Things I love the most....aka all about me!

...and just so you know, I did put Kim's name in. Three times. And it included every word EXCEPT Kim. sigh. But it's still cool, and have fun learning more about me!!
(click on it to make it larger so you can read it!)

image courtesy of Wordle!

Let it Be

Today I'm feeling angsty, anxious, at loose ends. I can't concentrate on anything. I can't sit still. I can't read. The sun is gone and it's cold out. Which is ok, because it kind of mirrors my mood. Not interested in music. Not interested in being social or talking. I'm agitated. Sleep sounds good - but my brain is whirring too insistently for that. It might help to go to the gym, but I did a pretty intense workout yesterday and my knee hurts. Wow - this is really a downer! But I need to vent somewhere. I was hoping if I started typing something healing would come from it. No such luck.

I'm a fixer. And when I can't fix, I stress. I hurt. I get all fidgity. I eat. Bad, bad. Don't eat. Because then I'll have to spend twice as long at the gym.

I like status quo. And smooth waters. I like things unfolding in an uncomplicated way. The way they are supposed to unfold, or at least the way I think they are supposed to.

The other night on American Idol, Katie Stevens sang Let It Be. I always felt like this was kind of a prayer, positing the ideal, or even just what I wanted, and then praying - please, let it be. But I realized the other night a very different message was there. At least for me. Leave it alone! Things will work out as they should. Have faith. Wait. Wait on God. Let it Be.

So, today, in all my restlesness, the niggling, unsettled craziness of my mind, I find I'm hearing these words:

Let it be,
let it be.
There will be an answer,
let it be.

Let it be,
let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom,
let it be

It's easy to say, hard to do. Thoughts chasing their tails in a frenzy.

Round and round it goes. Hamster on a wheel.

Let it Be.

*graphic -Laurie Coyle Designs

I want some!

Wow! I was cruising around the web today and I found two great new sites to share with you guys! I don't do this often, but they both intrigue me - I'd wear the punjammies if I could, and I can't wait to get some of this awesome soap! :) Check them out:

First, Seattle Sundries.

This company handcrafts soaps that claim to evoke the simple, natural products of earlier day. As in a time before we became so chemically dependent. Pure, natural ingredients. And the names and blurbs on each tin are hilarious! The tins aren't cheap, but handcrafted soap never is and the tin makes it easy to take the soap when you travel. You can buy refills for $4.75, so if you don't care about the tin, that may be the way to go. Me? I'd love a tin! Now, how do I choose which one? Just one?

Secondly. Punjammies. This site is awesome. Unfortunately, they don't have sizes to fit me. Boo. But go to the site and read about The International Princess Project, which seeks to restore hope and dignity to women formerly enslaved in prostitution.

"The Mission of International Princess Project: Establish self-sustaining enterprises in partnership with indigenous organizations that provide for physical, emotional and spiritual needs of women formerly enslaved in prostitution; AND advocate for women enslaved in prostitution around the world. "

and check out The Story of Punjammies.

So, there you are. I have not tried either, but they both look like wonderful products! I have no affiliation with either product, so there is no benefit to me if you check them out. If you try them, or have tried them, let me know. I'd love to hear what you think.

So Much for That!!!

Every time I start to get frustrated with too many new ideas, too many controversial ideas, too many things that I believe, yet feel judged for I start to withdraw and want to quit. When things get hard, I just wanna give up. And yet, I know, I can't. I can't go back, I have to keep going. Sometimes when this happens I decide I need to put those intellectual pursuits on the back burner. Shelve the theology for a while. Create space. Find a place to just be, to just rest and try to let my brain recover, let my heart heal. This time, I decided to just read for fun. No thought stretching non-fiction. No controversial books. I wouldn't even wonder, or question, or desire to learn something new. I would just read some for fun.

I read a couple books. Light. Easy. Enjoyable. Fun. I love memoirs, so after those few light books I decided to read Reading Lolita in Tehran. Oops. The joke is on me. The last time this happened was with Lauren Winner's Girl Meets God. That stretched my mind and tired me out more than a lot of what I had been reading. Her insights spoke to me and started me off again thinking things I'd wanted to hide from for awhile. I was on vacation and torturing myself. Ha ha. And, now, here I go again apparently.

As I was reading Reading Lolita in Tehran I ran across some passages very early on that spoke to me...."An absurd fictionality ruled our lives. We tried to live in the open spaces, in the chinks created between that room, which had become our protective cocoon, and the censor's world of witches and goblins outside. Which of these two worlds was more real, and to which did we really belong? We no longer knew the answers. Perhaps one way of finding out the truth was to do what we did: to try to imaginatively articulate these two worlds and, through that process, give shape to our vision and identity."

Uh-Oh. That started worming its way inside my brain. I reached for a highlighter and my notebook. And stopped. I didn't want to think. So I shrugged it off (even though it tugged at me) and kept reading.

And I found a couple more. This didn't totally correlate, but it was close enough to real life in my circles to hit a nerve.

"He had come in the name of a past, a past that, he claimed, had been stolen from him. And he now wanted to re-create us in the image of that illusory past. Was it any consolation, and did we even wish to remember, that what he did to us was what we allowed him to do?"

Ok - the highlighter came out. So I could forget it for now and move on.

And then, in the next paragraph I found this: "It is amazing how, when all possibilities seem to be taken away from you, the minutest opening can become a great freedom."

Absolutely true - and those are the openings we grasp at as if our lives depend on them. I moved on. Keep in mind that this is all in the space of about five or six pages.

And I came across this: "Yet that green gate was closed to her, and to all my girls. Next to the gate there was a small opening with a curtain hanging from it. It was an aberration that attracted attention, because it did not belong there....Through this opening all the female students, including my girls, went into a small, dark room to be inspected....all would be checked before I could enter the campus of the university, the same university in which men also study. And to them the main door, with its immense portals and emblems and flags, is generously open. That a small side opening was the source of endless tales of frustration, humiliation and sorrow. It was meant to make the girls ordinary and invisible."

I don't think I even need to make the obvious connection there.This is crazy! I'm supposed to be enjoying reading. Giving my brain a rest. Not getting hit with one thing after another that sends me down rabbit trails of thought!

The next thing I saw was this: "...she explained why all the normal acts of life had become small acts of rebellion and political insubordination to her and to other young people like her. All her life she was shielded. She was never let out of sight; she never had a private corner in which to think, to feel, to dream, to write...they seemed to think they could tell her how she should feel about them as well"

"...this veil meant nothing to her anymore yet without [it] she would be lost. She had always worn the veil. Did she want to wear it or not?"

Wow.

Wake up!

Do I want to do this or not? Think this way or not? Explore this path, walk this road, continue the journey?

Ok - I just put the book away. Too much fodder for thought. Too much hitting close to home. Too much that speaks metaphorically of my journey of the last few years.

Anybody have a good mindless book I can read??

Empathy, born or made?

Nurture vs. nature. What happens to us vs. what we are. When I was a child I was teased, made fun of mercilessly at school. I hated grade school - well late grade school/jr. high, and yes, parts of high school. I was from a town with "rich kids". Snobs. The ones that thought they were better than the rest of the world. Mean girls. Yep. Even if you were in the group, one day you could be in, the next day you could be out. As I saw happen on more than one occasion. In fact one of those exiled became a good friend of mine within days of her fall from grace. And one of the mean girls had the gall to tell me not to be her friend, she was trash. Sigh
.
One would think that all this meanness, all this hurt is what made me the empathetic person I am. Which is, in and of itself, a curse. As I was pondering why I have been blessed with this personality trait I recalled something that made me realize this was probably a reinforcement of the trait, but I have had it since I was very young.

I remember being a little first grader, running around on the playground, being stopped in my tracks by my classmates chanting. "Kindergarten babies, wash your face in gravy.." Forget that it doesn't make any sense, it hurt me. Me? I felt first anxious and then sad and then hurt. I was internalizing the feeling of the kindergarten kids. How dare these bullies, barely out of kindergarten themselves, be so mean? It just wasn't right. So I refused to participate. Maybe next year when I was a year farther removed. Who was I kidding? I still felt the stab of hurt and embarrassment for each child so bullied.

That's nature. I guess I got the empathy gene and had it nurtured until it was full blown.

For goodness sake, you know it's bad when I project feelings onto buildings! And animals. And, in my mixed up brain, it's worse with both of these because they cannot speak for themselves.

Well, that's my thought for the day. Not sure why I felt compelled to share it, but now you know another little piece of my puzzle.

Isn't it funny how some things just jump out and grab you randomly? How you are struck by words you've heard a thousand times?

"No use pretending
You never existed until you saw the light
yeah
You're just beginning
You haven't missed it-it's all ahead of you
And you know what to do
You gotta talk to the One who made you
Talk to the One who understands
Talk to the One who gave you
All the light in your eyes
All the light in your eyes"

Worth a Read...

Interesting link that was post by Brian McLaren on Facebook:

http://tinyurl.com/yl6vszf

What I think in my head is not always so...

Don't you hate it when an ugly truth just smacks you in the face?

For years and years and years I have told myself I am not prejudiced. Not me. I talk fair, I believe fair, I believe in equal rights and opportunity. I believe that all were created by God and all are loved the same. We all have the same worth.

So, when I realized the other day that I was choosing white over black I was shocked!
And I started thinking. Given a choice I choose a white clerk over a black one, a white friend over a black one, a white anything over a black one. Not pretty.

And I started wondering why. Not to excuse, but to understand. I had a teacher in college that taught that prejudice is caused by lack of communication. I would agree, but I would also say it is cause by lack of understanding. I just don't understand the culture; the way of thinking, the things that are important in their lives. It's not for lack of trying - it just is. I have no problem sitting and talking to an African American. I have no problem being fair and kind and helpful. I just don't choose to watch a show about an African American family, or read a book about an African American family, or go to a movie about an African American family - I just don't get it. I don't understand the humor, the nuances, and the thought process. And so I am uncomfortable and just choose to watch or read something else. Again - not pretty.

Growing up I was raised in an all white town. There were no African Americans in my school. I remember when a black girl moved in on our street - I was the first to befriend her and we did a lot around the neighborhood...until I did something to offend Lydia and she dumped me. Over something I just didn't get. She had something to prove, she felt discrimination, and chose to prove it over something trivial.

No African Americans in my church. Or my high school. None. And in college, just a handful. I was friends with them, but it was pretty superficial in hindsight. I wasn't their friend to prove anything. I honestly thought I was unprejudiced. In my brain I was. In my thought process I was. When I talked to others, I was. I raised my children to be unprejudiced. But evidently in my heart of hearts I guess I wasn't.

The other day I was playing some dumb game on face book and you have to add friends. I found myself adding all the white friends and not the African Americans. I didn't even realize I was doing it until it hit me in the face. And then I realized I had seen an ad for a movie that sounded good. But it had an all African American cast. Changed my mind. Kinda like if it had an all male cast and a definite male slant I would also change my mind. Not because I don't like men, but because I don't understand the language, the thought process, the things that make them tick.

So apparently, I am prejudiced - maybe not in the same way that others are. But prejudiced none-the-less and it is still ugly. I'm not fooling myself. So, the question is: now that I realize it, how do I fix it? It's obviously deeply seated. So deeply seated that I was unaware that it was even there....

If you don't have anything good to say....

...say nothing at all.

Well, I tried that - and you can see the results. No blog posts.

You know how we all have one of those days? Well, I've pretty much had one of those summers. And it has extended into autumn. Sadly.

It's not all been bad - there have been incredibly bright spots, like our trip to Boston in June, our trip to Austin and Taos in July, Andrew and Carissa's visit in August, our Via Christus get together when Mike and Julie were up from Austin, and Aaron's visit and the U2 concert at Soldier Field.

Other than that - dreary weather. Cool summer. Garden did miserably. It rained - a lot. The outside hose reel connector/hose broke flooding an already saturated yard and basement. Extra people living in our house (including a one year old and a three year old from Friday through Sunday). One adult is a very extroverted extrovert that needs to talk incessantly. Carissa left for Italy for a semester.

Complete chaos has entered my life! No room. No solitude. No where to go to get away. No where to think. Noise. All the time. My safe haven became, and still is to a degree, a stressful place.

I have felt sad, angry, frustrated, stressed, taken advantage of, not heard, and used. I feel like I am living in a soap opera. Really. One where resolution NEVER comes. We have resolved some issues - but a few remain that are awkward and sensitive. sigh.

On top of that mess, as if that weren't enough (and I have just posted bare bones) school started, I got sick in September - acute bronchitis with a severe asthma attack resulting in an entire week of work missed - and I've had issues with a tooth. And our loan for Carissa's junior year got messed up and still isn't paid. Oh - and Comcast messed with us for almost 2 weeks - resulting in HOURS spent on the phone and with techs. Four of them on four different days.

And on top of all that, the sun still refuses to shine!

See - nothing good to say.

Great post after months of silence, huh?

Hopefully things will improve.... We are going to visit Carissa in Italy in November. We are going to Florida for Christmas. The loan got straightened out. As did the cable issue. I am about 80% well. The tooth - well, still being worked on. Still working on the safe haven. And finding quiet and solitude. But it too will come. Along with the sun.

I hope.

Doing, not Writing.....

How is it possible I haven't blogged since JUNE? I guess I have just been busy doing things rather than blogging about them. Or maybe Facebook corrupted my soul! Soundbites and updates are so easy there! Hopefully this fall/winter I can get back into something here. Of course that would mean I have to be able to come up with something worth reading. And that would mean I would have to have a fully engaged, functioning brain that was being stimulated by events and say-it-ain't so moments. sigh.
Anyway.
To tide you over - because I'm sure you don't really want to hear about my summer in teeny tiny boring details, I'll post a few of my favorite pix. :)

Better than being yellow bellied!

Our woodpecker is back! I decided to take a picture of him - well to the best of my ability from inside the house, because as soon as I opened the back door he flew away!  I thought he was a red-headed woodpecker, but he is really a red-bellied woodpecker. Two different woodpeckers!

apparently he's a thief....

Yes - this is the guy that wakes my up early in the morning pecking on my house. sigh. So pretty, so annoying!


Here is a summary from the Audubon Society:

   

Red-bellied Woodpecker (Melanerpes carolinus )

Bird Gallery Index

© Alan Murphy

Family: (Picidae) Woodpeckers

Preferred Habitat: Moist woodlands and wooded suburbs.

Seasonal Occurrence: Common in all seasons.

Notes: Red-bellied Woodpeckers may be found wherever mature trees are to be found. Their loud churrrr is a familiar sound in our suburbs. Beginning birders are often confused by its name, since the red patch on its lower abdomen is  difficult to see. Others confuse it with the Ladder-backed Woodpecker which is not found in our area. The female resembles the male but has less red on the top of her head. Red-bellies eat acorns, insects, and fruit, and are also known to store food. They willingly come to feeders for sunflower seed or suet. Red-bellies like to mark their territory by noisy drums on trees and are not at all reluctant to use house siding. They rely on tall soft trees such as pines to excavate their nest cavities. Starlings, which often take over their cavities, are a major problem. The Houston Bird Survey has more information and a distribution map.

- Susan Billetdeaux

 

Twiddly Twiddly Dee - Rockin' Robins!

Wow - I haven't blogged for over a month. I never thought I'd see the day! I just haven't felt like I've had anything to say. Of any substance anyway. Life has been very routine and not very noteworthy.

I don't wanna give the blog up tho, so I guess I'd better get reading, and doing things to give me some fodder for a post or two.....

12 more days of school. 12. Thank goodness. I'm at the end of my rope sitting in this hot computer lab day in and day out. Summer holds travel plans, fun times with friends and hopefully hammock and a book time. And it can't come soon enough for me.

If nothing else, hopefully I can put up some pix or something. Oooooh I know! To hold you over I will share my Robin family. (can you tell I am really scraping the bottom of the barrel here?)

Enjoy!

a new home

Mrs. Robin sitting on her eggs.

the babies have arrived!

Protecting her babies

the babies are hungry!

feeding time!

siblings

just hanging out

mom! mom!

snuggling

move over!

Yesterday, the nest was empty..... I missed the moment they flew for the first time. Hopefully they will have what it needs to survive! I will miss them.

Everything Should Taste Like Bacon......

I think I need to get me some.... ;)

Easter.....

Easter was kinda hard this year. Actually, Easter is my favorite holiday, but this year is was just sad. Our good friends in Haiti lost their sweet dog, Sejan, this week. That was really, really sad. He was the most loving dog and you always hate to see a dog suffer....I feel terrible for Steve and Joline. Then on Saturday afternoon a friend of ours from Via Christus (which is now scattered to the winds) was killed in a plane crash.

When something like this happens you just want to gather and grieve with family and friends. And with our Via Christus family all over the United States it was that much more terrible. We will miss Randy - but you know, he went out in a blaze of glory, doing what he loved.

Easter services were hard. All cheerful and celebratory. Oddly it seemed like a well meaning "friend" letting platitudes and rote Christian phrases roll of their tongue. Really. I just wanted to sit and mourn. And think. Not be roused from my remembering with well meaning, but poorly thought out advice and clichés. sigh.

Anyway, if you think of it please pray for Randy's family - his wife and two grown sons especially.
I'm thankful for the time I had with Randy. I will miss him.

I miss my church.

Enneagram Personality Test

Image Icon results:

Main Type Overall Self Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Scale (|||||||%) results:

Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||||||||||||| 62% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 3 Image Focus |||||||||||| 46% Type 4 Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 74% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||||| 66% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||| 42% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 26% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 38% Your main type is 4 Your variant is self pres

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Validation

This is great......

St. Patrick's Breastplate

I bind unto myself today
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same
The Three in One and One in Three.

I bind this today to me forever
By power of faith, Christ's incarnation;
His baptism in Jordan river,
His death on Cross for my salvation;
His bursting from the spicèd tomb,
His riding up the heavenly way,
His coming at the day of doom
I bind unto myself today.

I bind unto myself the power
Of the great love of cherubim;
The sweet 'Well done' in judgment hour,
The service of the seraphim,
Confessors' faith, Apostles' word,
The Patriarchs' prayers, the prophets' scrolls,
All good deeds done unto the Lord
And purity of virgin souls.

I bind unto myself today
The virtues of the star lit heaven,
The glorious sun's life giving ray,
The whiteness of the moon at even,
The flashing of the lightning free,
The whirling wind's tempestuous shocks,
The stable earth, the deep salt sea
Around the old eternal rocks.

I bind unto myself today
The power of God to hold and lead,
His eye to watch, His might to stay,
His ear to hearken to my need.
The wisdom of my God to teach,
His hand to guide, His shield to ward;
The word of God to give me speech,
His heavenly host to be my guard.

Against the demon snares of sin,
The vice that gives temptation force,
The natural lusts that war within,
The hostile men that mar my course;
Or few or many, far or nigh,
In every place and in all hours,
Against their fierce hostility
I bind to me these holy powers.

Against all Satan's spells and whiles,
Against false words of heresy,
Against the knowledge that defiles,
Against the heart's idolatry,
Against the wizard's evil craft,
Against the death wound and the burning,
The choking wave, the poisoned shaft,
Protect me, Christ, till Thy returning.

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

I bind unto myself the Name,
The strong Name of the Trinity,
By invocation of the same,
The Three in One and One in Three.
By Whom all nature hath creation,
Eternal Father, Spirit, Word:
Praise to the Lord of my salvation,
Salvation is of Christ the Lord.

Amen

Carissa's art!

click to enlarge.

she explains it here.

Tyler Lyle gets it right......

Jen brought this song along with her when she came back from Texas. It's a great song! Check out the words - and you can find the song here at itunes if you would like to own it!!

jesus loves lesbians
and terrorists
and pat robertson
jesus loves soccer moms
and immigrants
and hillary clinton

and if you don't love them too
then the love of God is not in you

jesus loves the homeless man
and he loves the fire and brimstone preachers that will never understand
jesus loves the liar, the cynic, the doubter, the hypocrite
and jesus loves me too

and if you don't love them too
then the love of God is not in you

jesus loves lesbians
and athiests
and republicans
jesus loves everyone
even southern baptists
even jesse jackson

and if you don't love them too
then the love of God is not in you

"It would be nice and fairly nearly true to say that 'from that time forth Eustace was a different boy.' To be strictly accurate, he began to be a different boy. He had relapses. There were still many days when he could be very tiresome. But most of those I shall not notice. The cure had begun."

C.S.Lewis