Last night was the orchestra/choir "Holiday" concert (don't even get me started on that....) at the High School. My daughter plays the oboe - so she is in the High School Orchestra as well as the Band. Which means we had a concert last night and we have another tomorrow night. Tis the season I guess. I don't mind the concerts terribly, except when I am sick, as I am right now. The concert didn't start well, the cello trio was terribly out of tune despite the fact that you could tell they knew the mechanics of the piece. Another time and place I'm sure it would have been beautiful. Four different choirs later, with pieces ranging from mediocre to not half bad, it was time for the orchestra. Who did a decent job. Winter Wonderland was very good, as was Bohemian Rhapsody (don't ask...). But the last two songs were worth everything I sat through prior to them. They did an excellent job on Sleigh Ride - one of the choirs sang with them. Just a great job. But the last piece gave me goose bumps and made me feel jubilant. The orchestra and all 4 choirs performed the Hallelujah Chorus. Excellent. Inspiring. Joyful. It's amazing how a little praise, a little honor, a little repetition of God's words back to him changes your attitude - almost instantly.
So, maybe instead of just being frustrated, and sad, seeking and stymied by not finding, I need instead to just thank God for who he is and what he's doing. Praise him for all he has done and will do. Maybe I need to find those great passages of praise and honor and send them up as prayers of gratitude and humility. God is there. I know he is. He is beside me, waiting. I just need to move a bit closer seeking out what he desires of me. I need to rest in his arms and wait on his timing as he works in me.
I know people have been praying. I can feel changes in my heart - slow changes, but definitely there. A couple days ago I had to go run some errands in the middle of the day and I was feeling pretty down. But as I drove suddenly I felt happy. The sun was out, the sky was blue, the air was frosty. Traffic was terrible, but I didn't care. I'm way behind on shopping, and cards, and baking etc.etc. But it suddenly didn't matter. A slow, but sure, feeling of contentment began to creep into my heart. Wow. It didn't come from me. But it was there none-the-less. I don't know if it will last - I'm almost afraid to say anything about it because I'm afraid I'll get my feet knocked out from under me again. But for now, for a day or two I'm just resting in his arms and letting things spin on around me. I'm taking myself out of the Christmas rat race and rediscovering what is really important. That's where I am today. Tomorrow could be different. But I'm thankful for today and the knowledge that God is still there, still hears me and is still at work in my life, and that he has chosen to give me this respite from my struggle. Hallelujah!