Oh, ye of little faith......

Sometimes I wonder if God is really listening to me, or paying attention. Or if He is just up in heaven laughing at my confusion.....
I know better, I do. Yet sometimes I just need to see the evidence, Thomas that I am. This past week I was sitting on my bed thinking. It was in the evening, and I was just going through some events of the past several months in my mind. I remembered how excited I was when I got my passport. Several months ago. I've never had one - silly as that may seem. And I remember when I got it thinking - wow, now I can go anywhere I want - do what I want. And I remember thinking how at that moment what I wanted to do more than anything was go to hurting people and serve them and God. Doing whatever was needed. I was so excited, and so passionate. It was all I could think about for days. Shortly after this I had a health scare. A pretty significant one. I remember in the middle of it saying to a friend - I just don't get it. I am finally getting my act together, I am willing and ready to serve God. My passion is being missional. I want to be used, and now I may never get to do this. Why would God put this so definitely on my heart just to take it away? I got past the health scare, and busy, and I kinda set the vision aside. And I had to work through some other pretty significant stuff - including church. That was hard, and disorienting. I was overwhelmed by life.
Things have kind of started working themselves out now, and in the past couple weeks I felt moved to revisit the serving issue. And that's when I started once again thinking I had a passport, and I wanted to go. And as I thought about it Monday night I realized it was not an option currently. I wasn't connected in a place where this would be a possibility. I had left my old church, my new church didn't have the resources and the only other place I might possibly connect to this kind of ministry was a strange church filled with unknown people. Talk about anxiety. I could go with people I didn't know, to a country I didn't know and do something I might not know how to do. And as I began to consider this a deep sadness came over me, and my eyes filled with tears and began to overflow. I was not crying, or sobbing, or distraught. It was like a leaky faucet I couldn't turn off. Tears overflowing from the depths of my soul. I just felt it was like God had held something out to me, and when I finally had come to a point where I could commit he had snatched it away. I shared my broken heart with my friend and she helped me see it was probably just not God's timing. Just to trust His direction. It took a couple days, but I made my peace with it. It wasn't God's time, and I would just have to trust Him. He gave me the passion, He would provide the outlet.
Saturday night I went to church. We are very small. Basically like a small group at this point. But the church has great vision. And one area is loving and meeting the needs of others. Working side by side with the needy, being Jesus to them. And in the course of defining our vision Mike spoke about our church - all 15 of us, adopting a village in Haiti, coming along side them, helping them, serving them, working on health, education, basic needs - loving them. Yes, US. I about fell off my chair. Where five days before I had been so discouraged by a passion denied, I was now marveling at the goodness of God and His impeccable timing. It was like he reached down and said - "Now". It was almost like it had been a test to see if I meant what I said. If I was truly committed. If I really desired to serve God, or it was a passing thing. And after my heart broke, He stepped in and said OK - now I can use you. I'm still amazed today. It was like yet another God message. I am here, I am in control, I am real, all you need to do is trust me.
Wow. I tried to explain it to my friend today. Once again I found myself with tears in my eyes. I could barely speak. My heart is so full. God continues to surprise and amaze me.

Because I said so - that's why......

How many times have moms said that to their kids?

Mother's Day. Dreary. Rainy. Cold.
I'm sitting here at the computer writing, the kids are all sleeping and Kim is at the store picking up a few things. Probably flowers will be one of those things knowing my hubby...
I can't believe it's the middle of May. Seriously. Where has this school year gone? I'm looking forward to some downtime in a couple weeks. Time to clean the house, sit in the sun, take a walk, grocery shop when there aren't a million people in the store.
Last night we talked about legalism at church. Several of us were asked to take part in the service, and I had to talk about my experience with legalism, and how it makes us feel, or hurts us. I wasn't sure where to go with it even tho I have experienced hurt because of it. So I let it roll around in my brain over night and got up in the morning and wrote this:

When I was growing up life had a list of do's and don'ts. Christianity had a bigger list of do's and don'ts. Especially in the high school years.
Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't dance, go to movies, play cards, listen to rock music, (we did anyway..) and above all, don't question these rules. Christianity became about the rules and not the person. If you don't follow the party line, your faith in God is seriously questioned.
Rules obviously have a place in society. It would be chaos without rules. But with rules just for the sake of rules, without understanding or conviction is harmful. Growing up in the home/church I did it was kind of drummed into me that if you were a Christian this is what you did. And so the tension in my life became unbearable at times. And if a friend asked me why I couldn't go to the movies I had no good answer. It wasn't my rule. And it bred resentment, and questions, and a feeling of doubt - doubt that because you didn't see the logic in the legalism you must not be a Christian!
College came, and it was worse. I went to a pretty conservative college, ok a really conservative college. And most people seemed to get the rules. And have no problems with the rules. They followed whatever they were told - hook, line, and sinker. I wanted to know why, and pat answers weren't cutting it. This led to a huge crisis of faith. And a miserable few years as I struggled with whether I was truly a Christian or not.
After college I worked, got married, had kids, all the while just living the "correct," "good," "acceptable" Christian life. Church - whenever the doors were open, bible studies, Christian friends-what I knew, because it was easier to follow a prescribed path, and not make waves. But I still had questions. I dreaded church - I thought differently than others. I had questions. Opinions that didn't match. I felt hypocritical, like I was playing a part just so I wasn't looked down on. But I just never fit. And the tension got worse. I started avoiding anything church related, except Sunday morning church, and then I'd prefer to go, be done, and get out. I really didn't want to interact with anybody. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't have anything in common with these people. But I kept going, because it was what a good Christian did. I was a good Christian, right?
And I still had no idea why things I were doing were right or wrong. So, I started making a few "daring" choices - doing things we were never allowed to do because I could. And I let my kids do them to so they wouldn't ever feel the legalism and conflict I felt in my life.
I was a good mom; I made sure my kids were in Sunday school and church; that they knew the Bible stories and the rules. That they knew how to "do" Christianity.
But as they grew, I realized I wanted more for them. I wanted them to think for themselves so they wouldn't end up like me. I wanted them to be compassionate, to be in the world, to have a faith that was relevant, to have the freedom to question why they believed what they believed. And it was not gonna happen where we were.
Around this time my daughter started attending another church youth group. And what she was learning was amazing. It was exactly what I wish I had been taught as a teen . I'd read her lessons and wished I could go to youth group with her. Just so I could ask questions and not be made to feel like a second class Christian. And because I finally realized there were other people in the world that thought like me. This group encouraged the kids to open their eyes and learn to see God everywhere; not just in church or in their devotional times, or in their Christian friends, but everywhere. They were taught that God should be a part of their life all the time, not just on Sunday. And God could be experienced even in the most unlikely of situations. God is with you, and you are with him every second of every day. Live your faith!
They were shown the importance of being ready to experience God in school, with their friends, at the movies, reading a book, listening to a song, wherever. They were taught if you only expect to see God in certain places, then you will only ever find him there, and what a small God that would be. God in a box. Wow! I didn't realize there were pastors like this out there - that actually thought the way I did, and were willing to admit it and teach it to the kids!
And through this I allowed myself to start asking questions, abandon my old faith construct and think about what I truly believed. And when you do this, you find you no longer fit the old mold. And you don't fit comfortably in your old church. And you start seeing things everywhere that shake your world. You start to stretch and grow - and suddenly God is bigger than you ever imagined. Instead of feeling constrained, not allowed to do things, instead of always wondering why you had these thoughts and questions that "real" Christians didn't have, instead of constantly questioning if you were really "in", you see the world through a whole new set of eyes, a new mindset. Being a follower of Christ becomes about people not about rules.
Legalism hurts. It marginalizes people; it makes people question their beliefs. It makes people feel like second-class citizens, or like they don't belong. It divides people into those who are in and those who are out. And it even causes tension and conflict within a person because they can't separate the acceptance and love of God from the judgment of the Pharisees.
Rules separate. Divide the body. Rules exclude people. We need rules, but the rules should not be more important than the people they serve. When a rule makes you not welcome in Christian circles, or in your church I have to wonder what Following Christ really means...

Despite this, what I realized last night was that no matter how passionate I am, or how emotionally involved in this issue, I am still legalistic in areas that I choose to be. Amazingly it comes down to my personal sense of right and wrong. Not something I'm proud of really, but I have to face that truth. We did an exercise at church where we wrote down areas where we were legalistic, areas we needed to be honest about and work on. And then we put them in a bowl of water and poured water over them and they dissolved.

Because I say so - that's why....

If only I could do away with that attitude as easily as the paper dissolved in the water......

I feel like a cartoon character....

....running and running and running, legs circling furiously yet never accomplishing anything, or getting anywhere. May has been so incredibly busy. No time to even take a breath, much less sit down and actually blog! Meetings, classes, family obligations and nites out with friends. Plus it's almost the end of the school year, so that makes my job crazy as well and makes life around the house chaotic with two kids doing research papers and getting ready for finals. As well as SAT's and ACT's.
Tonight the Spring Musical starts - they are doing The Sound of Music this year. My darling daughter is a NUN. Yes, a nun. You should see her in her habit. Too cute. But certainly not in line with her character. At All.
Uh - Oh, she just came home and said there is a mysterious power outage in the school auditorium, and they are working furiously to fix it, but we're not sure the show can go on tonight. And wouldn't ya know, my tickets are for tonight cuz I'm busy the next two nights? Sure hope Com Ed gets it figured out in time.
And I missed a full day of work yesterday with some bug that made me lose my voice. I hate it, and the kids love it. Go figure. Slept all day yesterday with the puppies on the bed with me. And they weren't even fighting. They must have known I'd kill 'em.
And of course, now in the midst of all this craziness one of the cars breaks down and were are fighting over cars. Bah.
At least I know June is coming. Hopefully summer will be sane this year and relaxing. I wanna read, and watch movies, go to plays and parks and spend time with friends. Take a break from "Have tos" and deadlines. Enjoy our new church. Find service opportunities. Visit with family. Paint our bedroom. Plant a garden. Take a road trip. And slow down. For once I wanna be the tortoise, not the hare....

A type A personality .....sorta

While I'm not so sure this is all totally accurate, there is a hint of truth in it.
Anyway, it sure makes me sound good! :)
As for being balanced........

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Which 24 character are you???

Take the quiz:
Which "24" character are you?

Tony Almeida
You are Tony Almeida!!!! Behind every batman is a robin, you are Jack's 2nd hand man.. You can lead CTU, you can be field OP's, You are a lover and a fighter.

Which Super Hero are You?

Your results:
You are Green Lantern

Green Lantern 65% Spider-Man 65% Robin 62% Hulk 50% Catwoman 45% Wonder Woman 40% Superman 40% Batman 35% Supergirl 20% Iron Man 20% The Flash 15%

Hot-headed. You have strong will power and a good imagination.

Except Green Lantern and Spiderman had the same percentage....
Spiderman: You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility. Maybe I'm a bit of both?


Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

I took the one less traveled by....

The Road Not Taken
Robert Frost


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
Ad having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Prom - April 28, 2006

Last night was Prom at our high school. It was supposed to rain - but it didn't and we had gorgeous weather. Somehow I can't believe my youngest can be this old.....

This is the group that went to prom together.


the girls


Carissa and the boys.....


Carissa and Paige


aren't they adorable?


Carissa at home before they left.

girls nite in...

So, after a "dinner" of eggs, bacon, pancakes, milk and OJ, the girls and I settled down for a girls nite in. It was nice. I don't think we've all been home with nothing to do on the same night for months. We snuggled in jammies and blankets, did our nails and watched Shopgirl on DVD. It was fun - and relaxing. Even the doggies settled in and napped.
Why don't we make time to do this more often? Of course, I guess if we did it would become normal and boring...

leaving my growing up Faith.....

So, it's done. I'm done. We're done? I am officially gone from my church. I thought I would feel relieved - and better. But I'm sad and a bit at loose ends. Kinda like I have slammed a door impulsively and the help I need is still on the other side..... Weird I know. I think it's just that after being at that church for 40 years the breakup is bound to be difficult. Especially if it's not on good terms. Well, I thought it was on good terms, but apparently it's not on their part. So anyway. Things are tense and difficult and misunderstandings abound. As well as sadness and tears. If there is anything positive though in the way things have happened, it's that it has shown my husband just how much we differ from them philosophically, and that, yes, he needed to leave too. Unfortunately he had to be kicked out of the nest because he was afraid to fly on his own.
So the good news is, we have embarked together on a new journey - one that includes Via Christus as our new church home. And we are so excited to be there. Sometimes it just takes a kick in the pants to make you aware of what is so obviously the right thing to do.
Thanks to all of you who have been upholding us in prayer through this process. I can't begin to express how much that means to me.

Interesting...

Anybody have any thoughts on this?

"Standing in the center of a theater in the round-type setting with an audience full of business people, Bush spoke sympathetically about the plight of foreigners who risk their lives to sneak into the United States to earn a decent wage. He said the U.S. needs a temporary guest worker program to stop people from paying to be smuggled in the back of a truck.

"I know this is an emotional debate," Bush told the Orange County Business Council. "But one thing we can't lose site of is that we are talking about human beings, decent human beings."

"You can be a nation of law and be a compassionate nation at the same time," he said to applause."

They polled Americans to see how they felt about the deportation of illegal immigrants. Do the results surprise you?

Would you favor the sweeping deportation of illegal immigrants?
Yes 59%
No 41%
Total Votes: 10,328

Grace like Rain....

Shepherd, Your sheep are weary
Cold and tired, battered and bruised and torn
Shepherd, Your sheep are hungry
We got what we wanted but we still need something more
We need to hear Your voice
Whatever You might say
We just need to hear Your voice
Show us the way

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm not even sure how I got here
Wondered to this darkness from Your light
I still remember walking in the garden with You
Now I'm just stumbling through this night

I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait
And I wait

I wait for Your rain to fall
The waves of Your grace wash over me
I wait for Your rain to fall
Strange how forgiveness comes so easily
When I call Your name
And wait for Your rain

Lord, this desert is killing me
My throat's dry from screaming Your name
I want to come home but the sands of time surround me
The dirt's finally covered my shame

So I throw myself on Your mercy
I throw myself at Your feet
I throw my filth on the grace of One who's beauty is beyond me
And I wait

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I need a little more sunshine in the middle of rain
Need a little more joy in the middle of pain
Need a little more color in the middle of this plain jane

I've looked as deep as I can see
And I think I need a little more You in the middle of me

I need a little more patience in the middle of stress
I need a little more beauty in the middle of this mess
Need a little more substance in the middle of this emptiness

I've looked as deep as I can see
And I think I need a little more You in the middle of me

Need more of You and less of me
More of You and little less insanity
More of You and little less complexity

I've looked as deep as I can see
It seems more of You is better for me

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Come, ye sinners, poor and needy
Weak and wounded, sick and sore
Jesus ready, stands to save you
Full of pity, love and power

I will arise and go to Jesus
He will embrace me in His arms
In the arms of my dear Savior,
O, there are ten thousand charms

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Open up the skies of mercy
Rain down your cleansing flood
Healing waters rise around us
Hear our cries, Lord Let 'em rise

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hallelujah, grace like rain falls down on me!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

all lyrics (except come ye sinners) by Todd Agnew

It's easier to rent....

Don't breathe too deep
Don't think all day
Dive into work
Drive the other way
That drip of hurt
That pint of shame
Goes away
Just play the game

.....You're what you own
So I own not a notion
I escape and ape content
I don't own emotion - I rent

RENT - What you Own

He wrote the songs.....

How is it that every time I have had something huge going on in my life Casting Crowns has a song that speaks to my heart? Not necessarily dealing with the specific issue, but with what I need to remember, to understand. Why is it this group's music reaches into my heart and touches me deeply at those times? This time it's a song I didn't initially care for. It seemed like just a song - not bad, but one that I could take or leave. Until this week - and it is really ministering to me. It is so amazing how much God can get through to me through music. When nothing else CAN get through. And how very much I can feel his presence through a song. It seeps into every crack in my heart and brings healing.
I am so thankful for music......

Overtaken

blindsided
caught off guard
pain swirls to the depth of the soul
deeper deeper deeper
implanting in the tender ground of feeling

pulsing
tenacious
refusing to release its grip
tighter tighter tighter
even when reason valiantly tries to intervene

aching
constant
sending roots deep, intertwining
growing growing growing
unwilling to let tears loosen the knot

tunnel
vision
unable to see another way
searching searching searching
uproot the quickly growing weed

breathless
choking
have to gain perspective soon
grasping grasping grasping
unable to let go of the pain

sorrow looking for release...

Lord, I hope this day is good...

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, lord, I know I should
But lord I hope this day is good

Lord, have you forgotten me?
I been prayin to you faithfully
I should be thankful lord you know I am
But lord I hope you understand

I don't need fortune and I don't need fame
Send down the thunder, lord, send down the rain
But when you're plannin just how it will be
Plan a good day for me

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, lord, I know I should
But lord I hope this day is good

You've been the king since the dawn of time
All that I'm askin is a little less crime
It might be hard for the devil to do
But it would be easy for you

Lord, I hope this day is good
I'm feelin empty and misunderstood
I should be thankful, lord, I know I should
But lord I hope this day is good

Don Williams

If you don't have anything good to say.....

I wanted to post today about my terrific weekend - Easter is usually my favorite holiday. I was all set to write an upbeat cheerful post. Nope. Sorry. Since I have very little good to say, I will just hit the highlights (lowlights?). Friday I cleaned and did laundry. Enough said. Saturday night I went to Chicago with a friend to see RENT. I had the tickets for quite awhile - before I had any info on Via Christus. So, by going to Chicago I missed the big Kick-off/Easter celebration in Yorkville. And instead of enjoying RENT my thoughts were consumed with Via Christus.... Sunday was my last day at my old church. Nothing good to say so I am moving on. I will say it was hard, and today I feel a bit like I have lost a limb.... The rest of the day I didn't do anything. Just tried to relax and get over the weekend. I am glad it's Monday. And I hope next Easter will once again be the joyous celebration I have always known it to be.

They call me mellow yellow.....

These are in my garden. They made me feel better today just seeing their sunny yellow faces. I thought I would share them with you in hopes that they might brighten up your day as well!

This too shall pass......I hope!

OK, that post yesterday was just rambling. I swear it's the new meds. Or the fact that they haven't kicked in yet. In that case I have two more weeks of this randomness/off the wall behavior in me. Sorry. For example, the other day I couldn't begin to get right and left straight much less north and south. And I am not directionally challenged. Never have been. Yet I adamantly argued left vs. right, literally seeing the turn correctly while calling right left. So if I argue with any of you for no apparent reason, and you are obviously right, just pat me on the head and send me to my room.

So what did I do this weekend?

Well actually, I did a lot of stuff. It used to be the weekends were the days I slept in and then did mountains of laundry. Well, I did do laundry, but I did other stuff too. Fun stuff.
Friday night Kelsey and I didn't have anything to do, so we went to the video store. I am so dorky when I go to the video store. I can't just get one video. No, too many call my name or jump off the shelf into my arms. Seriously. So we went home with five. Duh, like I had time to watch them all. We rented: Speak, Yesterday (it was up for Best Foreign film a year or so ago, and it is in Zulu with English subs. Has to do with Aids and a mother struggle in South Africa), Southern Belles (a Sundance film, but kinda fluffy and mindless), Paper Clips (a wonderful documentary about children in Tennessee and their Holocaust project - If you like Documentaries, rent this one. It's good.), and Honey for Oshun which we haven't watched yet. It's 2 hours with subs so I gotta save it for a time I can really concentrate. Tho if the movie is really good, and this one is supposed to be, I forget about them after while.
Saturday I attempted to finsh my taxes. Cough. I started a load of laundry - neccessary stuff of course. The rest of the mountain could wait. At noon I went to meet D at Olive Garden in Lombard. We had a great lunch and good conversation. We then went to a small playhouse in Glen Ellyn near COD to see Wonder of the World, a cute, silly, but pretty mindless comedy. But I love theater, so we had a great time. Then we (yep D came too!) jumped in the car and went to pick up Kelsey and Karen and headed to Via Christus for church. Emma time. :) Love Emma time. (of course that's the only reason I come...) Church was great and very thought provoking as usual. It seems when I am there something always gets me - and this week we talked about temptations/tests and how we deal with them. We didn't get home til 11:00 or so.
Therefore Sunday morning came fast and we had to get up because we were going into Chicago to go to church with friends. Yep. Church twice this weekend. :o One sorta big and one tiny. Both great. We attended Church of Wrigleyville and enjoyed it immensely. Loved the music, loved the pastor, love the city. And then we went to Samm's place for lunch. Oh and the best thing was that we go to see not only Samm, but Jack and Sarah and baby Jack! Two babies in one weekend. :) We took the scenic route home (don't ask) and then I attempted to file the taxes I finished, do laundry and watch a movie....Why did I rent 5 anyway? Finally that evening I gave up, cried uncle, threw my hands in the air and ran away. I met D at Chili's for dinner. Ooo-Eee, busy weekend. Not much time to breathe. But I was antsy. Not wanting to sit and read, or think or anything. Activity was good. (or not depending on how you look at it since I was using it to not deal with some stuff.)
So I was busy, busy all weekend. I need a weekend from my weekend. I just need to slow down a bit. Right now I feel like a run away train about ready to derail.....