Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Memorial Day

Well, I worked hard all weekend so I could enjoy my Memorial Day. Actually, I had to get groceries, but other than that I intended to relax and basically do nothing....
I did nothing all right, in the emergency room for hours with my almost 16 year old daughter. Lots of pain, and tears later it was official - she broke her thumb. So our beautiful, bright, sunny holiday was spent in a cold, antiseptic ER... :(
I suppose I should be thankful it was just her thumb, and that it was her right hand (she is left handed) but she's not seeing the bright side yet, just the downside of 6 weeks recovery.....To say nothing of the fact of how this puts a crimp(temporarily at least) in her social life!
I'm off to call the hand doctor.....

EDIT - managed to get an appointment with the hand doctor tomorrow. Hopefully we'll know more after that....

EDIT 2 - saw the hand doctor today. Got a custom made splint, and an appointment to see him again in a week for xrays to make sure it is healing right. Recovery time - 4 weeks. She was worried about playing her marimba this summer, but by the time we are back from vacation she will only have a week of recovery left and the Dr. said she will be ready to go soon after that. Cool!

EDIT3 - X-rays today showed the thumb is healing nicely. Adjustments to the splint and another appointment in 2 weeks.

Sunday, May 29, 2005


I tried - I really tried. But the books are sitting across the room stacked twenty high beckoning me, seducing me with their thoughts, insights, and ideas. Ink and paper - that mere words could cause such a desire, such longing is amazing! Always suggesting, teaching, stimulating intellectual curiosity. New concepts, challenges, philosophy, theology, information - a siren song to learning.
No! Stop looking! I need a break! Time to process all the ideas, radical sometimes, that I have been confronted with in recent days. Consuming them frantically I have become overfed. I need to digest what I have been given.
Accusingly, they stare back at me - why are you abandoning us? The lure of learning something fresh is too strong. It's a cruel addiction!

Monday, May 23, 2005

Pretence becomes reality

"A mother teaches a baby to talk by talking to it as if it understood long before it really does" C.S. Lewis

I like Lewis concept of "Let's Pretend" How we begin to dress up as Christ, and how we address God as Father when we pray, even if we aren't believers yet. How we as believers should be drawing people into the life of Christ, and His example. How they begin to experience this life in community with us. They taste and see that the Lord is good. And then "Christ, Himself, the Son of God who is man (just like [them]) and God (just like His Father) is actually at [their] side and is already at that moment beginning to turn [their] pretence into a reality." Often when we pretend long enough it becomes our reality. And sometimes we aren't even sure when it became our reality! But we must acknowledge and accept the reality.
When a person is accepted into community, and loved, and treated as a member of that community even if they haven't commited to "joining up" they begin the process of becoming, not just acting. "At first it is natural for a baby to take its mother's milk without knowing its mother. It is equally natural for us to see the man who helps us without seeing Christ behind him." and then.." We must go on to recognize the real Giver."

And on the flip side Lewis says "But [God] says 'Let us pretend that this is not a mere creature, but our Son. It is like Christ in so far as it is a Man, for He became Man. Let us pretend that it is also like Him in Spirit. Let us treat it as if it were what in fact it is not. Let us pretend in order to make the pretence into a reality.' God looks at you as if you were a little Christ: Christ stands beside you to turn you into one." The higher raises the lower. And if Christ models this for us, ought we not do the same for others in our life?

Friday, May 20, 2005

No one ever said....

No one ever said the Christian life was easy, or fun. Sometimes we are asked to do things we really don't want to do.
I gave you something tonight Lord - something I wasn't ready to give. Something you demanded. And so, in trust and with much difficulty and sorrow I surrender this to you. In my head I know it had to be done. In my heart I couldn't let go. It took time to get the words out - Take _________________. Take ________________.
I give ____________ to you. I surrender all. Help me Father, meet my need, comfort my heart. I am doing as you ask. Accept my offering. Fill my soul with you. Fill the hole left from surrendering with you. Let the wrestling be over God. You win.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Heart Issues....

Is there such a thing as allowing yourself to become too vulnerable? Can you open yourself up so much that you're always in a position to be hurt? I am learning to let myself take this risk, but now I have no protection for my heart. Now I remember why I built walls and hid behind masks.
And when is helping and being empathetic to others too much? Their problems and hurts become internalized as you feel their pain and enter their lives. Compassion can break a heart.
I can't imagine the pain God feels when he deals with our problems and hurts and issues. When we disobey, or rebel. When we are selfish, and mean spirited. When we hurt, and cry. I am thankful for His compassion, how dare I break His heart....

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

My Jesus part 2

OK - I got the words :) I went to which is the site for the new Todd Agnew album and they have all the songs available there so you can hear them. So I listened and wrote down the words, and they are awesome:

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Why do you look so much like the world?

Cuz my Jesus bled and died
He spent his time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
so which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land?
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand?

Cuz my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent his time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow?
This picture of the American Dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side?
Or fall down and worship at his holy feet? Holy, yeah

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
is how you see him as he dies for your sins.
But the Word says He was battered and scarred or did you miss that part?
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him.

Cuz my Jesus bled and died.
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
so which one do you want to be?

Cuz my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
the blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
but He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
and I think He'd prefer Beale street to the stained glass crowd
and I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I wanna be like my Jesus,
I wanna be like my Jesus,
I wanna be like my Jesus,
I wanna be like my Jesus.

Not a poster child for American Prosperity
But like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I wanna be like my Jesus

But I'm not sure what that means
to be like you Jesus
cuz you said to live like you, love like you,
but then you died for me
Can I be like you Jesus?

I wanna be like you Jesus.
I wanna be like my Jesus.

Monday, May 16, 2005

My Jesus

I heard a song this morning that literally stunned me. It was awesome. My Jesus by Todd Agnew. The thing was I was listening to it on my way to work -kinda half listening till the words hit me full in the face. The part that first hit me was when he says Jesus wouldn't be welcome in my church. That woke me up. I wanna be like my Jesus - but what exactly does that entail and what is the sacrifice required? Unfortunately the song is on his new album which hasn't been released yet. I want to find the words so I can really think about them, guess I have to wait. Keep an ear open for this thought provoking and challenging song!

Friday, May 13, 2005

on the edge

I'm trying to get a handle on my feelings. Why I am so dejected off and on. Up and down, good days and bad weeks. I think it may just be the nature of what is happening to me right now spiritually. Taking all I know and pretty much deconstructing it. It's like dumping out a life and starting over, of course you are bound to feel hollow. It's an awful feeling to tell the truth. Some days are good. I make a connection, I began to find something that makes sense, rings true. I feel those glimmers of hope and excitement. But I still have so far to go, so much emptiness to deal with. To fill. To fix. In some ways my walk with God is so much more awesome, so inspiring, so new and intriguing. In others ways it's scary and lonely - most often just on the edge with an awful lot of loose gravel beneath my feet. I just threw out all my safety nets, everything that made me feel secure. And I can't go back the way I came. And to go on......

Thursday, May 12, 2005

I am so feeling my age today. It's rainy and I'm depressed and teary. Why, I'm not sure, but hey it's there. In some ways I would never trade where I am in my life right now, but there's a part of me that would love to be young again. Do overs. Maybe get it right this time. When I see wasted time, and wasted life it's pretty depressing. If only I knew then what I knew now...
Second chances - would I in reality do anything differently? Or just screw up again? Maybe I don't really want a second chance, maybe I just appreciate where our young adults are today, how they think and relate to each other. Openness and vulnerability, and a whole new world of opportunities before them. Energy and possibility. If you are one of them, enjoy every minute, and make the most of your time. Don't get to where I am and lament your choices, tho I guess if I changed even one of them I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today...

Monday, May 09, 2005

We just got back from my lovely niece's wedding. It was a really quick trip to Cleveland and back - more time on the road than at the wedding. But it was good to connect with family and friends and enjoy and celebrate a wonderful occasion. My brother in law was crying before he even got his daughter down the aisle, and as I glanced around my husband and his two other brothers had joined him. The tender-hearted Gerber boys!

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Attitude adjustment needed!

I found out today that my unmarried Christian friend is pregnant. My "very vocal about her beliefs" friend. Hmmmmm.
I don't know how to respond. I will not judge her to her face. I feel great compassion and sympathy for her and the situation. But if I am totally honest, I find in my heart I do judge her. And then it occurred to me how very much like the pharisees I am...not pretty. And it further occurred to me that I am upset with her because of her "damaged" testimony, yet how I respond in this case is also being watched by others! To see what my attitude is, how I interact with her. How convicting and humbling.
And I think of the words in the Scripture about not judging, lest you be judged. I always assumed that the judging would be done by God. But perhaps there is an element of meaning here that we are also being watched and judged by others - those that are seeking, or confused or hurt. And if I judge my friend harshly, or speak badly of the situation, I may also be judged as self righteous and hypocritical, which will possibly keep someone else from desiring to follow Christ.
God give me grace to honestly respond as you would. Amen