!

The pictures here are last years party.

Parental Joy

This morning I was sitting in the choir room before the church service. We were running though a couple of songs to warm up and do some last minute fine-tuning. Since I have been sick (bronchitis, laryngitis) I have not been able to practice. Even in this warm up I was not singing, I had to save all of my voice for the service. I was sitting observing and the song that was being sung was absolutely beautiful. Gorgeous harmonies, a simple but haunting melody...and as I listened I suddenly realized that not only was my husband in choir with me, so were two of my children. And they were contributing to this lovely song with joy and grace, tenderness and passion. Their voices were instruments lifting praise and adoration to their God. And I had to catch my breath and blink away a tear. I was so very, very proud to be their mom, and to have the privilege of participating in this act of worship and celebration with them. They have beautiful voices, and they were using them for God, and though I can't truly find the words to describe it, it was a very touching, special moment. A God moment. A sweet reminder of the joy our Father must take in us when we willingly and joyfully participate with him in his plan for all creation, when we celebrate his love, and when we spend time in his presence. I am truly blessed.

Hallelujah! For the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth....

Last night was the orchestra/choir "Holiday" concert (don't even get me started on that....) at the High School. My daughter plays the oboe - so she is in the High School Orchestra as well as the Band. Which means we had a concert last night and we have another tomorrow night. Tis the season I guess. I don't mind the concerts terribly, except when I am sick, as I am right now. The concert didn't start well, the cello trio was terribly out of tune despite the fact that you could tell they knew the mechanics of the piece. Another time and place I'm sure it would have been beautiful. Four different choirs later, with pieces ranging from mediocre to not half bad, it was time for the orchestra. Who did a decent job. Winter Wonderland was very good, as was Bohemian Rhapsody (don't ask...). But the last two songs were worth everything I sat through prior to them. They did an excellent job on Sleigh Ride - one of the choirs sang with them. Just a great job. But the last piece gave me goose bumps and made me feel jubilant. The orchestra and all 4 choirs performed the Hallelujah Chorus. Excellent. Inspiring. Joyful. It's amazing how a little praise, a little honor, a little repetition of God's words back to him changes your attitude - almost instantly.
So, maybe instead of just being frustrated, and sad, seeking and stymied by not finding, I need instead to just thank God for who he is and what he's doing. Praise him for all he has done and will do. Maybe I need to find those great passages of praise and honor and send them up as prayers of gratitude and humility. God is there. I know he is. He is beside me, waiting. I just need to move a bit closer seeking out what he desires of me. I need to rest in his arms and wait on his timing as he works in me.
I know people have been praying. I can feel changes in my heart - slow changes, but definitely there. A couple days ago I had to go run some errands in the middle of the day and I was feeling pretty down. But as I drove suddenly I felt happy. The sun was out, the sky was blue, the air was frosty. Traffic was terrible, but I didn't care. I'm way behind on shopping, and cards, and baking etc.etc. But it suddenly didn't matter. A slow, but sure, feeling of contentment began to creep into my heart. Wow. It didn't come from me. But it was there none-the-less. I don't know if it will last - I'm almost afraid to say anything about it because I'm afraid I'll get my feet knocked out from under me again. But for now, for a day or two I'm just resting in his arms and letting things spin on around me. I'm taking myself out of the Christmas rat race and rediscovering what is really important. That's where I am today. Tomorrow could be different. But I'm thankful for today and the knowledge that God is still there, still hears me and is still at work in my life, and that he has chosen to give me this respite from my struggle. Hallelujah!

Can you hear me?

The past few weeks I have been lamenting the fact that I don't seem to feel connected to God. I feel lonely, vulnerable and cut off. I know that he is there. I do. I also keep reminding myself that feelings are not a reliable indicator of how things are truly going in your spiritual life.. For example, I have been struggling lately with feeling that when I pray I am just saying words to blank walls and low ceilings. They are just words uttered but not heard by anyone other than me. Because of that I find it difficult to be passionate about them. They seem like words just rolling off the tongue in a world so saturated with noise that they can't be heard. I feel a barrier between me and my God who is the intended receiver. Of course God wants me to pray. He commands me to pray. Even if I don't feel like praying, and lately I haven't really felt like it because I perceive a huge gulf between me and God, he still is waiting and listening. Tuesday as I was driving I forced myself to pray. Which made me feel a bit guilty - forcing myself to communicate with a God I love? I should be thrilled that I have that opportunity. Still, I was forcing words and thoughts, praise, and petitions. And I felt awful. Fake. I don't know any other way to describe it except to say that I felt the words were not even heard beyond the interior of my car. And I was frustrated and sad. I felt the weight of my ineptitude in such a small thing. I couldn't even pray and be heard!
My friend has been dealing with a situation lately. Not of huge proportions, but something that could be costly and this is just not a good time of year for costly. She is a landlord, and something just had to be fixed in her building. For many reasons this was a bad week to get people in to fix this problem. So, on Tuesday, in my attempts to be a caring and good friend as well as to reconnect the communication lines between me and God, I stumbled through a plea to work out this situation. I crossed every t and dotted every i. In the back of my mind were all the reasons he could say no to this request - and I tried to argue with each one of them. Finally, in exhaustion, I came to the place where I just gave in and said - Do what you will, and give her the grace and strength to deal with it. Instead of just praying, and letting him work, I was so cognizant of my recent disengagement and pessimism that I kept giving God "outs" just in case nothing resulted from my prayers. That way if he did nothing I had not failed to help my friend.... How silly. But so me right now. I muddled through it all, and waffled around and finally gave up. I prayed, but did the message get passed the windshield? Not if my feelings about the situation were any indicator.
Yesterday (Wednesday) my friend called me and told me it was the strangest thing, the situation seems to have taken care of itself. Things seem to be working all right again. Huh? As of when? She told me. That was about 15 minutes after I had prayed. I was dumbfounded. Not that God was able to fix the situation - of course he is, but that he heard me even when I felt he didn't. To me it was a strong message saying "Why do you doubt me? Why do you rely on feelings? Why do you think I wouldn't listen to you? I always listen. I always care. Even if you're not feeling me, I am always right there by your side." It shook me to the core. I was taking a human reaction to a situation and assigning it to how God had to be feeling about me. I had wanted nothing to do with God for a few days - and had that been a human friend of course they would have thrown up their hands and walked away. But not God. He's still there waiting. Patiently, lovingly, rejoicing when I choose to let him participate in my life.
And it also reminded me that I can't rely on feelings when it comes to God. I felt alone. I wasn't. I felt unable to communicate. I wasn't. I felt the words I said hadn't made it out of the car. They had. I felt lonely, and worthless and inept. I wasn't. No matter how tangibly I felt that all my words fell on deaf ears - they hadn't! I need to keep talking to God. He is listening. He is hearing. He is right there with me. No matter how disconnected I feel - it is my disconnect, not Gods.
Truthfully, I don't feel much more connected today than yesterday. But I know he is connected to me and working in my life despite my doubts and in spite of my inability to "feel" his closeness. He has not moved.

Casting Crowns

Talk about sobering and convicting. Though thoroughly enjoyable, not exactly a feel good concert. Don’t get me wrong. This was an awesome concert. I loved it all.(Well except the little sermonette which I felt was a little over the top - the music could certainly stand on its own, the words of Mark Hall need no supplemental explanations....) The energy, the passion, the speakers being 15 feet from my ears – tho I have to sing in exactly 3 hours and I still can’t hear out of my left ear. No, this concert was a reminder to all of us that we are broken people, and hurting and sinful just like everyone else. We are not better in our “Christian-ness”, not an exclusive club that only people with perfect lives can join. It was a reminder to reach out to those who are different, who are thought “not good enough” by not only our world, but also our churches. A reminder to embrace the hurting, comfort those in their suffering, and befriend the lonely. Not only that, it was a reminder that in our attempt to be holy we often play a game – plastic and pasteboard. Where we pretend we are above mistakes and hurts and needs like probably whoever we sit next to on Sunday morning who is also neatly packaged and disguised. Casting Crowns sang about loneliness, judgmental people, the messiness of life, the storms we endure. They sang about pain, and brokenness. About missing the point. About loving like Jesus, and compassion for all people, and for unity in the body of Christ. About being afraid, about not being good enough. About the subtle voice of Satan mocking us and persuading us that we are inept and incapable. About how we all fall victim to the concept of the American dream until there’s no time left for family or God. About a nation blind to the Lord, as Bethlehem was so many years ago. About the Voice of Truth, the power of prayer, praising God, lifting our hands and hearts and dancing. And above all being true to our God and being able at the end of the day to say:

Let my Lifesong sing to you – I want to sign your name to the end of this day knowing that my heart was true – let my lifesong sing to you.

I came home with a new desire to reach out to people, to truly Love Them like Jesus – no matter who they are or what the circumstance. Even after sleeping I still feel the weight of the task. I was uplifted; I was encouraged. My heart was touched deeply and convicted. I truly can’t find the words to express what I am really feeling in my soul today, other than that I need to be reaching out, embracing, encouraging, sharing, going – so My Life and it’s song are truly reflections of the God I love, of Jesus who sacrificed his life for the whole creation to reconcile every last bit of it to God. Why should I do any less?

Stop the tantrums already!

Contentment. Now there's a concept. And a difficult one at that. Some days it seems like life is so full of what if's, I just shoulda/coulda's, or situations that beg for a "do-over." Experiences you wish you'd had, or some things you wish weren't part of your life. Everybody has 'em. I realized the other day that this situation that has really been frustrating me may not ever get better. And am I gonna be mad at God forever if that is so? I certainly don't see the big picture - I have tunnel vision of the worst sort when it comes to this problem. The other night I was sitting, thinking, and I realized I need to change the way I look at these things. Accept them. Become content despite where I find myself in life. I'm trying to learn contentment. Not wishing, and not demanding of God, and not being angry at circumstance or what ifs. Just being content with what I have, and who I am because of it. That doesn't mean not wanting to grow and change, but it means realizing that some things may not ever change, and I need to see the good in them and go forward from there....and not only that, I need to humbly pray that if God chooses not to change the situation or the other person, for whatever reason, that He will(and I will allow him to) change me.

tra la la la la la bah humbug...

Yep - I'm still in this stupid mood. Not that I wanna be, but I just am. Traditionally we always decorate the house for Christmas the Saturday after Thanksgiving. Needless to say it was not on my priority list this year. In fact it wasn't even on the bottom of the "to do if I get everything else done" list. Pathetic, I know. So my sixteen year old decides we have to decorate the house. Now. No way, I say. I can't, I won't. I don't feel well. Which only made her dig her heels in more and express just how rotten of a mom I am these days. Probably true - it's been a long month. But that just gets me upset, and now I feel even less like decorating. So I go off to my room to have a good sulk and wallow in my misery.
Life goes on. As always. Moms are not indispensable ya know. She apparently talked her father into taking her to the store to get lights for the exterior of our house. In the six years we've lived here we have never decorated the outside of our house. For a different reason each year. This year she is having none of it, and wants to see lights out there. Period. So they go get lights. When I come down several hours later I find Carissa and her three friends (cuz she's not about to do it all herself, Tom Sawyer that she is...) just finishing up decorating the Christmas tree. My living room was decorated, the tree was up, and all the lights outside were up, the latter courtesy of my hubby, and Brad and Merrick, two of those friends she manipulated into helping her. The Christmas music was playing merrily, and they were laughing and having a really good time.
I don't feel any better, but at least my house looks like my children expect it to for the holidays. And it sure helps cover the fact that I feel like a grinch. None of my neighbors will know, will they? Uh, maybe when they don't get a Christmas card this year? I think I'm boycotting that tradition too.......

Yes! That's what I mean.....

Next week I am going to see Casting Crowns in concert. So this morning I popped their new album in the CD player. I hadn't really listened to it yet - I just got it. In light of my post yesterday there was a song that really jumped out at me - so yes, I know, I'm gonna post lyrics yet again. But after what I was writing about, when I found this I had to say - yes that's what I mean!

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that fails
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

'Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover that I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness and smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open to every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded in the alter for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person that you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus be enough to make you stay

And, yes, the whole album is equally as good. So much good stuff this group communicates....you can feel they really understand hurting people and country club Christianity. I'm really looking forward to the concert....

Masquerade

I’ve been ruminating tonight on why we as Christians feel the need to come across as always being in control of situations, always right, as well as never looking bad to non-believers. Why we pretend our life is perfect, and we have a handle on living sin-free. Sometimes Christians make me crazy. They are not authentic. They are fake, false, always trying to look as though they have no problems. Why? Do we think if we don’t portray the Christian life as some perfect, sin free, problem-free existence that people (both believers and unbelievers) will either A) not see the point of choosing that life, or B) will judge us for not being a “good” Christian? I think the true hypocrisy here is this lack of honesty. I don't think it so much bothers the world that we sin, rather it bothers them that we act like we don't! If we were honest to the core, I think people would respect us more. Why is it so hard to let our mask slip? Are we afraid to let unbelievers see that down deep we are just the same as they are? That we have the same problems, the same faults, the same temptations, we make the same mistakes. Being a Christ-follower is not a magic pill that suddenly makes us perfect, sinless, and without problems! We are still real people, in a real world, facing the same challenges as everybody else. The difference is, we have a goal, a purpose, we have a desire to change and transform our lives. We want to be more like Christ, and let him shine through us. But it’s not easy. It’s pretty messy. So, non-believers aside for a minute. Why do we as Christians feel the need to pretend with other Christians? That is insane. We all ought to know exactly how this life is! It’s a struggle for all of us. I know I haven’t spoken about a lot of my struggles because I fear others judgment and/or condemnation. And I fear the questioning look in their eyes - are you truly a Christ follower? The thing is, we need each other. A single stick is easily broken. A tightly bound bundle of those same sticks is impossible to break. That is why we need community. For support, encouragement, understanding. We need others to stand by us, and pray with us and for us. By being fake, not letting others see us for who we truly are, we not only alienate others, we hurt ourselves. We are easily broken. God made us to be relational. With each other and with him. Why do we try to do it on our own? What fools are we? We need to exist within a group who knows us, and loves us anyway. A group who will help carry our burdens, and whose troubles touch us in ways that make it impossible not to reach out to them with grace and compassion. We need less judgment, more compassion. Less self-righteousness, more grace. We need to accept each other where we are, and hold out a helping hand in encouragement and friendship. We need to see Christ in each other, and be Christ to each other. We are all wounded - we all have times when we need someone else to paddle the boat. Some days it’s all we can do to get in the boat! Other times we need to be willing to carry those who hurt until they can walk again. The more people working on the problem, the less daunting it seems. Even to share your heart with one person is so very freeing. Just to know they are there for you, they have your back, and they are praying for you - that is the most encouraging and comforting thing I know. It’s also encouraging to know that we don’t struggle alone, and that others have gone through similar struggles. If they haven’t isolated themselves behind a mask, and we haven’t built a protective wall, then we can truly connect and begin to find ways to deal with situations, and begin to heal. We so desperately need this sense of community. To live with each other, be invested in each others lives, sharing everything - joy, pain, good times, bad times, work, play, food, sorrow, crisis-whatever comes our way. We need to grow as one, each with our own part to play in the whole. And we need to treat each other with as much forgiveness, grace and compassion as we ourselves would want to be treated. I don’t know where I’m going here. I just know it’s something I have really been thinking about. And I’m gonna keep wrestling with it. Now I have to figure out how to begin to find that community, or to build that community. I guess it will be done one person at a time. I need to stop limiting myself by dwelling on how others will see me, and be willing to become even more vulnerable. In doing so, I may be surprised by what I find - other broken people who also desire to be real and incarnational.
Anyone wanna join me?

What I need....

OK - so I saw this on Julie's blog and thought it looked fun. So I tried it. You google your name followed by the word "needs" and post the ten funniest things that come up. Didn't know which ten to choose, so ya got 13. :)

1. Karen Needs to Grow Up!
2. Karen needs money to buy the roller skates she desperately wants.
3. Karen Needs a New Blog.
4. Karen needs to be an efficient student.
5. Karen needs a rest.
6. Karen needs a new haircut to make her look glamorous.
7. Karen needs a truly portable, battery-powered, off-camera light.
8. Karen needs to lighten up.
9. Karen needs to make her day bright.
10. Karen needs to swallow her pride.
11. Karen needs to keep her mind busy in order to feel challenged.
12. Karen needs to learn the basics of spending and budgeting.
13. Karen needs a lobotomy.

Shaken till my teeth rattle.....

My thoughts today.
And some thoughts they are. Spinning around and around - making me dizzy and frustrated. It's just that I have been dealing with yet another problem in my life. Yeah - I'm getting tired of 'em too. I swear it must just be a phase I'm going through. I dunno. It is what it is. And I'm not really gonna elaborate on the problem, because it's way too personal for this public forum. TMI and all that. But it's making me rebellious and hard. I don't like that side of me, but I feel it happening. Lately, despite my best efforts (and yeah that would be a red flag huh?) I just can't seem to hear God - I feel a gulf there that I am uncomfortable with, and wedge that makes my heart sad. But as this week progressed and all the little aggravations of the week snowballed and melded with all the other concerns in my life I started getting pulled under. And it made me mad. I don't wanna give thanks, be joyful, or hear the song "Blessed be your name" one more time. Yesterday after work I was sitting on my bed in a funk, trying to work it all out. And I heard a voice saying - "you know, the things you are thinking in your heart are the reality of who you are." Whoa - outta the blue that came. Well, not really but it seemed so. So I ignored it and went on thinking my angry thoughts, I kept on whining and complaining. No, more than that, I'm pretty much in a shouting match with God about the unfairness of life. (like he has to be fair - remember the story of the vineyard workers and the denarius in Matthew 20?) And the voice comes again with a more pointed message totally relevant to what I'm dealing with. By now I'm humming with my fingers in my ears. How ironic is this. For weeks I've been sad that I am not hearing God, that I can't connect, and now here he is and I'm blatantly ignoring him? I'm running like Jonah - as fast as I can. Not wanting to see the big picture, rather wanting to bend things to go the way I want them to go. Not wanting to see grace for others, but wanting huge doses for myself. Or maybe, I'm like Jacob, wrestling all through the night with God. Not only wrestling, but yelling, and fighting and complaining, yet still wanting to be blessed. The question becomes how wounded will I be when all is said and done, after all Jacob was left with physical consequences. And yet again I felt a voice beating in my heart "You are my child, I will not hurt you." Why am I fighting so? This is so silly. I am so stubborn!
I know better. Last night at choir ( pretty painful this was) we were working on all the thankful, grateful songs. How faithful God is - no matter what and no matter what the situation is. He alone is what will fill our needs - no matter what shape they come in. Good times and bad, he is there for me. Aaargh. I feel like God has taken me by the shoulders and is literally shaking me. Till my teeth rattle. Cuz right now, though I get it, and I know he is and will be faithful and meet every need, desire and hurt I have, I really want no part of it. I want what I want. I want to feel sorry for myself. I want to rant and yell about the unfairness of it all. Sure I'd love to run to him and let it all be better - let him fix it - but I just can't do it. Not this time. Not today.

Holding back the sea

I went to the city with my friend Saturday. I just needed to be somewhere where things were bigger than me and my problems. Where energy pulsed around me and I could plug in to the vibrancy. I didn't care if it was day or night, sunny or rainy - or even where we went. I just needed to feel I was part of something bigger. I know I wasn't being still and listening. That's probably what I should have been doing. But instead I ran the other way. I circumvented what in the long run would have helped the most because I wanted instant gratification. I wanted to feel better quickly, never mind that it wouldn't last more than a day and I would need another fix. It was like plugging the hole in the dike with my finger. I held the flood at bay by filling the hole in me with movement, excitement, energy, passion, delight, exuberance, joie de vivre. It worked. I felt good from head to toe. Until my finger couldn't stem the flow any longer and it burst through the dam as it was bound to do because of the way I tried to make things better. I need to quit running and listen. Even if it takes time to hear that still small voice again. Even if I don't like what I hear. I need to fix it the way God intends. I need to fill the hole with his finger - not mine.

EDIT:
Twyla reminded me of this song....Petula Clark's great escape to the city.... Yep, that was me all right! Check it out.....
Downtown

I think I can, I think I can.....

Did you ever work for days on a jigsaw puzzle only to find when you got to the end that a piece was missing? How frustrating is that? There's a hole in the picture, a place that only a piece that is a specific size and shape and color will fill. I've been thinking about that lately. How each of us is made by God to fit into his story. His big picture. Sometimes we think we have to be like everybody else. On maybe just like someone else. When we are asked to do something we demur, saying I can't. I am not able. I am not a good speaker like_________ or I'm not creative at all like_____ Or, maybe I could do it if I was more like___________. Hmmm, somehow I don't think that's what God had in mind when he made me. He made me, well, me. Unique. With my own strengths and weaknesses. My own abilities, or lack of them. He gave me the exact characteristics he wanted me to have. The right shape and size and color to fit an exact hole in the big picture. Wow! That's pretty cool, and conversely, pretty scary. I need to quit saying I can't and start saying I can. I need to quit whining about what I am not, and figure out who I am and how God wants to use me in his plan. I gotta quit looking at things with myopia and start seeing the big picture. I'm sure it's astonishingly beautiful. Wilder than I ever could imagine it to be. And to be complete, this picture needs me to be there. To show up. To be willing to be molded into that shape God needs to fit the spot he has decided I will fill. I'm sure it's not gonna be comfortable to be pounded into shape by God, but it will probably be more comfortable than if I force my self into a spot intended for another. Realizing that God truly has a place for me, and is molding me to fit it helps alleviate a bit of the fear. If he intends me to do a specific thing he will enable me to do it! Like he did with Moses - who by the way thought he was totally incapable of doing what God asked him to do. I wonder how frustrated God gets with us when we question what he wants us to do, as well as our ability to do it? When Moses got with the plan it worked beautifully. And Aaron, who Moses thought was better qualified to carry out the plan ended up missing the point entirely and built a golden calf to satisfy the peoples perception of what they needed. He let them force him into a shape he was not called to fill. Which just proves the point that we can't let others dictate to us who we should be, and how we should be living our lives. There's a lot of wrong thinking out there. Everywhere out there. Including in our churches. So what I need to do is to be still. And listen. I need to hear and do. My job. Not yours, or what you perceive mine might be. I need to seek out God's will, his big picture and let him use me to fit the spot I was meant to fill. Yeah, I'm sure he can finish the puzzle with out me - it just won't be the perfect picture he envisioned.
On a more practical level, how does this get played out right now, today? I've been trying to come up with a concrete example. Possibly this:(and the implications are scary)the fact that I need to be brave, and vulnerable, and just ME. No matter what the consequences. God has been specifically working on me regarding empathy, compassion and love. No matter what. Being a peace maker, seeing the good in people and situations even if it is not the popular opinion. And to speak up in love and in defense of those being spoken badly of. To let my compassion show no matter how angry others get with me. Because that is honest. You don't need me to be you - just being a rubber stamp friend, to be liked or accepted or approved of. To agree with you so you'll be my friend. I need to stand for what I see as right and compassionate. That is one example. I can not make myself be what others want me to be, or see me as being. I need to be authentic as much as I know how even if it makes me painfully vulnerable and alone. I don't want you to like me for who you think I am, I want to be liked and accepted for just being me. And this is so hard for me, who all my life has been a great chameleon! You don't need a clone of you, you need a unique me to be a friend, have an opinion, give honest thoughts and impressions. That's the best I can do.....
And I'm terrified of speaking up in a group. Especially if it goes against the popular opinion. I'm learning to be brave here also. To test my wings. If God wants me to speak, who am I to question Him? It is hard, very hard. If you knew me you would so get that. But no matter what the challenge that God has in mind for me, I need to remember if he asks, he will enable. Wow! How cool is that?

One is the loneliest number....

So, yeah, life has been a struggle lately. In lots of ways. Somedays I really feel discouraged and not sure how to keep going. A few weeks ago I was reading Rob Bell's book, Velvet Elvis. Today as I was sitting here contemplating my situation - and yeah, feeling a little sorry for myself - as I was asking "why me?", and "why can't it be easier?" I remembered a section from the book. It was talking about a time when Bell was starting his church, and the way he knew it was the right time. His insights gave me a real application to my life that I can hold on to - a way to look at this struggle and come through it. Probably slowly, cuz it's been really discouraging and difficult. Bell said he knew it was time to start a church when he no longer cared if it was successful. And he said, and this is what really impacted me... "When I realized that if thirteen people joined up with us, and that was all it ever was, that would be ok.” What I’ve been realizing is – I have to follow Jesus. Period. Live a kingdom life. Period. Live within a new belief construct. Period. Even if NO ONE ever gets it, or my decision, and even if no one ever joins me, I have to do it. Now. No excuses. No matter what other people think. And no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do, sees or doesn’t see, believes, or doesn’t believe – I still have to follow that path, possibly alone, or at the very least in a minority. I may not find a perfect community either – but that’s ok. I have to do it regardless. Be true to the call. This section gave me perspective and was immensely helpful as I struggle with “am I right?’ or ”why am I doing this?”
And beyond this, I should change what I say from “I have to”, to “I get to.” I get to follow Jesus. I get to find my place in God’s story. I get to learn and grow. I get to experience God in a whole new and wonderfully fulfilling way. I get to celebrate. I desire, I thirst, I am excited….And moving into this way of thinking changes a struggle to anticipation of a wonderful, but controversial journey. A journey of limitless blessing where I can look to others and say join me.
It's still a struggle. It's still not easy. I still lose sight of where I'm going some days. I lose my perspective. Especially when things become overwhelming. But I need to remember God will see me through the storm, and He alone is all I really need.
I know I've posted a lot of lyrics lately, but really, these two songs have been playing in my head this morning. The words are how I feel - and what I need to remember. So I thought I'd share them. The first is a section from Jeremy Camp's I Still Believe and if you know his story at all you can see why these words are incredible.

"The only place I can go is into your arms
Where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokeness
I can see that this is your will for me
Help me to know you are near
Even when I don't see I still believe. I still believe."

And this one is from Mark Schultz, and is one I pull out on my bad days. It makes me feel better... just the reminder that no matter what, no matter how alone or misunderstood I feel, He is always there.

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You're strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You'd see me through the storm

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

BTW - if this post shows up weird, apparantly my blog has a mind of it's own today. Sorry - hopefully all will be back to normal tomorrow! :)

Keeping perspective....

Today a couple of songs have been running through my mind - over and over
and over. So I thought I'd share them with you, since I haven't really felt
like blogging. The first is I Left Everything to Follow You by Michael Card. It is
from his 2003 album entitled A Fragile Stone.  The whole album is excellent,
with songs like I'm not supposed to be here,  Mourning the Death of a Dream, 
and Not that Kind of King. The album explores the character of the apostle
Simon Peter, his faith and failings.

I Left Everything to Follow You

Though sometimes I grow weary when the road's getting long
At each point of my weakness You make me strong
And when doubt takes over I remember it's true
I left everything to follow you
To stay safe or to follow you.. ask me to choose
But how could I fail when I've got nothing left to lose?
Without your call I couldn't make it
It'd be impossible to do
To leave everything and follow you.

But what is my petty offering
to Your sacrifice?
I gave up my home
But you gave up Paradise
What You called me to offer
Has really set me free
Cause you left everything to be with me
So with joy I embrace a faith that calls me from home
And I will cling to Your Promise that I am never alone
And with each passing moment I'll keep hoping it's true
I left everything to follow you.

The second is a song by Brother's Keeper. The chorus kept drumming in
my head today. I needed it to.

Rain on

Saw an old man with a cane, his hair was silver-grey
Used to have good friends, now he misses them
Winter comes to every life, ‘cause springtimes have to fade
Seasons have to change, it is nature’s way
No one promises us a lifetime without pain
Heard the old man say, "It’s just a rainy day"
He knows this too will pass and joy will come again
Let the whole world know, let the cold wind blow

CHORUS:
Rain on, I will not drown
I’m standing firm on higher ground
Rain on, I will not drown
I’m standing firm on higher ground


Saw a man with a dream of wealth and everything it brings
He heard the Shepherd call, so he left it all
Sometimes a careless work can leave a hollow ring
But he follows on, soon the doubt is gone

CHORUS

No one has promised a lifetime without pain
Heard the old man say, "It’s just a rainy day"
He knows this too will pass and joy will come again
Let the whole world know, let the cold wind blow

CHORUS

postcards from God....

I took Cairo for a walk this morning. The beauty was almost more than I could bear. Trees dressed in vermilion, crimson and goldenrod stretched towards the brilliant blue sky. No clouds in sight. A gentle breeze ruffled the leaves, spinning them toward the gravel path I was walking on. Birds skittered and sang, squirrels hopped, yellow jackets buzzed and the dog tripped lazily along beside me. No signs of frost anywhere – it’s too warm. What a perfect fall day! Truly a gift from God to encourage a hurting heart. A brilliant, breath-taking string-around-the-finger prompt that he made the world and everything in it. A reminder that he is here now, surrounding me with his love, inviting me to share in his goodness. That he gives and takes as he sees fit, and the taking is not done to hurt me, but to drawn me closer. That he is in control of everything. Everything. I just need to trust. And listen for his voice calling out to me as I become still before him. And wait. I have not been doing so well at waiting, and listening. Today’s gift of beauty is my postcard from God inviting me back into his presence to rest and commune with him.

I prefer the word eccentric!

Actually, I think I'd be more disappointed if I weren't sorta weird. Status quo makes me nervous. I like being a bit off the wall....life is much more interesting that way! Whadda ya think? You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Um, Mom.....about the car.....

Well, apparently my 19 year old decided we needed a new car yesterday. What other reason could she have had for turning in front of a speeding Honda Civic? He hit her so hard she spun off the road and into the ditch... Neither she, nor the other driver were hurt seriously - thank God!
She was however very (understandably) upset. A very kind man called me and stayed with her until he knew I was on my way. He told me she was ok - just couldn't stop crying. The driver of the other car was very kind too - gave her his sweatshirt to sit on to keep her off the wet ground. She is very bruised, and very sore. The airbag did a number on her chin. I'm sure that was better than the alternative.... I took my friend Dana with me to get her, cuz she (Kelsey) was a half hour away and I was shaking. Her calmness kept me focused as I drove to Downers Grove. Her eyes found the accident before I saw it. Dana's a perfect friend to take to the scene of an accident - she used to be an EMT. So even tho no one on the scene called an ambulance Kelsey got a pretty good going over by Dana. So, looks like this weekend we need to find a replacement car for Kim (it was his car) - not that I'm looking forward to two car payments, but such is life. Cars are things and can be replaced, unlike lives. I am so thankful God was watching out for Kelsey!